I grew up fine. I don’t hit my own kids.

I am a male and have always been short, so any male adult would tower over my young self. I never developed any real male friends, to be honest, I've always had a fear that they would hit me. My lost, I know. Childhood abuse will affect people for the rest of their lives.

My father hit me once. My mother beat me weekly.

Anonymous wrote:It was my mother.
Sometimes she would make me hit myself as punishment.
Two results:
I have the urge to hit myself when DH is angry at me "to make him stop being angry." He finds the idea horrifying and makes me promise never to do it. I still do it sometimes.
I have to fight the urge to hit him.

It was my mother also. She would hit us with a wooden spoon and yell at our dad to hit us. I still remember the day I got too big for her. She came at me, I stood up, looked her in the eyes, laugh at her and she left the room.

My dad hit me a few times and it didn’t impact anything really. Never too hard like a swat on the butt. Happily married to a great guy.

That said my mom hit me more frequently and harder and it does impact our relationship. I have a hard time trusting other women.

Anonymous wrote:I was hit very rarely but not once in my memory did I deserve it.

My parents were very stressed, and not very emotionally intelligent. They naturally fell into the expected pattern set by their parents.

I have a normal relationship with them not close but around, but underneath I despise their actions to a young child.

I don't fully trust anyone immediately. There's a long vetting process.

This. It also took me a long time as an adult to not internalize other people's mood swings and especially their anger or frustration. As a kid, my parents' or frustration would get taken out on me, because of their inability to handle their own emotions. So when I encounter other people with anger or frustration, I immediately look at my own behavior -- is this my fault? This led to people pleasing and also just beating up on myself all the time for stuff that wasn't my fault. I think I attracted people like my parents into my life -- immature people who wanted to blame all their feelings on other people and liked that I would accommodate and forgive their behavior. It took into my late 30s, and after therapy and a lot of self work, to understand these patterns and learn to let other people own their own feelings and actions.

I was whipped with a belt as punishment. I have no issues with it and no trauma from it. I don't use corporal punishment on my own kids but it wasn't harmful. I mostly deserved it -- I remember the one time I didn't very well. My dad and I get along very well.

My father beat my mom and was basically a dead beat and not involved in my life at all. (which I am grateful for)

I actually think I benefitted greatly from growing up with my mom. Strong single woman who put herself through school, work, raised me. She bought a home for us and while we were never rich, I never went without. I am a great saver, hard working, and learned this from her. I picked a man who is as opposite of my father basically as possible lol. He's kind and smart and loves me so much and treats me so well.

So many ways that the abusive environment I grew up in (physical and verbal) impacted me, that I'm probably not even aware of. But here's a few:

It made me not have a serious relationship until I was well into my 30's.

I married someone who is annoyingly passive (so I over corrected).

I am VERY intentional/careful about discipline w/ my kids.

I've spent 6 years in therapy.

I closely controlled my father's access to my kids for as long as he was alive (and intervened on occasion w/ my nephew's access/treatment).

I spent most of my life struggling to know who I am, what I want, feel ok in my own skin, etc... My childhood was profoundly damaging.

It has also made me extraordinarily intuitive about the needs and moods of others - which can make me a great friend, mother, boss, manager, etc... And I'm resilient. I'm the gal you want in a crisis because I stay calm and I solve everyone's problems.

So there were some survival skills I had to learn as a child that have served me well as an adult. But that's the tiniest of sliver linings mostly.

I was not but my husband was. It was extremely damaging in so many ways. Over the years it resurfaced like a whack-a-mole game at differen life points. Besides the physical violence there was gaslighting and just overall cynicism and pain in that family. His father is a tyrant and his mother is cold and probably unhappy in her marriage but who knows; they are both monsters. The main thing it caused was his extreme anxiety, constant vigilance and worry and I think this even damaged his health. I had no idea what this could do to a person and now know all too well. We don't see them and that's for the best. They never contacted us or acted like they cared even when we "saw" them. They are the most selfish people. I think they should never have had children and if they had been born a few years later, they would not have. They resented having to take care of their kids and it was made clear to all. If I had it to do over, I would not marry someone who came from severe abuse. It is no joke.

Anonymous wrote:That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.

I had a very similar upbringing. But I don’t give my father a pass. He didn’t have to beat us or break my sister’s arm or put my brother’s head through the wall. Also, my mom was tired after cooking, cleaning, running the kids around, ironing his work clothes, and trying to be the perfect housewife. Our house was spotless, home cooked meals - including homemade bread, she did EVERYTHING, arranged social gatherings, gifts or cards mailed for every relative and friends birthday or anniversary or whatever holiday… she volunteered at school, helped with the classroom parties… and where was he? In a comfy office. He came home and sat on his ass and drank beer. She deserved to relax too. So when the kids misbehaved, and we did, she would ask him to handle it. She knew exactly what she was asking. She knew he would beat us.
Both were equally wrong.
I am so fortunate to have a husband that did not grow up in a house like that.

Anonymous wrote:I got spanked rarely and I did deserve it.

No issues. I married a great man like my dad. Very happily married.

+1 except I got hit a lot more and did deserve it. The spankings came when the talking didn't work. My siblings called me 'old iron ass' because I always had to have the last word/it took a long time for me to learn to just shut up and stop arguing when my parents were just trying to keep me safe. Typical youngest born/pushing boundaries. My brothers got spanked here and there. My oldest sister-never. Spanking isn't for everyone (either the spanker or the spankee).

I didn't extrapolate this to mean it was ok to randomly hit others/strangers/spouses as my parents did not verbally abuse or assault each other. They were also very supportive/communicative/involved with all of us and our activities so in our case it definitely wasn't a "I just feel like hitting my kid" situation.

I don't automatically judge anyone either way when it comes to spanking/not spanking their kids. But I have met a few people in life where I think to myself "this person should have been spanked more as a child".

Anonymous wrote:I got spanked rarely and I did deserve it.

No issues. I married a great man like my dad. Very happily married.

You deserved discipline, not violence

It was my mother.
Sometimes she would make me hit myself as punishment.
Two results:
I have the urge to hit myself when DH is angry at me "to make him stop being angry." He finds the idea horrifying and makes me promise never to do it. I still do it sometimes.
I have to fight the urge to hit him.

I was hit very rarely but not once in my memory did I deserve it.

My parents were very stressed, and not very emotionally intelligent. They naturally fell into the expected pattern set by their parents.

I have a normal relationship with them not close but around, but underneath I despise their actions to a young child.

I don't fully trust anyone immediately. There's a long vetting process.