Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:37     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws are completely out of line if they're judging your parents. That's rude. Providing help when you're a grandparent should not come with strings attached, like expectations that the other side will pitch in at a similar level.

I understand that you are disappointed in your parents, because you're their child and you had expectations. But ultimately your parents are free to live how they want. Similarly, you are free to tell them that they're not as present as your in-laws, and *you are also free to not help your parents when they're old and decrepit*.





Yeah this is not true.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:37     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, you sound very demanding, and I'm wondering whether your personality is playing into your parents holding you at arms' length. Maybe your in-laws believe your kids need the support, but your parents are just done.


This is not about me being demanding, it is not too much to ask for them to visit for 2 weeks a year to help out when I have business trips.


They are telling you otherwise. You don't get to decide what is too much or too demanding.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:37     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, you sound very demanding, and I'm wondering whether your personality is playing into your parents holding you at arms' length. Maybe your in-laws believe your kids need the support, but your parents are just done.


This is not about me being demanding, it is not too much to ask for them to visit for 2 weeks a year to help out when I have business trips.


It's not too much to ask. But it's too much to insist. You asked, they said no, you need to figure something else out. They are not required to help you out two weeks a year. I understand you're disappointed - but it's time to put on your big boy pants and accept the reality of the situation and stop trying to browbeat your parents into being someone they clearly are not.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:37     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.


Your in-laws' dislike of your parent comes from the information you feed them.


Correct.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:36     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.


Yeah, helping out is expecting too much. You are expecting them to do stuff for you. Find a new backup childcare.


I disagree with you on this. If they are not interested in helping their grandkids and don’t even care about the grandkids they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Kids are an obligation until the day you die and if you are too selfish to help them out you shouldn’t have them at all. I’m not expecting them to do everything for me just actually make an effort to help occasionally instead of requesting social media pics of the kids everyday so they can pretend like they are great grandparents to their friends.


Absolutely disagree, but my parents raised an adult, and I have raised an adult.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:35     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.


You are the one who chose to have kids. It is not a grandparent's responsibility to come for a weekend to watch your kid for free/"Help out". We don't live near either set of grandparents and they are all more hands off; neither set has every given us money to pay for kids things. I find it insane that people even expect that.

Sure there are grandparents who love to do this sort of thing. Sounds like your in-laws are those people and that is wonderful. But doing that it THEIR CHOICE and should not be a completion to be better grandparents than your parents. And it they are upset because they do so much and your parents do nothing I have to wonder if you are asking them to do too much and take on too much responsibility with YOUR kids.

I get it we all want our parent to be those grandparents who are super selfless and involved, but some just aren't like that. I always loved the stories of grandparents who have Grammy camp and take the kids for the week. Sounds lovely, but that is not not everyone's style. My parents are great, but they are not the grandparents who visit for long periods of time or offer to watch our kids for a weekend. They do more for my siblings who live closer, but even then they aren't watching their kids all the time or having them stay with them all weekend.

Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:35     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
We are the useful grandparents and the other grandparents are the useless ones. We are all local, so they could easily be as useful as we are, but for whatever reason they are not.

But here’s the thing. They are clearly very good people and we know they love the grandkids. That’s what counts. We don’t judge them in any way, shape or form. No grandparent is under any obligation to “help” with the grandkids. We raised our own kids and now it’s your turn. We “help” only because we want to.

If your in laws don’t like your parents, it’s because you’re poisoning the relationship. And if your in laws think that their “helping” more somehow gives them license to judge, they’re wrong.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:33     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, you sound very demanding, and I'm wondering whether your personality is playing into your parents holding you at arms' length. Maybe your in-laws believe your kids need the support, but your parents are just done.


This is not about me being demanding, it is not too much to ask for them to visit for 2 weeks a year to help out when I have business trips.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:32     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

I do not understand this post. What does hiring a nanny have to do with occasional grandparent weekend visits?

OP how old are your children?


It makes me angry because they keep on telling me to spend 5k a month on childcare but are unable to help financially in any way. They also voted for someone who has actively made my life more difficult/threatened my employment prospects, but they are unable to keep quiet about politics when they visit.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:31     Subject: Re:My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Biggest issue is your ILs judging your parents. That's not right. But I'm not sure if you just think they're judging them or if they have actually said of done anything. I think you just have to expect your parents to be the way they are. Your not going to change them. Just be thankful your in-laws are more involved and more helpful. I can't think of a lot of families that have two sets of involved grandparents.

Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:30     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

Honestly, you sound very demanding, and I'm wondering whether your personality is playing into your parents holding you at arms' length. Maybe your in-laws believe your kids need the support, but your parents are just done.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:27     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.


Yeah, helping out is expecting too much. You are expecting them to do stuff for you. Find a new backup childcare.


I disagree with you on this. If they are not interested in helping their grandkids and don’t even care about the grandkids they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Kids are an obligation until the day you die and if you are too selfish to help them out you shouldn’t have them at all. I’m not expecting them to do everything for me just actually make an effort to help occasionally instead of requesting social media pics of the kids everyday so they can pretend like they are great grandparents to their friends.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:27     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

I do not understand this post. What does hiring a nanny have to do with occasional grandparent weekend visits?

OP how old are your children?
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:26     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws are completely out of line if they're judging your parents. That's rude. Providing help when you're a grandparent should not come with strings attached, like expectations that the other side will pitch in at a similar level.

I understand that you are disappointed in your parents, because you're their child and you had expectations. But ultimately your parents are free to live how they want. Similarly, you are free to tell them that they're not as present as your in-laws, and *you are also free to not help your parents when they're old and decrepit*.





Her inlaws aren't saying or doing anything but being wonderful.

OP, my parents are useless and I have fantastic inlaws. Considering the inlaws a blessing and just accept your parents for what they are.

Long term, we have a much, much closer relationship to my inlaws. I've cared for them while ill, and even moved my FIL for hospice before he passed so he would be comfortable. I would never, ever provide this sort of labor to my parents. I don't care for them, they manage their own health and even in old age, they are in assisted living/nursing homes with care with dementia because I will not get entangled in things. They have Medicaid and burned through their money so they are set.


This, OP. It will work out. Be grateful for the kind people in your life.

Also, your parents are not required to do anything helpful for your kids. At all. If they are willing, that is great, and you can thank them and be appreciative. If they promised to do things and then didn't perhaps that is different. But you had expectations in your head of what grandparents do that didn't match theirs. Hence, they think they are wonderful grandparents, because perhaps they are according to their expectations.

But you are not required to wait on *them*, either. Nor are you required to listen to them or spend lots of time with them or worry about what they think.


Anonymous
Post 08/28/2025 13:25     Subject: My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.


I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.


Yes.

And they're actually very consistent. It would be strange if they criticized you for hiring a nanny while being unwilling to help! It's a little sad that they don't want to visit more often, but it doesn't make them bad people. I don't understand why you were expecting so much in the first place, to be honest...