Anonymous
08/27/2025 06:08
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
The best way is to attach strings and demands to financial help. Make them do things they don't want to do. My parents drove me out of their house at 18 by keeping me from doing what I wanted. I never got a dime of help after HS. A few years after I left, they wanted me to come back and I never did.
Anonymous
08/27/2025 05:55
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.
You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.
LOL. My kids are fine, thank you. I don’t believe giving kids money makes them any less “functional” but I guess you want to believe that. It’s not like kids are asking for money.
Anonymous
08/27/2025 05:15
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
2 sons. Paid for undergraduate education. Helped with 1 kid who went to medical school. Both kids live close by so we see them often and often host family dinners at home. We helped with 1 wedding and would do the same for the other when it happens. We don’t vacation together.
Anonymous
08/27/2025 00:01
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
Very dependent upon cultural background. Many Asian parents give money for downpayment as long as they have it.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 19:46
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
It's even more infuriating when it's your in-laws, and none of their other kids (your siblings-in-law) are willing to pitch in.
Time to cut the purse strings. Is what I'd say to a normal couple. It sounds like your spouse isn't giving you much of a choice in this. But really, it's not your siblings-in-law's responsibility to pitch in either.
I really don't have a great choice. But I think my choice will be to retire on time and cover my share of expenses, and my spouse can keep working indefinitely to provide the amount of support they unilaterally elected to give.
You always have a choice! You could even "financially" divorce to separate your finances, and stay together. Good luck!
Anonymous
08/26/2025 19:09
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
It's even more infuriating when it's your in-laws, and none of their other kids (your siblings-in-law) are willing to pitch in.
Time to cut the purse strings. Is what I'd say to a normal couple. It sounds like your spouse isn't giving you much of a choice in this. But really, it's not your siblings-in-law's responsibility to pitch in either.
I really don't have a great choice. But I think my choice will be to retire on time and cover my share of expenses, and my spouse can keep working indefinitely to provide the amount of support they unilaterally elected to give.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 19:04
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
It's even more infuriating when it's your in-laws, and none of their other kids (your siblings-in-law) are willing to pitch in.
Time to cut the purse strings. Is what I'd say to a normal couple. It sounds like your spouse isn't giving you much of a choice in this. But really, it's not your siblings-in-law's responsibility to pitch in either.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 19:01
Subject: Re:At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:We paid for undergrad/top law school program/ivy grad and community college prerequisites for grad school for our 2 kids. Education included a combination of Public Undergrad and Private Graduate programs. Merit scholarships and funding combined for undergrad, law and grad school totaled $240,000.
The older kid is getting married and we will contribute 70K to wedding - they will pay the rest plus honeymoon, rings etc. (you will be surprised how often parents pay for these things). Second kid will receive the same if they want a traditional wedding. Wedding total cost will be about 100K.
We rent a vacation house once a year for all of us. They pay their own way to to get there, and we take turns paying for meals out, rounds of drinks etc. We pay more overall, but glad that they always offer to chip in, go on grocery runs etc.
Thanks to a robust stock market, we did all of this with our initial college savings fund that grew over time. Kids taking merit money and going in state for undergrad was life changing - more than we ever imagined. We did not touch our retirement, but we also did not travel as much as we may have otherwise. No complaints about that. Will comfortably retire at 65. Will probably be able to help a little with home down payments for both, but will decide when the time comes whether or not we can swing it. Our HHI is 400ish and we are upper 50s.
Well done. It's nice that you could provide so much for your kids, and that your kids now offer to pay their own way, take turns paying for meals out, rounds of drinks, etc. It sounds like any further help will not cause you to have to keep working past your desired retirement age, so your situation is a little different. We could afford to retire on time if we only covered only our own expenses, but not if we keep supporting aging parents and adult kids at the current rate. We are behind on savings relative to our income because of these outflows.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:54
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
It's even more infuriating when it's your in-laws, and none of their other kids (your siblings-in-law) are willing to pitch in.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:52
Subject: Re:At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
We paid for undergrad/top law school program/ivy grad and community college prerequisites for grad school for our 2 kids. Education included a combination of Public Undergrad and Private Graduate programs. Merit scholarships and funding combined for undergrad, law and grad school totaled $240,000.
The older kid is getting married and we will contribute 70K to wedding - they will pay the rest plus honeymoon, rings etc. (you will be surprised how often parents pay for these things). Second kid will receive the same if they want a traditional wedding. Wedding total cost will be about 100K.
We rent a vacation house once a year for all of us. They pay their own way to to get there, and we take turns paying for meals out, rounds of drinks etc. We pay more overall, but glad that they always offer to chip in, go on grocery runs etc.
Thanks to a robust stock market, we did all of this with our initial college savings fund that grew over time. Kids taking merit money and going in state for undergrad was life changing - more than we ever imagined. We did not touch our retirement, but we also did not travel as much as we may have otherwise. No complaints about that. Will comfortably retire at 65. Will probably be able to help a little with home down payments for both, but will decide when the time comes whether or not we can swing it. Our HHI is 400ish and we are upper 50s.
The older kid is getting married and we will contribute 70K to wedding - they will pay the rest plus honeymoon, rings etc. (you will be surprised how often parents pay for these things). Second kid will receive the same if they want a traditional wedding. Wedding total cost will be about 100K.
We rent a vacation house once a year for all of us. They pay their own way to to get there, and we take turns paying for meals out, rounds of drinks etc. We pay more overall, but glad that they always offer to chip in, go on grocery runs etc.
Thanks to a robust stock market, we did all of this with our initial college savings fund that grew over time. Kids taking merit money and going in state for undergrad was life changing - more than we ever imagined. We did not touch our retirement, but we also did not travel as much as we may have otherwise. No complaints about that. Will comfortably retire at 65. Will probably be able to help a little with home down payments for both, but will decide when the time comes whether or not we can swing it. Our HHI is 400ish and we are upper 50s.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:51
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.
You mean being functional humans who saved appropriately? Oh they definitely did that. Sorry you and yours didnt. Good luck to your children having to support you because of your poor decision making - how embarrassing for you.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:49
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
1.) Already retired at 47. I would not work a day longer for capable young adults. I would help pay grad school loans, but from my investments not my earned income.
'No' to costly wedding. He would never even ask. Courthouse and a dinner is more like him.
2.) There's no spouse.
3.) They live nearby. No need for airplane tickets.
Groceries and meals out are such a small expense. Haven't even thought about them.
4.) I don't vacation with them usually. They are going to EU with relatives. I paid for it as I don't feel like going, but aunt wants to take them. Adult child paid for his EU graduation trip and trip to the beach with friends.
5.) He can take my car and several relatives would let him use their car. Again, not a big deal or cost. Being able to see friends is important.
6.) Again, will help both kids with grad school loans. One went straight into 2nd year of community college and then in state while working. Haven't really had a college expense yet.
Nobody is spending money left and right. I would have asked questions about how to save or invest money if I had posted like you, and not who is paying for what expense.
That said, 'hell no' to 401k for my kids starting out.
'No' to costly wedding. He would never even ask. Courthouse and a dinner is more like him.
2.) There's no spouse.
3.) They live nearby. No need for airplane tickets.
Groceries and meals out are such a small expense. Haven't even thought about them.
4.) I don't vacation with them usually. They are going to EU with relatives. I paid for it as I don't feel like going, but aunt wants to take them. Adult child paid for his EU graduation trip and trip to the beach with friends.
5.) He can take my car and several relatives would let him use their car. Again, not a big deal or cost. Being able to see friends is important.
6.) Again, will help both kids with grad school loans. One went straight into 2nd year of community college and then in state while working. Haven't really had a college expense yet.
Nobody is spending money left and right. I would have asked questions about how to save or invest money if I had posted like you, and not who is paying for what expense.
That said, 'hell no' to 401k for my kids starting out.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:29
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
No to working after 65. Yes to paying for college and helping with weddings and down payments but only what you feel you can afford. Paying for travel is purely discretionary.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:20
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.
I feel sorry for your parents. Obviously they didn’t do a good job as parents.
Anonymous
08/26/2025 18:04
Subject: At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.
OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.
I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.