oh the days when kids would just run around the neighborhood and play with other kids of varying ages.

those kids are better adjusted as adults than kids who had 2,000 scheduled activities or locked in their houses.

It really depends on your child, and other child and so many other details.

I am an immigrant (non-White, non-Christian), and there was zero concept of a "play date" growing up in another country. The neighborhood was teeming with kids of all ages and we all played together. We did not have the guts or smarts to exclude any kid because our mums would give us a thrashing if we put any kid down or exclude any kid. After school, doing homework, resting - we were made to go out to play with other kids in the park. Had to be back once the streetlights were switched on.

When relatives or friends visited my parents - their kids became our guests. We were supposed to make sure to treat them nicely, play with them, ply them with snacks and lemonade, keep them entertained etc. The grown-ups did not think that it was their duty to take care of their kids.

If two kids were playing together - in the park or in your own house - another kid could always invite themself to your house to play and you had to include them and play with them. The only time you could escape playing with someone, or watching over younger kids was when you were studying. If you studied - you were allowed to isolate. But, you had to be studying alone. My mom had no qualms to make me turn off the TV and look after the younger kids of her guests. (BTW - I am guilty of doing that too).

It was only when I came to USA, I found out that people arrange for 1-on-1 playdates and then other kids cannot join because "Sorry, Larlo is on a playdate!" Huh? I find it very fake.

I have hosted many moms at my home. I would make coffee or tea for them and we basically hung out together. Their kids and my kids would play together and we would basically watch them. It was just a bunch of kids playing.

I don’t think that they are essential on a weekly basis. But I have found a play date can really help deepen a friendship. They don’t get lots of free time to just play in school. An afternoon of one on one time can really help kids get to know each other on a different level. When my DD was having friendship issues in 2nd grade I scheduled a few play dates with new kids or kids outside her class. It really helped her diversify her group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do play dates but I don’t love it, because they are hard to schedule, 50% of the time someone cancels due to illness or whatever, and also the families in our circle expect elaborate multi-hour play dates with structured activities whereas I’d prefer just a two hour play date drop off exchange. But we soldier on because I think they’re important. I’d much much rather have a strong neighborhood community where kids can just go over each others houses without all the scheduling. Sadly even though we moved to a suburban neighborhood for this reason in part, I never ever see any of the kids playing outside. I think they’re all inside on screens or scheduled activities. It’s really too bad.

OP here and the bolded above is why I find them stressful. I have tried to move towards to more chill version of playdates but you can tell parents (and now kids) expect something more organized. It's standard where I live for playdates to involve a craft activity (with take home craft) and either a meal or an elaborate snack. I find this stressful whether I'm hosting or not, because my kid is also a very picky eater who especially struggles to eat in other people's homes.

Where do you live? That is interesting.

I’m in an UMC area in NoVa and this is not an expectation at all.

We're in DC. I do think this gets better when kids are older? But more than once I've had other parents act weird if they drop off or pick up kids and my response to "what's the plan?" or "what did you do?" is "oh just playing." But I also think we are more hands off or have a more independent kid than others? I don't know. When she does play dates at other houses, the parents usually do activities with the kids and it's more hands on. This was really surprising to me after preschool age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do play dates but I don’t love it, because they are hard to schedule, 50% of the time someone cancels due to illness or whatever, and also the families in our circle expect elaborate multi-hour play dates with structured activities whereas I’d prefer just a two hour play date drop off exchange. But we soldier on because I think they’re important. I’d much much rather have a strong neighborhood community where kids can just go over each others houses without all the scheduling. Sadly even though we moved to a suburban neighborhood for this reason in part, I never ever see any of the kids playing outside. I think they’re all inside on screens or scheduled activities. It’s really too bad.

OP here and the bolded above is why I find them stressful. I have tried to move towards to more chill version of playdates but you can tell parents (and now kids) expect something more organized. It's standard where I live for playdates to involve a craft activity (with take home craft) and either a meal or an elaborate snack. I find this stressful whether I'm hosting or not, because my kid is also a very picky eater who especially struggles to eat in other people's homes.

Where do you live? That is interesting.

I’m in an UMC area in NoVa and this is not an expectation at all.

Anonymous wrote:We do play dates but I don’t love it, because they are hard to schedule, 50% of the time someone cancels due to illness or whatever, and also the families in our circle expect elaborate multi-hour play dates with structured activities whereas I’d prefer just a two hour play date drop off exchange. But we soldier on because I think they’re important. I’d much much rather have a strong neighborhood community where kids can just go over each others houses without all the scheduling. Sadly even though we moved to a suburban neighborhood for this reason in part, I never ever see any of the kids playing outside. I think they’re all inside on screens or scheduled activities. It’s really too bad.

OP here and the bolded above is why I find them stressful. I have tried to move towards to more chill version of playdates but you can tell parents (and now kids) expect something more organized. It's standard where I live for playdates to involve a craft activity (with take home craft) and either a meal or an elaborate snack. I find this stressful whether I'm hosting or not, because my kid is also a very picky eater who especially struggles to eat in other people's homes.

Anonymous wrote:They matter from preschool through 2nd grade when sports take over.

Not everyone has sports take over in 2nd grade which is also weirdly specific.

Why do people find them so hard? I don’t get it.

I was always happy to do them…my kid was occupied for a couple hours. Also past preschool they are always drop off so not a bunch of interacting with parents.

With my kids, I did have kids I didn’t like having over. Just sour or rude. But each kid had a couple friends I liked and parents were easy to deal with and it was no trouble to me. Parents who didn’t respond or were annoying to coordinate I wouldn’t deal with them again.

I don’t think they are important at all and they are a PIA so I rarely do them. Between school (recess), the neighbors, free play with other kids at local playground, after school care (which is pretty much just another hour of recess/free play), and extracurricular- that’s plenty of socializing. Plus birthday parties which happen several times per year and we have family friends (and kids are good friend) what we see on each other’s houses regularly and vacation with- I don’t feel like I also need to have a kid over for 2 hrs on a Saturday and pretty much sideline our entire day for that.

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused… what you’re saying is that you never want your children to have friends over?

You can have friends without having formal “play dates”

They are important to my kids so they are important to me.

I’m confused… what you’re saying is that you never want your children to have friends over?

We do play dates but I don’t love it, because they are hard to schedule, 50% of the time someone cancels due to illness or whatever, and also the families in our circle expect elaborate multi-hour play dates with structured activities whereas I’d prefer just a two hour play date drop off exchange. But we soldier on because I think they’re important. I’d much much rather have a strong neighborhood community where kids can just go over each others houses without all the scheduling. Sadly even though we moved to a suburban neighborhood for this reason in part, I never ever see any of the kids playing outside. I think they’re all inside on screens or scheduled activities. It’s really too bad.

I think it's important for kids to have large blocks of time without adult direction (other than enforcing safety rules if need be) to play, and negotiate, and be creative and active.

That can be playdates, or some aftercare programs will allow it, or playing outside in the neighborhood or at the park. If your kids have a large family, it can be within your family.

In some schools there may be enough outdoor time to fill this need, but in most schools today there isn't.

Adult directed organized sports are something entirely different, and shouldn't replace this. But something like shooting hoops with the neighbor kids, or going on a bike ride, or meeting up to play at the pool counts.