I stopped going to these things. I do not miss them and don’t care if anyone thinks I’m a jerk. They are not fun, and I have extremely limited free time. I don’t want to spend it with people I don’t care about.

I like family events because I love my family and care about them. But if you don’t, just don’t go to the events. No one can force you if you are an adult.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are lots of threads on here about this. Make the family you want with your friends. My siblings have stopped visiting (I live near the hometown) and nobody visits them either. We might get a grown niece or nephew passing through so it's not total estrangement - it's just a mutual... "not interested".... it's very freeing.

Sad

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound fun.

I am? With people I care about. I guess I’m tying to understand why, just because I share DNA with someone, they should be more important than the people who actually make an impact in my life.

You sound even worse now. If it bothers you that you get together with people three times a year that you don't know very well, then get to know them better. You are a shrew.

Umm no op is not a shrew. 3 times a year is at least 2 times to much!😁

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound fun.

I am? With people I care about. I guess I’m tying to understand why, just because I share DNA with someone, they should be more important than the people who actually make an impact in my life.

I get it op and agree with you. Sometimes it is so called “tradition.” Some families use dna to guilt trip. Do your own thing and live life on your own terms. Enjoy!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are lots of threads on here about this. Make the family you want with your friends. My siblings have stopped visiting (I live near the hometown) and nobody visits them either. We might get a grown niece or nephew passing through so it's not total estrangement - it's just a mutual... "not interested".... it's very freeing.

OP here. It’s exactly this. If I’d rather spend a summer evening with close friends, and not to the dinner being hosted for Aunt Mildred who is coming in to town with her husband’s children and grandchildren, then I’m horrible. Why? I guess I don’t get it. Why should I care about these people?

You are damaged goods.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are lots of threads on here about this. Make the family you want with your friends. My siblings have stopped visiting (I live near the hometown) and nobody visits them either. We might get a grown niece or nephew passing through so it's not total estrangement - it's just a mutual... "not interested".... it's very freeing.

OP here. It’s exactly this. If I’d rather spend a summer evening with close friends, and not to the dinner being hosted for Aunt Mildred who is coming in to town with her husband’s children and grandchildren, then I’m horrible. Why? I guess I don’t get it. Why should I care about these people?

To be blunt, it's part of being a normal human being. It feels like you have a piece missing, from the way you talk

This is separate from people have distanced themselves from hurtful or dysfunctional families.

But it's a free countries and you can opt out. Others can judge and that's their right as well.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are lots of threads on here about this. Make the family you want with your friends. My siblings have stopped visiting (I live near the hometown) and nobody visits them either. We might get a grown niece or nephew passing through so it's not total estrangement - it's just a mutual... "not interested".... it's very freeing.

Freeing. Yeah, being free from love and people who've known you since you were in diapers must be liberating. I'd also love to be free from my savings account and my country home.

1-3 times a year??? Yes, you should know these people. And no, these are not rare reunions. They're very frequent.

We're expats. We only see our parents and close relatives once every two years on average. I haven't seen some of my cousins in Asia in 10 years.

This September, there is a RARE family reunion. I hope my adults kids will make it. It's to see an uncle and family that we have not seen in 18 years, OP!

I cannot relate at all to what you're complaining about. If you don't want to go, don't do. But don't pretend you can't KNOW these people. You see them so often!

I think a number of people are like this. In a few months there will likely be several posts from people who feel forced into spending Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with family they aren't close to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are lots of threads on here about this. Make the family you want with your friends. My siblings have stopped visiting (I live near the hometown) and nobody visits them either. We might get a grown niece or nephew passing through so it's not total estrangement - it's just a mutual... "not interested".... it's very freeing.

OP here. It’s exactly this. If I’d rather spend a summer evening with close friends, and not to the dinner being hosted for Aunt Mildred who is coming in to town with her husband’s children and grandchildren, then I’m horrible. Why? I guess I don’t get it. Why should I care about these people?

My guess is you don't like where you come from (literally and/or figuratively). And those feelings are triggered with family.

Personally I have found that my family is the most trustworthy and dependable thing in my life, even if we are different.

I don't know OP, it's human nature to try and forge relationships with people who share your DNA. I agree that the point of these events is to get to know members of your family. Knowing something about your family and its origins and maintaining some relationships helps many people have a sense of history, belonging and identity. If this is not the case for you, then of course you have no obligation to attend. Do you have kids? If yes, consider whether you'll regret it down the line when your kids have no connection to their extended family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound fun.

I am? With people I care about. I guess I’m tying to understand why, just because I share DNA with someone, they should be more important than the people who actually make an impact in my life.

It’s a two way street. Maybe if you were a good enough person to “care about” your family it would have been reciprocated and you’d be a happier person.

What if it’s not reciprocated? I think the issue is the pretending everyone is a big, happy family, and you’re a jerk if you don’t play along. It’s all for show.

Consider that the other people aren't pretending. Maybe open your heart a bit to the possibility.

Yes I genuinely LOVE getting together with family a few times a year. It doesn't feel forced to me and I don't pretend. I wonder if there are family members who think I am pretending. Hmm.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are lots of threads on here about this. Make the family you want with your friends. My siblings have stopped visiting (I live near the hometown) and nobody visits them either. We might get a grown niece or nephew passing through so it's not total estrangement - it's just a mutual... "not interested".... it's very freeing.

OP here. It’s exactly this. If I’d rather spend a summer evening with close friends, and not to the dinner being hosted for Aunt Mildred who is coming in to town with her husband’s children and grandchildren, then I’m horrible. Why? I guess I don’t get it. Why should I care about these people?

I've hated them my whole life, even as a kid. We stopped going to them. It was too painful during and afterward.

But some people have different family dynamics. You know yours.