Anonymous wrote:DH is in denial about kid because he knows it's his family's genetic legacy and because he has no empathy.
He won't change.
Act accordingly.

PS How DO all these undiagnosed or adult diagnosed ASD men get women to marry them?

They do well in school and have solid earning potential. Young girlfriends make excuses for immaturity. Especially if the women don't date around to see how different guys act. And, being a homeowner/business owner/spouse/parent/employee is a lot more demanding than just being a student.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It sounds extremely on point Asian to me. These are very real dysfunctional Asian family dynamics OP is trying to work through. OP, I strongly suggest a family therapist for you and your child, one who is experienced with these kinds of intense families. Your child unfortunately will pick up on your spouse's feelings. You are not alone tho.

How many Northern Europeans living in the US do you know? Like that still have their accent? Focus on intellectual excellence is not purely an Asian American trait.

It’s not just Asians whose husbands don’t want to admit their child has a mental health diagnosis or learning disability but it is very much an Asian thing to deny there’s a problem. We have a large portion of Asian families here and it’s remarkable that the math club is all Asian kids with the exception of 2 or 3 kids. They all seem to follow one path and if your kid is on a different path it must be lonely.

I have a son with a learning disability and I went to the school meetings and doctor appointments without my husband because he worked so much and I was fine making the decisions. Just leave your husband out of your son’s care and make decisions that are best for your son.

I feel bad for the Asian kids who have parents that isolate them and their lives revolve around math enrichment classes and violin lessons.

OP, are you Asian and from the same culture? This is very common in Asian families in the boomer generation. Less so in next generation so it is a little surprising your husband is so stubborn but these attitudes can be passed down from his own childhood of being loved conditionally.

As an Asian, I can say that many many of my friends grew up in families like this. This is the norm, some worse than others or course. Most of us turned out fine, and as a whole I don't see my Asian friends having more psychological issues or trauma than white friends. Most of my friends were not SN, however, so take it with a grain of salt, but the idea of growing up feeling like you are not good enough is kind of a universal Asian second generation experience.

The real question is, can you handle this? Being the sole support for your child, and being able to put up with his condescension. He is unlikely to change.

Random thought, can you talk to your in laws? If there is to be any change, it might have to start with your MIL, because again, highly likely his issues stem from conditional love in his own childhood.

Good news is, if you divorce, sounds like he might be willing to give up custody.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

This. Staying with a man who openly displays disdain for their own child says a lot about you. Your child needs one parent on their side and who won’t stay with a loser parent who blames you.

For people asking how women marry undiagnosed ASD. I can only talk about my experience. DH was very successful and from a wealthy family. Red flags were dismissed as quirks or cultural differences

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It sounds extremely on point Asian to me. These are very real dysfunctional Asian family dynamics OP is trying to work through. OP, I strongly suggest a family therapist for you and your child, one who is experienced with these kinds of intense families. Your child unfortunately will pick up on your spouse's feelings. You are not alone tho.

How many Northern Europeans living in the US do you know? Like that still have their accent? Focus on intellectual excellence is not purely an Asian American trait.

Being cruel and demeaning to your kids because of it, that is what signals Asian witbout OP having say it in her first post.

Anonymous wrote:DH is in denial about kid because he knows it's his family's genetic legacy and because he has no empathy.
He won't change.
Act accordingly.

PS How DO all these undiagnosed or adult diagnosed ASD men get women to marry them?

They don't. Women just decide their husbands have undiagnosed asd instead of just admitting they ignored red flags or that their husbands are simply aholes.

DH is in denial about kid because he knows it's his family's genetic legacy and because he has no empathy.
He won't change.
Act accordingly.

PS How DO all these undiagnosed or adult diagnosed ASD men get women to marry them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It sounds extremely on point Asian to me. These are very real dysfunctional Asian family dynamics OP is trying to work through. OP, I strongly suggest a family therapist for you and your child, one who is experienced with these kinds of intense families. Your child unfortunately will pick up on your spouse's feelings. You are not alone tho.

How many Northern Europeans living in the US do you know? Like that still have their accent? Focus on intellectual excellence is not purely an Asian American trait.

Family Therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is Asian and no, he doesn’t agree with getting therapy for himself or as a couple

OP, speaking as someone who also married an undiagnosed ASD Asian man with a STEM PhD who also did not "agree with getting therapy for himself or as a couple" --

Divorce.

You have no other choice. If he doesn't agree to go to therapy (mine didn't), he won't acknowledge his shortcomings. His ASD and his culture (my Ex-DH was from Korea) make it basically impossible that he will have any functional relationship with your kid, or with you; he's already blaming you for your kid's disabilities! You'll see, over time, how absurd that is, and how much of a strain it is on your relationship with both him and your kid.

PP here, my kid was only "mildly" learning disabled (still tested as gifted, but had inattentive ADHD that was only diagnosed in late high school and poor visual-spatial scores on cognitive testing -- no ASD or other learning disorders). But DH still struck so much emotional damage into her that I wished I had divorced earlier.

Anonymous wrote:DH is Asian and no, he doesn’t agree with getting therapy for himself or as a couple

OP, speaking as someone who also married an undiagnosed ASD Asian man with a STEM PhD who also did not "agree with getting therapy for himself or as a couple" --

Divorce.

You have no other choice. If he doesn't agree to go to therapy (mine didn't), he won't acknowledge his shortcomings. His ASD and his culture (my Ex-DH was from Korea) make it basically impossible that he will have any functional relationship with your kid, or with you; he's already blaming you for your kid's disabilities! You'll see, over time, how absurd that is, and how much of a strain it is on your relationship with both him and your kid.

DH is Asian and no, he doesn’t agree with getting therapy for himself or as a couple

Assuming this is a DH. This is extremely common with men. Would he agree to couple's therapy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It doesn't sound fake at all. But I agree with the recommendation to post in the forum. This comes up all the time -- unfortunately, it often takes fathers more time to come to terms with their child's diagnosis. In the meantime, make sure to find a support system for yourself, since

you can't rely on your spouse.

Sounds fake because op is breadcrumbing