Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

I’m the “zones” poster and I think this is a terrible attitude.

It took maybe two hours to first brainstorm “zones” and then divvy them up. And we spend maybe an hour a year making tweaks and adjustments as the kids age and the responsibilities shift. That’s… nothing. Compared to the work and effort it takes to actually raise three kids and manage a home, that time is a drop in the bucket.

And we all know where “just do it” ends up - mom doing 80% + of this stuff. Take the time to divide up your zones, then you can each “just do it” on your stuff. No taskmaster, no scheduling.

+1

I'd love to hear from the PP's spouse and what they think. If PP is even married with kids, which I doubt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I’m happy. We’ve divided up “zones.”

His zones:
Food (meal planning, grocery ordering, cooking)
School (communication, putting events on the shared calendar, volunteering)
Finances
Church (registering for Sunday school, volunteering)
Potty training
Extracurriculars
Trash
Date night planning/babysitters

My zones:
Laundry
Kids clothes (buying, tracking what’s outgrown, organizing hand me downs)
Buying stuff we need and keeping the house stocked (water bottles, school supplies, baby gear, toys, furniture, garbage bags, paper towels, etc)
Household maintenance and repairmen
School lottery and research
Nanny
Summer camps
Kids chores (management, assignment, teaching)
Parenting research/problem solving

Shared:
Childcare
Cleaning

I’m sure there are some zones I’m forgetting, but that’s the jist. We trust each other to handle our stuff. We also both work similar hours, with similar stress and similar incomes. We’re very happy together and very happy with our chore balance.

Oh wow. I do all of this with the exception of summer camp. I also do the lawn care, which isn’t on your list, but I like to do it. DH is also in charge of pest control, gift giving (including Christmas), and car maintenance.

It drives me crazy sometimes. I make about 1/3 of what DH makes, but he does not do anything like 25% of the household chores.

How many hours do you each work and how stressful is the work?

My best friend is a Kindergarten teacher so she works really hard but doesn't get paid that much. Her husband has a stupid office job where he makes a bit more than her but acts like he is so important and works "harder" when in reality he just sits at his desk and comes home for lunch for an hour every day. He does NOTHING around the house. I can't fathom being with someone who wouldn't throw in a load of laundry or clean the kitchen or get dinner started or do anything during their HOUR of sitting at home at lunch. He just watches TV or plays on his phone. So yeah, he out-earns her (although he's not exactly a high earner himself, I think he makes around $65K), but she works infinitely harder.

So, PP, I don't think it matters that you make less than your husband unless that translates into you working fewer hours and/or having a much less stressful job.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I’m happy. We’ve divided up “zones.”

His zones:
Food (meal planning, grocery ordering, cooking)
School (communication, putting events on the shared calendar, volunteering)
Finances
Church (registering for Sunday school, volunteering)
Potty training
Extracurriculars
Trash
Date night planning/babysitters

My zones:
Laundry
Kids clothes (buying, tracking what’s outgrown, organizing hand me downs)
Buying stuff we need and keeping the house stocked (water bottles, school supplies, baby gear, toys, furniture, garbage bags, paper towels, etc)
Household maintenance and repairmen
School lottery and research
Nanny
Summer camps
Kids chores (management, assignment, teaching)
Parenting research/problem solving

Shared:
Childcare
Cleaning

I’m sure there are some zones I’m forgetting, but that’s the jist. We trust each other to handle our stuff. We also both work similar hours, with similar stress and similar incomes. We’re very happy together and very happy with our chore balance.

You sound lot like me, PP, and I swear I think it's one of the reasons our marriages are so happy. I find that the bigger the disparity in all things (income, hours, chores, etc.), the bigger the problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he outearn you? or are you equal?
Lower income spouse should do more

Incorrect. Spouse who has more time at home does more. If you are both away from the house 9 hours a day then you both do equal chores. Just because I make more than my spouse doesn't make my free time more valuable than theirs.

I hope you mean more time at home not working. Luckily my husband and I both work from home, but I think the people who don't value the time at home that is spent working are jerks. When I work from home, that is not 8-10 hours of time to do other stuff as well - I'm working! Of course it brings with it a certain level of flexibility, like the ability to move laundry during calls, which I greatly value, but any spouse who doesn't value working time if it's done from home is a real problem.

I view the calculation as to who does what as a combination of multiple things, but my husband and I have flip flopped back and forth on who earns more over the years so that to us has rarely been a factor but maybe that's also because we earn roughly the same (within about $75K of each other). To us it's mostly a matter of non-work time. If one of us is busier at work, whether that's traveling or more calls or just needing to work harder, then the other picks up the slack. The default is 50/50, but it'll shift depending on how things are going. When we're both really busy, we'll outsource more (i.e. order dinner/eat out), and when we're less busy it means we get more family time. We also consider how hard the other is working - some days are pretty easy and they don't drain you, others are exhausting because of what you're doing, so to me, even working 8 hours one day isn't the same as working 8 hours another day. Thankfully we're able to communicate about that and we respect each other's statements on how we feel and will step up accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

I’m the “zones” poster and I think this is a terrible attitude.

It took maybe two hours to first brainstorm “zones” and then divvy them up. And we spend maybe an hour a year making tweaks and adjustments as the kids age and the responsibilities shift. That’s… nothing. Compared to the work and effort it takes to actually raise three kids and manage a home, that time is a drop in the bucket.

And we all know where “just do it” ends up - mom doing 80% + of this stuff. Take the time to divide up your zones, then you can each “just do it” on your stuff. No taskmaster, no scheduling.

Ah there it is. 1980s-90s teacher talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

This.
Probably partly why there are so many divorced people here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Oh please. People can visibly see a diaper that is about to bust, can hear when kids complain of hunger, basic parenting responsibilities but when they choose not to do anything about it is when it's effed up, most especially after being told each time Mom is out of the house.

OK I guess choosing to say nothing and being miserable is a much more desirable outcome.

LOL I'm not the OP or even a PP as this was my first comment. But with my husband I have said over and over again to please change the kid's diapers and feed them more than letting them get their own crackers or fruit snacks. Not talking gourmet, simply heating up something frozen like nuggets or Mac and cheese with some frozen veggies. Too hard of an ask, apparently.

My husband’s first response is to push back, defend himself, and act like I’m crazy.
And then I feel like, “am I crazy for feeding my kids lunch? Do other people really not do this?”
That’s how I end up on DCUM asking dumb questions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Oh please. People can visibly see a diaper that is about to bust, can hear when kids complain of hunger, basic parenting responsibilities but when they choose not to do anything about it is when it's effed up, most especially after being told each time Mom is out of the house.

OK I guess choosing to say nothing and being miserable is a much more desirable outcome.

LOL I'm not the OP or even a PP as this was my first comment. But with my husband I have said over and over again to please change the kid's diapers and feed them more than letting them get their own crackers or fruit snacks. Not talking gourmet, simply heating up something frozen like nuggets or Mac and cheese with some frozen veggies. Too hard of an ask, apparently.

Is this supposed to mean something to me? You picked him lady. Either work with what you have or divorce him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Oh please. People can visibly see a diaper that is about to bust, can hear when kids complain of hunger, basic parenting responsibilities but when they choose not to do anything about it is when it's effed up, most especially after being told each time Mom is out of the house.

OK I guess choosing to say nothing and being miserable is a much more desirable outcome.

LOL I'm not the OP or even a PP as this was my first comment. But with my husband I have said over and over again to please change the kid's diapers and feed them more than letting them get their own crackers or fruit snacks. Not talking gourmet, simply heating up something frozen like nuggets or Mac and cheese with some frozen veggies. Too hard of an ask, apparently.

This thread is solely designed to revisit the tired trope of “my DH doesn’t do anything around the house.” Yawn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Oh please. People can visibly see a diaper that is about to bust, can hear when kids complain of hunger, basic parenting responsibilities but when they choose not to do anything about it is when it's effed up, most especially after being told each time Mom is out of the house.

OK I guess choosing to say nothing and being miserable is a much more desirable outcome.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Oh please. People can visibly see a diaper that is about to bust, can hear when kids complain of hunger, basic parenting responsibilities but when they choose not to do anything about it is when it's effed up, most especially after being told each time Mom is out of the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

Yes, it is a turn off when your spouse would walk over a garbage bag before he took it out to the curb unasked. It is also a turn off to find dirty diapers on the changing table after your spouse changed the baby 5 hours ago. Or being gone for hours and finding spouse DIDN'T change the baby's diaper. Or a SO who wouldn't ever wash a dish until he ran out of dishes (and even then he might not).

Make him a list of things that he needs to get done. Treat him like a child since apparently that's what he is.

But also, if you haven't brought this up as "hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed and need you to start pulling your weight," you can't expect him to just know.