Anonymous wrote:Yes, i have a toxic mother. My sister and I are estranged from her but we have another sister who is the golden child. Her reality is so distorted.

In my situation multiple people who have gotten close to our family, my husband included, have over the years seen the side of my mom that she hid from public and saved for us at home. It is still hard and the sister who is close to our mom still essentially thinks we are awful people for how terribly we treat mom. When in fact it was she who physically, verbally and emotionally abused us for year. Somehow my mom and this adored sister always twist every single situation into being everyone’s fault but theirs. I truly don’t think they hear their own delusions or distortions.

It is tough. I’m sorry. You’re not alone.

To add, by “how terribly we treat mom” I mean that we have low/minimal contact with her.

Yes, i have a toxic mother. My sister and I are estranged from her but we have another sister who is the golden child. Her reality is so distorted.

In my situation multiple people who have gotten close to our family, my husband included, have over the years seen the side of my mom that she hid from public and saved for us at home. It is still hard and the sister who is close to our mom still essentially thinks we are awful people for how terribly we treat mom. When in fact it was she who physically, verbally and emotionally abused us for year. Somehow my mom and this adored sister always twist every single situation into being everyone’s fault but theirs. I truly don’t think they hear their own delusions or distortions.

It is tough. I’m sorry. You’re not alone.

I had a really hard conversation once, just after the death of a dear friend from graduate school who was older than me and kind of a substitute mom, with a young woman who had worked with my mother and raved about how kind, encouraging and supportive my mother was and how lucky I was to have such a mother.

My mother was NEVER kind, encouraging or supportive of me - not in my entire life. She actually seemed to 'get off' on being cruel to me, while she adored my brother who never ever did a single wrong thing in his life - even when he was screaming at her and calling her the C word, behaviors he learned from our abusive 'dad'.

I will never fully understand the psychology of it, but I think in short that my mother encouraged everyone in the family to scapegoat me because it reduced the amount of misogynistic abuse directed at her.

The closest I can come to labeling from the reading I've done is something along the lines of covert narcissism/fragile narcissism to describe my mother's behavior. Always sweet to people's faces, behaved like she wouldn't say poop if she had a mouthful - but behind people's backs she tore them down endlessly. Her behavior in that regard made me deeply untrustworthy of anybody's friendshop or love, because I grew up seeing my mother behave that way and knowing that behind the backs of her family members and friends she was always talking smack about them and believing herself beyond reproach and superior to everyone else - despite her truly heinous flaws, like enabling her husband to physically beat her children beginning in the womb and to viciously bully them psychologically their entire lives. All very weird, and very upsetting to witness and endure.

I'm grateful she chain smoked herself into an early grave and thus removed from me the burden of explaining to people why I estranged myself from her and her husband after 30 years of the toxic insanity.

And yes, my 'dad' was also a 'really great guy' who always made people laugh and who friends would tell me I was lucky to have as a 'dad.' It's chilling how effectively some people wear masks in public while behaving entirely differently behind closed doors with the people that are hostage to their 'affections.'

What I will say is that growing up with these personality disordered parents was a great foundation for being a criminal attorney as I was for several years - I learned not to trust people and that's basically essential if you're going to survive practicing criminal law.

My Mom was a complicated but very loving (by actions) mother. As I told my sister for her (mom) raising 5 kids with all different personalities + must have been like trying to steer a chariot with 5 horses, some quite unruly at times. Now that she is gone and I am a parent and older, I offer her forgiveness and love. She gave 110% of her energy and time to each of us in a multitude of ways. Miss her!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

I have a wonderful and loving mom.

+ 1
Me too. My mom is my hero. She is a beloved matriarch of the entire extended family.

Does she and did she do the stuff OP's mom does throughout her life or is she kinder? Is it you taking barbs better from her or your mom having less of them throughout your life?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

I have a wonderful and loving mom.

+ 1
Me too. My mom is my hero. She is a beloved matriarch of the entire extended family.

Also how is no one right? Telling you after you called to wish them a happy birthday that your granddaughter was just told by them to not be like you is generally considered a barb in any culture. Taking offense or not is a right, but generally this behavior is considered poor behavior.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is different. I've noticed that some people are really bothered by judgy and mean-spirited relatives who talk smack whereas others can shrug or laugh it off. Some people tend towards gossip whereas others are super offended by it. Is it possible you and your sister differ in these ways? No one is right, but affects people differently.

I agree with this. I don't really understand why others are ok with this behavior but you are right it slides by some people much more easily. Maybe because they do it too? Mean-spirited people give other mean-spirited people a pass? I also notice a lot of these people are extraverted so maybe they just say so much that they agree it can't all come out correct or they realize that they should keep some thoughts inside but that they can't. It's been something I've pondered over the years why it bothers some people and doesn't bother others and why some people are more mean spirited verbally than others. Comes up in the workplace and at home all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

OP's siblings

Lol PP you are correct! There are four of us. My mom flat out admitted to me about 5 years ago that she was easy on two of my brothers, and hard on me and my other sibling. She said the other two were easy, and she “couldn’t control” the other two of us. Actually her lack of involvement in my life made me self sufficient. As for the other sibling that she scapegoated, he doesn’t see it. He reveres her, and strives for her approval. She’ll have him do things like drive 4 hours from where he lives to fix something at her house, when there’s any number of ways such things could be taken care of without hardship to him. In short, she’s selfish, but in such a way that people don’t realize it, and you in fact seem like the selfish one if you don’t oblige.

Yup!

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

OP's siblings

"I know from past experience not to offer up details because she’ll use them against us." Hugs, OP. I was the scapegoat, too. I'm pretty sure my mother was a covert narcissist. They are the most difficult type to deal with because it's all underhanded nonsense that is kept inside four walls. The quiet aggression never leaves the house, it is all turned inward on one person (the scapegoat). At my mother's funeral, people came up to me to tell me how nice my mom was to them. It was like hearing stories about someone I did not know. I remember once as a young adult finally confronting my mother to ask why she could never offer me a compliment that wasn't laced with a hurtful barb and she told me essentially that if I were to have any self confidence it would be highly off-putting to other people. I remember withholding information from my family members so they couldn't make fun of me, or use it against me to sabotage me. That's the clearest sign you are being scapegoated: you are not allowed to keep any secrets as the family scapegoat. People with healthier moms (emotionally) can't understand any of this, OP. I don't begrudge them their positive experience. Good for them! I only hope they can widen their perspective to see that not everyone gets a loving mother. Patrick Teahan on YouTube is an excellent resource, as is Rebecca Mandeville.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

Literally every one of my friends, I'm the only one with a toxic mom.

“Mom is being mom”, “That’s my crazy uncle”
That is how you avoid it.

My mother had all sorts of issues and was wildly judgmental of everyone. I was SHOCKED when she died and a couple of cousins described her as seeming gentle.