I think they make a lot of sense. Much more sense than the idea of meeting someone in your 20s/30s and staying faithful to them for the rest of your life -- which could be another 50-60 years!!

Anonymous wrote:I have been in an unhappy marriage and am now in a happy marriage. At peak unhappiness in the unhappy marriage, I considered some form of open relationship out of sheer desperation (I didn't want a mostly lonely, mostly sexless marriage to be my whole life-- but I had young kids and also did not want to get divorced). I imagined that – maybe! – a sexual relationship with another man could take some of the pressure off my marriage. Did not go through with it, though. And it was clear to me even then that an open marriage was not what I wanted, it was just something that was maybe, possibly, marginally better than the available alternatives at that moment.

In the end I got divorced, met someone else and am now in a happy marriage. And I cannot imagine "opening it up." It's too precious to risk it for the sake of sex with a few more people.

This! I don't find monogamy thrilling every second of every day, but I love my spouse and I really love our family and I just see how me sleeping with other people would benefit any of those relationships. I'd rather deal with the downsides of monogamy than risk blowing up my marriage.

Anonymous wrote:There was a memoir published in the last year or so by a woman in an ENM marriage. It got a lot of press at the time (Molly Roden Winter is the author). Literally every comment I read in various reviews said her dh came across as a total jerk who bullied her into being non-monogamous so that he could carry on his affairs. I didn't read the book; the reviews were unappealing enough. The other common thread in all the comments was people placing bets on when that marriage would implode. It sounded kind of sad to me. They have teenage kids who have to deal with their parents' relationship being discussed far and wide.

I mean, she keeps begging the husband to close the marriage and he refuses. He’s a rich guy so I assume she’s staying for the money.

See:

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2022/06/29/scenes-from-an-open-marriage/

followed by

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/07/21/magazine/men-heterofatalism-dating-relationships.html

Apparently that whole open marriage thing, which was supposedly adding such an amazing new layer of erotic intimacy to her marriage, did not work out so well... as she is now divorced, and complaining that men suck.

Anonymous wrote:It also just seems pretty exploitative to me. Like a cover for irresponsible narcissists to behave selfishly... all in the name of expanding human freedom.

This is basically what it was for the one long-term couple I know who "made it work." Only one was a narcissist and that parter had like a half dozen different relationships/entanglements outside the marriage. It was like a parasitic relationship where the marriage was made functional by attaching itself to other people who could provide the narcissist with attention and adoration. It was very odd.

I have known other people who had open marriages but it was always either a precursor to divorce or a temporary thing that they worked through and then closed it back up. I do not think humans are built for this kind of relationship long term. Granted, monogamy doesn't work longterm for a lot of people either. But I think it's more functional and successful than open marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does ENM differ between DADT? Isn’t the latter how a decent chunk of our grandparents/great grandparents stayed married for 50+ years?

The E in ENM just means ethical. No lying or deceit. So if both partners agree to DADT, that is ethical.

ENM can also include polyamory which for many people includes metamours (partner's partner) being cordial with each other.

It seems to me like DADT is usually more stable and long-lasting than poly.

Poly people are often...a pain in the ass.

Self-righteous pains in the ass. And rarely attractive.

There was a memoir published in the last year or so by a woman in an ENM marriage. It got a lot of press at the time (Molly Roden Winter is the author). Literally every comment I read in various reviews said her dh came across as a total jerk who bullied her into being non-monogamous so that he could carry on his affairs. I didn't read the book; the reviews were unappealing enough. The other common thread in all the comments was people placing bets on when that marriage would implode. It sounded kind of sad to me. They have teenage kids who have to deal with their parents' relationship being discussed far and wide.

I have been in an unhappy marriage and am now in a happy marriage. At peak unhappiness in the unhappy marriage, I considered some form of open relationship out of sheer desperation (I didn't want a mostly lonely, mostly sexless marriage to be my whole life-- but I had young kids and also did not want to get divorced). I imagined that – maybe! – a sexual relationship with another man could take some of the pressure off my marriage. Did not go through with it, though. And it was clear to me even then that an open marriage was not what I wanted, it was just something that was maybe, possibly, marginally better than the available alternatives at that moment.

In the end I got divorced, met someone else and am now in a happy marriage. And I cannot imagine "opening it up." It's too precious to risk it for the sake of sex with a few more people.

Anonymous wrote:It also just seems pretty exploitative to me. Like a cover for irresponsible narcissists to behave selfishly... all in the name of expanding human freedom.

Ding ding ding. Selfish, needy people who need tons of validation and affirmation are plentiful in ENM.

Anonymous wrote:Does ENM differ between DADT? Isn’t the latter how a decent chunk of our grandparents/great grandparents stayed married for 50+ years?

The E in ENM just means ethical. No lying or deceit. So if both partners agree to DADT, that is ethical.

ENM can also include polyamory which for many people includes metamours (partner's partner) being cordial with each other.

It seems to me like DADT is usually more stable and long-lasting than poly.

Poly people are often...a pain in the ass.

Anonymous wrote:It also just seems pretty exploitative to me. Like a cover for irresponsible narcissists to behave selfishly... all in the name of expanding human freedom.

As a bisexual woman I can see some appeal in it…

It also just seems pretty exploitative to me. Like a cover for irresponsible narcissists to behave selfishly... all in the name of expanding human freedom.

Anonymous wrote:I think Carolyn Hax once said, it’s like shooting the moon. You have to be all in. If there’s part of you that’s not into it, it’s not gonna work.

Super unappealing to me, that’s for sure. I’d never do it.

As far as successful examples - it’s probably a little hard because most of the “regular” people who do this probably don’t talk about it much, there’s a pretty big stigma. But Dan Savage has been happily married for like 20+ years and has said they’re not fully monogamous.

Yes there was a research that confirmed that polyamorous relationships work out when there is a high earner man who can guarantee stability to the women involved. Financial benefits make up for some relationship instability

For regular folks it won’t work due to complicated logistics

Anonymous wrote:Does ENM differ between DADT? Isn’t the latter how a decent chunk of our grandparents/great grandparents stayed married for 50+ years?

ENM in my opinion is just several partners having a pool of other partners. Some have a primary partner. But by at large, all these people are not connected by strong passion, familial relationships or social views. They are not romantic familial “triads”.
Alexander Block’d wife was heartbroken when their “third” (a much younger woman who lived with them as family member under the same roof) left their triad for another woman. Women who had two partners birthed children and even died in birth. Men in MFM
triads followed their female lovers and their official husbands, and lived as one household. These were strong families. We don’t know if they had threesomes but same gender partners seemed to be very connected…

What we see in modern ENM looks more like just recreational sex

I think Carolyn Hax once said, it’s like shooting the moon. You have to be all in. If there’s part of you that’s not into it, it’s not gonna work.

Super unappealing to me, that’s for sure. I’d never do it.

As far as successful examples - it’s probably a little hard because most of the “regular” people who do this probably don’t talk about it much, there’s a pretty big stigma. But Dan Savage has been happily married for like 20+ years and has said they’re not fully monogamous.