Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

I wish he divorced, sent her back to her parents (we all lived with his mom, not in the U.S.) and we would stay with him and grandma. Her parents didn’t want her though, I think (they were a crazy wife plus enabler themselves). So i understand it wasn’t very feasible.

what he could also do is leave her after both of us kids left the house. She inherited her parents’ house so she could go there or she could stay and he would go there.

Or, maybe he could stand up to some of her really crazy rituals and hoarding?

Not really sure. I realize it was hard to do something once he knew she was crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

I wish he divorced, sent her back to her parents (we all lived with his mom, not in the U.S.) and we would stay with him and grandma. Her parents didn’t want her though, I think (they were a crazy wife plus enabler themselves). So i understand it wasn’t very feasible.

what he could also do is leave her after both of us kids left the house. She inherited her parents’ house so she could go there or she could stay and he would go there.

Or, maybe he could stand up to some of her really crazy rituals and hoarding?

Not really sure. I realize it was hard to do something once he knew she was crazy.

Anonymous wrote:
Seems like you haven't grown up and still harbor unreasonable resentment. Your parents don't owe you a perfect childhood and a perfect marriage. Even if you believe neither was a good parent, you need to let go of the fact that he's ever going to acknowledge that. Now he's in decline. Yes, we're all going to get like this, OP. Even you.

Compartmentalization is key. Deal with the immediate practical problems, and try not to think about who this person really is. Help as little or as much as you want. No one's winning any medals over this. Only you can determine what you're ready to give. But don't make the mistake of thinking that your kids won't resent you when you're old and decrepit and need their help! You're just another flawed human, and not likely to get any better.

Anonymous wrote:Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

Anonymous wrote:I’ll try to make it short. Grew up with a mentally ill mom who was low key abusive (hoarding is one example) and an enabler dad. I used to feel very bad for him as I saw him as exploited by mom, loved him and considered very smart. I think it may have been some sort of emotional incest on his part as I saw him as “one of us against the evil witch mother”.
Anyway, at 18 I saw him for what he was - a weak enabler who couldn’t protect us kids - moved out at 19, and left town altogether at 25. Mother always gatekept access to him so I didn’t talk to him much for over 2 decades.
My mother finally died a few years ago and I moved my dad closer to me. He is now 80, lives close and needs a lot of low key help like dr appointments or administering meds or cleaning so I can’t help but see him every few days.

The problem is that I can’t get over the anger I feel towards him. Apparently after my mother died I had some sort of childish hopes of reconnecting with the dad I had when I was a child, the one I adored and considered the smartest man on earth. He is a shallow, egotistic man who is afraid of everything, full of crazy conspiracy theories. Idk if I overestimated his intelligence or if he is just old, but there is nobody to reconnect with.
My sibling who helps out with money doesnt do day to day care feels the same btw.

I’ve been in therapy before and of course the issue of parents did come up but it was years ago. I don’t want to do therapy again. I am looking for similar experiences and maybe you can share your words of wisdom with me.

I don’t see him more than 30 mins per day but even that is becoming too much. I can probably have him administer the meds himself, that way I’ll see him maybe once or twice a week, but not sure it’s going to help. I am already trying to avoid any meaningful conversation but I still manage to get irritated!

Anonymous wrote:The past history is one thing, the current situation is another. Many adults find it well-nigh impossible to care for an elder, even if they had an idyllic relationship with them before, OP. Instead of blaming everything on the parental dynamics, focus on how to discharge yourself from caregiving duties.

Also, age is making your father worse than he was before. Confused people in cognitive decline tend to get caught up in weird beliefs and have reduced emotional control. He wasn't always like this. Now he is. Accept it. You will change too, for the worse. A lot of stuff you complain about regarding your parents will happen to YOU. Do you want your children to write what you just wrote?

So approach this from a practical perspective and forbear from judging, instead of torturing yourself with resentment.

Hmm. I opened this post because my mom is also mentally ill, and my dad was also an enabler, but I don't think we are in the same situation since my dad is generally a nice person, just exceedingly passive and unassertive and without the strength of character to stand up for his kids. He's pleasant enough and normal to talk to. In light of that, I've decided to put aside the past and maintain a friendly but not super close relationship with him (we do holidays, birthdays, and lunch maybe once a month, either me or my son stop in briefly once a week on the weekend to help him with some household tasks). I'm happy with this choice, but if my dad were an egotistical conspiracy theorist, I would not do this.


Thank you for sharing your experience. My dad is nice on the surface but once you get to know him better (like I did after years of barely any contact which btw he wasn’t unhappy about, or at least he never showed he wanted more of my company until he became dependent on me) he is, well, not so nice.

Anonymous wrote:You need to try to like him. You constantly are comparing him against what you knew as a child. Get over all of that nonsense, seriously. Instead of going with a hate filled heart go with a mindset of care and love. Find ways to connect right now.

Anonymous wrote:I have a codependent mother who enables my narcissistic father. I’ve been going through the grief process of accepting that she is not capable of having a healthy, functioning relationship. It’s not easy. I’ve realized that even though each parent has very different maladaptive personality disorders, both are rooted in a deep insecurity and inability to properly empathize with others. Accepting this was the first step to healing! I recommend seeking the support, love, and validation you want from your father from friends, siblings, or other people that are able to have healthy relationships.