Anonymous wrote:I also sent lunch in for all the staff today and they seemed to appreciate it! They were not concerned about what happened at all.

Perfect!

My kind, lovely mother turned into a cursing, hitting, paranoid witch in dementia. It is not always the mean people who are difficult to care for.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am hereby giving you permission to pull away and distance yourself. She is in a safe location. She is with professionals who have experience with exactly this kind of behavior. You have done what needs to be done, and you aren't obligated to do any more.

At this stage, she won't really know if you're there or not. If you are there today, she won't remember it tomorrow. If you aren't there today, she won't remember it tomorrow. For people who are determined to be miserable and mean, nothing you do will have any meaningful impact. So give yourself a break and let go. Your part in all this is over.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I also sent lunch in for all the staff today and they seemed to appreciate it! They were not concerned about what happened at all.

That is so nice of you. Honestly a good memory care staff is a gift from heaven. Their job is immensely challenging.

I also sent lunch in for all the staff today and they seemed to appreciate it! They were not concerned about what happened at all.

Thank you all for these responses. I visited her tonight and she refused to talk about it only to say that some of the staff was mean to her. She denies hurting anyone but I certainly heard the whole thing and someone was hurt by her.

Please ask the doctor to test your mom for a UTI if this is new behavior. My grandmother would get even meaner than usual when she had one. Also ask about medication--whether it's an anti-depressant, sedative, anti-anxiety, or something else...my grandmother lived in a state where the doctor could prescribe CBD and it really helped! Make it clear that even though you recognize all of these medications have side effects, especially for older people/people with dementia, you are willing to take the chance your mom's life is shorter if her remaining time can be calmer.

Mean and nasty is just one of the stages of dementia that the experts don’t put in their chart. And sometimes it comes along in different stages. My mom was horrid earlier in her dementia, became totally sweet and oblivious during the later stage and now she’s near the end and she’s back to being agitated (not really mean and nasty but aggressive and uncomfortable). One of the ladies at my mom’s memory care cusses out the caregivers daily. She’s MEAN. Another grabbed my mom’s hands, turned and scratched me, then bit and spit on a caregiver. No provocation or even warning, she just came up and attacked. Don’t be mortified by your mom’s behavior, it is what it is.

Some people stay sweet, some nasty people become sweet and some sweet people become nasty. Sometimes they’re all of these things depending on how they’re progressing. It’s a horrible disease. But it is a disease. We as caregivers need to remember that. It’s not a choice, it’s a brain disease.

Medication helps. My mom is now on low level Xanax to help her regulate her moods.

OP, I am hereby giving you permission to pull away and distance yourself. She is in a safe location. She is with professionals who have experience with exactly this kind of behavior. You have done what needs to be done, and you aren't obligated to do any more.

At this stage, she won't really know if you're there or not. If you are there today, she won't remember it tomorrow. If you aren't there today, she won't remember it tomorrow. For people who are determined to be miserable and mean, nothing you do will have any meaningful impact. So give yourself a break and let go. Your part in all this is over.

If you hate this woman, you don’t actually have to be involved in her care. Tell the facility you are no longer part of the care team and they should not call you.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I could have wrote this myself. I don't have an answer for you, but my therapist told me that most staff at such facilities understand that people who behave this extremely probably were awful to their family as well so you should not be embarrased.

Same. My dad spat in a woman’s face. I felt like I was punched in the gut when they told me.

Don't seek out sending something specific to the caretaker whose hair she pulled. The facility likely has strict policies against individuals receiving gifts. Or at least find out first. Don't put someone in an uncomfortable situation.

I know it's horrifying for you, but for anyone who has worked with people with memory care issues, these behaviors are common. Don't be embarrassed. I've been hit, scratched, spit on, bit and more by those with memory issues. It's not ok but we all understand why it happens.

Now for the part that sounds harsh and somewhat cruel. You need to prioritize yourself. Your mom's life is what it is. She's not going to get better. You have your family and your life that you need to be happy and healthy for. If being this involved in your mom's care is taking this much of a toll on you, it's ok to back off.

OP, putting your mom's prior behavior history aside, this is not unusual with dementia and big changes. She cannot adequately process information, and caregivers can seem threatening, etc. Her brain is just not working and while I know you feel terrible and horrified, this is unfortunately an aspect of the disease. So apologize and send a gift, but be sure to speak with the facility to understand what is happening, how she is being helped in the adjustment period, what meds is she on, what precipitated the hair pulling (because your mom may have a trigger) and what steps they are taking to help. Think of it like a toddler who bites at daycare. Of course you are horrified, but the issue is to try to get at the root of the behavior and see if changes can help.

My mother wasn't physically violent with staff when she first entered MC, but she was convinced they were hurting her, when they were gently touching/redirecting, and no "reasoning" will ever work. What did help was time to adjust. medications and a change of facility. I eventually pulled my mother from a facility where the staff was kind of phoning it in, they had a bad ratio of caregivers to residents, they were not education in dementia behaviors, they tended to speak VERY LOUDLY and yell/laugh a lot all of which my mother's brain interpreted as aggressive. The change has been huge. My mother is now in a very small place with very gentle, kind caregivers, and I've instructed them that she does not like to be rushed and she likes to be asked permission to be touched (yes, she has dementia but she is still an individual). She has turned from the suspicious and angry resident claiming people were abusing and terrorizing her (she accused one guy of rape, which was a really huge thing because I'm 99.9 percent sure this was hallucination but we/they had to investigate) to a very sweet, always saying "thank you" and giving/getting hugs from caregivers and being compliant and kind. (and my mom was NOT an angel before dementia). Part of it was that we found the right combination of drugs to help with her agitation, part of it was the time it took for her to adjust, and part was finding the right fit in terms of facility, size, staff training.

I know this is hard, my empathy for the situation you are in, but try to think of it as a problem to be solved and not have your feelings about your mother otherwise get in the way.

Talk to your mom’s doctor. Maybe she is having a drug reaction or needs an antidepressant.

Anonymous wrote:People can turn violent even if they were kind and loving before Alzheimer's. It's why I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio to catch the earliest signs. Then I will go out as a full human being via medical aid in dying, legal in my country for the early stages of Alzheimer's.

The only ones pretending there is some semblance of life with this illness work for the elder care industry which makes a lot of kaching-kaching from it. Follow the money, it's always about that.

This is a wonderful reference...