Anonymous wrote:You aren’t going because you have dinner reservations?

Obviously, you don’t need to go, and you can do what you like, and your BIL shouldn’t pressure you, but your reason seems to be a dinner reservation.

I can see why he is hurt.

He’s hurt because he has a personality disorder and the rest of the family accommodates it. That said, unless OP wants to go to the grave hearing about this, she needs to cancel the dinner and send her DH to Australia.

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t going because you have dinner reservations?

Obviously, you don’t need to go, and you can do what you like, and your BIL shouldn’t pressure you, but your reason seems to be a dinner reservation.

I can see why he is hurt.

This.

Your BIL sucks. But I think you need to drop the family meal and send him to Australia alone.

Anonymous wrote:I am very YOLO so the 4 weeks does not affect me in the least. If I could get tickets and was able to make it work, I'd go and I'd work hard to make it work. What it looks like to me after reading all of the posts is that your issue is not missing the dinner with your kids because it's so hard to get them together. The counter side to that is that your husband's family is probably feeling the same as you - that this is an extremely rare opportunity to get their family together. And, you don't discuss why FIL is in a care home, but there certainly are less opportunities for them than in your family's life. Given that you all are really family focused, I think you and your DH will regret not going to the wedding. And, because of that, I'd go in your shoes.

This. Four weeks notice is unreasonable, but do you not see that their reason is the same as your reason?

Stop making it about your dinner reservation, that's going to sound deranged. It's about how you so rarely have all your kids in one place, not about the restaurant.

4 weeks notice for a wedding that requires travel (especially to Australia) is insane.

That said, rearrange your plans so that (at least) DH can attend. He is in a tough spot here and you know it.

It’s obvious you don’t really like BIL much (not judging…I don’t really like either of my own BILs) but don’t let that factor in here.

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

This. The cost of flights alone, sheesh. They should have given more notice, and should reschedule if necessary.

I am very YOLO so the 4 weeks does not affect me in the least. If I could get tickets and was able to make it work, I'd go and I'd work hard to make it work. What it looks like to me after reading all of the posts is that your issue is not missing the dinner with your kids because it's so hard to get them together. The counter side to that is that your husband's family is probably feeling the same as you - that this is an extremely rare opportunity to get their family together. And, you don't discuss why FIL is in a care home, but there certainly are less opportunities for them than in your family's life. Given that you all are really family focused, I think you and your DH will regret not going to the wedding. And, because of that, I'd go in your shoes.

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

Absolutely. Your OP is dripping with condescension. You're turning 60 - yay - and a 4-week notice for Australia is bonkers. But come on. You snarked all about their pathetic twice-getting-married lives and your BIL's sheer luck at finding someone to put up with him. And a cathedral?? Horrors!

So stay home. But your DH should go, because he clearly wants go, and *streamers* Happy Birthday!!

Anonymous wrote:A month's notice to fly to Australia is bananas.

Why?

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

Yesh, where is that coming from? There is nothing unusual about getting married in a cathedral.

You husband won't attend his brother's wedding because you have a restaurant booking? Got it.

Yes, but how could you possibly enjoy the dinner knowing your husband (seemingly a generous and good person) now faces "long-held resentment" from his family because he couldn't go to the wedding? And how can he enjoy the dinner if he is eaten up with guilt?

I don't think a month's notice is a big deal. If you have family overseas things happen all the time and you drop everything and you go. NBD. It's a long flight but that's about it. It's not like you need vaccinations or special prep to go to Australia.

Think of this as special time your husband can spend with his siblings. Something that doesn't happen often I'm sure and who knows when it will happen again.

If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

Anonymous wrote:It's fine to be upset that plans change, but conflicts come up in life all the time, and in a compromise situation you need to look at the long term big picture and decide what is best for everyone.

Weddings are a big deal, even second weddings. Someone is joining your family.

Someone is joining their family . . . in Australia. That's a big detail to leave out.

Agree with the posters who say you shouldn't use the dinner plans as the reason. I wish you hadn't mentioned them and your husband had just said, unfortunately, that date doesn't work for our family.

It's fine to be upset that plans change, but conflicts come up in life all the time, and in a compromise situation you need to look at the long term big picture and decide what is best for everyone.

Weddings are a big deal, even second weddings. Someone is joining your family.