In addition to everything that has been said about therapy ... make sure the child has plenty of adult role models, ideally of both genders. They can be relatives, friends of yours, coaches or teachers or other .... but they need multiple adults in their lives. Someone they can look up to, someone they can talk to.

Mine wasn't an abusive situation, but my dad was largely absent for other reasons. Having an extended pseudo-family wad huge for my sister and me.

They need therapy. But when I sought help, our therapist said studies have shown one loving parent is enough for a child. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

I would empathize and be honest-it sucks that their other parent sucks! It’s fine for them to think that.

It’s also not uncommon, and they should know that too. It’s a bad hand some people are dealt and that’s not fair. But it’s not the need of the world either.

I was completely fine not having a relationship at all with one parent as a teen. I mean obviously there was a transition period, but I truly got over it. The hard part was having this parent reintroduced and forced back into my life in my 20s when they got back together.

Not saying I’m typical, but if a parent truly can’t be in the child’s life it is not necessarily all doom and gloom.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who also has a protective order for the kids, I agree with sticking with no contact if that is what is stated in the order. Protective orders are granted because of abuse and strong likelihood of continued and future abuse if there is contact. I have no advice to add. It is one of those things they might not understand as children and might be upset or angry about, but will understand when they are adults, and that you did your best to protect them and provide them a safe and normal childhood.

Thank you! I am sorry you are in the same situation! I am confident that no direct contact is the right choice. I am not sure why I am even bothering justifying it, because it’s not something I am conflicted about. My question is how do I help my kid who is grieving the lost relationship, not whether to re-establish an abusive relationship.

As someone who also has a protective order for the kids, I agree with sticking with no contact if that is what is stated in the order. Protective orders are granted because of abuse and strong likelihood of continued and future abuse if there is contact. I have no advice to add. It is one of those things they might not understand as children and might be upset or angry about, but will understand when they are adults, and that you did your best to protect them and provide them a safe and normal childhood.

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Anonymous wrote:This will depend so much on the individuals, the reason, the kid’s age…? Really hard to generalize.

Kid is a teen. Parent lives far away and there is a restraining order that names kid. The unsafe behavior wasn’t just targeted at me, but also at kid, although kid doesn’t remember much of it.

not even weekly or monthly via Facetime?

No, the protective order specifies zero contact.

Did you exaggerate to get the protective order? do you believe it is unsafe for the child to even have phone calls? the protective order was something you obtained so if you don’t think it is unsafe to have phone calls, this is your decision.

I did not exaggerate and I do think it is unsafe for them to have phone calls.

Both because I worry about what would be said in the call, and because he could use it in court as evidence that we don’t think it’s needed.

What do you think would be said on the call?

I expect, based on phone calls before the order, that ex will spend the entire phone call trying to get information about me, where I go, am I interacting with other men, etc . . . Which in a best case scenario leaves my kid feeling like crap because who wants to tell their dad about the baskets they scored and have Dad reply with “Did Mom come to the game? Who did she sit with in the stands? Any Dads? Did she talk to the coach? Could you hear what they said?” And in worst case scenario could lead to kid sharing info that puts us at risk, or to Dad threatening kid for refusing to share info, or for not intervening when he saw me interacting with a man.

I also worry that we will end up back in court and the fact that I allowed a violation of the PO will be used as a reason to end the PO.

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

He has been in therapy for quite a while. We recently switched providers and models.

He does know what happened, but because people stepped in to protect him, he doesn't remember it the same way.

To the person calling my ex a "monster", he's not he's a person with severe mental illness.

Ok so what more do you want? Stick with therapy. Don’t crowdsource here with these weirdos who can’t possibly relate.

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Anonymous wrote:This will depend so much on the individuals, the reason, the kid’s age…? Really hard to generalize.

Kid is a teen. Parent lives far away and there is a restraining order that names kid. The unsafe behavior wasn’t just targeted at me, but also at kid, although kid doesn’t remember much of it.

not even weekly or monthly via Facetime?

No, the protective order specifies zero contact.

Did you exaggerate to get the protective order? do you believe it is unsafe for the child to even have phone calls? the protective order was something you obtained so if you don’t think it is unsafe to have phone calls, this is your decision.

I did not exaggerate and I do think it is unsafe for them to have phone calls.

Both because I worry about what would be said in the call, and because he could use it in court as evidence that we don’t think it’s needed.

What do you think would be said on the call?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This will depend so much on the individuals, the reason, the kid’s age…? Really hard to generalize.

Kid is a teen. Parent lives far away and there is a restraining order that names kid. The unsafe behavior wasn’t just targeted at me, but also at kid, although kid doesn’t remember much of it.

not even weekly or monthly via Facetime?

No, the protective order specifies zero contact.

Did you exaggerate to get the protective order? do you believe it is unsafe for the child to even have phone calls? the protective order was something you obtained so if you don’t think it is unsafe to have phone calls, this is your decision.

Oh shut up .

Judges aren’t stupid they don’t do restraining orders like this because some exaggerated.

Courts require proof and it’s a very high bar in most states

When a judge assigns this kind of order they have done everything in their power to not remove rights from a biological parent

Not all parents deserve their rights clearly OPs dies not

You’d be surprised. Some people are willing to manipulate the courts or just play dumb about it.

OP here,

He has been in therapy for quite a while. We recently switched providers and models.

He does know what happened, but because people stepped in to protect him, he doesn't remember it the same way.

To the person calling my ex a "monster", he's not he's a person with severe mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:Definitely therapy. We have a family friend who sounds like was in similar circumstances as you. Around middle school, a lot of behaviors started to emerge that were completely tied to the abandonment he felt my dad and anger he felt towards mom for "keeping his dad away". Therapy helped a ton, as did maturing and being able to understand the situation better. She felt pretty guilty because the therapist said these issues are pretty common in circumstances like this n

Agree. Definitely a therapist for your child.

Now that they are a teen, I think it is important to be honest and talk factually about the violence and injuries and answer their questions. If your child doesn’t remember then It doesn’t make sense to them if they don’t understand the risk to their life that led to the extended no contact.

Regardless of what you tell them, when your child is 18, they may make contact just to confirm for themselves that their parent is the violent monster that you have described and that it would be unsafe to have contact.