Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:41
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Couples therapy. It will get worse when you’re postpartum - many men really struggle being a supportive partner in pregnancy and postpartum.
No, not couples therapy. Couples therapy should never be used when one party is being abusive. Instead, individual therapy for you. Pregnancy is when many men’s abusive behavior starts. They start testing boundaries - engaging small acts of disrespect or abuse. The point is to see how you react. Do you maintain the boundary or do you accept the boundary violation? This kind of abuse accomplishes two things: 1) it conditions you over time to self-censor, I.e. to do or not do things that will avoid his irritation and 2) once you are conditioned to avoid his irritation, you will stop asking him to do stuff with the baby. It will become easier for you to just do it yourself.
Individual therapy can help you communicate your needs in a productive manner, learn to regulate your emotions and to establish boundaries and react appropriately when they are violated.
It can also help you navigate this transition where you are establishing patterns of responsibility with respect to caring for the baby and household.
Hope you are not planning to SAHM. That would be extremely unwise given what your husband has revealed about himself through his behavior. You know what Toni Morrison says - “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
What part of what OP wrote indicates that her husband is "abusive?" PP, you are reading way too much Toni Morrison.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:39
Subject: Husband has become mean
he is cheating
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:26
Subject: Husband has become mean
Do you work full time? Or are these things you are doing for him your contribution to the family?
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:24
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yikes! Your husband is over you & the pregnancy.
Too bad. I do a lot for him.
It’s really not even about the snacks and the food. It’s about respect. I bust my butt to make sure he has everything he needs - clean clothes for the week, pick up his dry cleaning, packed lunches, breakfast and coffee in the morning, dinner when he gets home, any special treat he asks me to make, comes home to a peaceful home ( peace is the most important thing to him). I make sure not to ask for too much or nag him. He gets a solid 30 minutes of peace when he comes home from work. He gets as much intimacy as he wants ( I make sure to never to never say no more than twice in a row). I’m very accommodating. He can deal with my emotions for the time being until I’m normal again.
And...there it is.
You have definitely posted before.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:23
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP who's been posting about DH not doing his part or asking for dinner?
No.
Well maybe you all could create your own support group then.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:18
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yikes! Your husband is over you & the pregnancy.
Too bad. I do a lot for him.
It’s really not even about the snacks and the food. It’s about respect. I bust my butt to make sure he has everything he needs - clean clothes for the week, pick up his dry cleaning, packed lunches, breakfast and coffee in the morning, dinner when he gets home, any special treat he asks me to make, comes home to a peaceful home ( peace is the most important thing to him). I make sure not to ask for too much or nag him. He gets a solid 30 minutes of peace when he comes home from work. He gets as much intimacy as he wants ( I make sure to never to never say no more than twice in a row). I’m very accommodating. He can deal with my emotions for the time being until I’m normal again.
Sounds like you are being too accommodating and dh knows this isn't going to last when a baby needs your care 24/7. He's gotten used to you being his mother OP.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:03
Subject: Husband has become mean
OP, he doesn't like you and he is going to be unhelpful with the baby. Be prepared to leave.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 12:00
Subject: Husband has become mean
As a PP said, I too would stop doing all those little sweet things for him 1. because he doesn't seem to respond in kind 2. that won't really be sustainable when you first have a child and better to prepare him now so he won't be resentful then 3. he's a grown man who shouldn't need to be mothered. I find it's much easier for men to act like a petulant child if they feel mothered by their partner; something begins to change in terms of respect, attraction, etc.
May I ask, do you work? I only ask because it sounds similar to a situation my friend found herself in when she became a stay at home mom- the lack of consideration, minimizing another's feelings, etc.
May I ask, do you work? I only ask because it sounds similar to a situation my friend found herself in when she became a stay at home mom- the lack of consideration, minimizing another's feelings, etc.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 09:01
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yikes! Your husband is over you & the pregnancy.
Too bad. I do a lot for him.
It’s really not even about the snacks and the food. It’s about respect. I bust my butt to make sure he has everything he needs - clean clothes for the week, pick up his dry cleaning, packed lunches, breakfast and coffee in the morning, dinner when he gets home, any special treat he asks me to make, comes home to a peaceful home ( peace is the most important thing to him). I make sure not to ask for too much or nag him. He gets a solid 30 minutes of peace when he comes home from work. He gets as much intimacy as he wants ( I make sure to never to never say no more than twice in a row). I’m very accommodating. He can deal with my emotions for the time being until I’m normal again.
I would stop doing anything that benefits solely him. Like still make coffee in the morning if you also drink it, but don't do his laundry, dry cleaning, or pack his lunches. If he asks, just say you forgot! He can wear something else. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 08:59
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have both forgotten things the other has asked us to pick up from the store. It happens sometimes if we don't write it down. The dinner is something I'd be annoyed about but considering it seems like it's so unlike him, I would have chalked it up to he truly did forget.
I also don't have much tolerance for when pregnant women act extremely needy and overly emotional.
Let me guess, you're not like other pregnant women. You're a COOL pregnant woman.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 08:55
Subject: Husband has become mean
Anonymous wrote:Couples therapy. It will get worse when you’re postpartum - many men really struggle being a supportive partner in pregnancy and postpartum.
No, not couples therapy. Couples therapy should never be used when one party is being abusive. Instead, individual therapy for you. Pregnancy is when many men’s abusive behavior starts. They start testing boundaries - engaging small acts of disrespect or abuse. The point is to see how you react. Do you maintain the boundary or do you accept the boundary violation? This kind of abuse accomplishes two things: 1) it conditions you over time to self-censor, I.e. to do or not do things that will avoid his irritation and 2) once you are conditioned to avoid his irritation, you will stop asking him to do stuff with the baby. It will become easier for you to just do it yourself.
Individual therapy can help you communicate your needs in a productive manner, learn to regulate your emotions and to establish boundaries and react appropriately when they are violated.
It can also help you navigate this transition where you are establishing patterns of responsibility with respect to caring for the baby and household.
Hope you are not planning to SAHM. That would be extremely unwise given what your husband has revealed about himself through his behavior. You know what Toni Morrison says - “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Anonymous
07/21/2025 08:33
Subject: Husband has become mean
Couples therapy. It will get worse when you’re postpartum - many men really struggle being a supportive partner in pregnancy and postpartum.
Anonymous
07/21/2025 08:19
Subject: Re:Husband has become mean
Wow it sounds like your husband “forgetting” stuff is likely passive/aggressive behavior.
He feels like you are asking too much of him & feels put out.
Can you ask yourself objectively if you have been asking him for things a lot more since you have been expecting?
Not that you wouldn’t be entitled to…..after all….YOU are the one carrying the child.
If you are not being unreasonable in your requests for him - then he needs to get over himself.
Because once the new baby arrives he will be expected to step up a lot more. 👶🏼
He feels like you are asking too much of him & feels put out.
Can you ask yourself objectively if you have been asking him for things a lot more since you have been expecting?
Not that you wouldn’t be entitled to…..after all….YOU are the one carrying the child.
If you are not being unreasonable in your requests for him - then he needs to get over himself.
Because once the new baby arrives he will be expected to step up a lot more. 👶🏼
Anonymous
07/20/2025 16:46
Subject: Husband has become mean
Hasn't this been posted before? I remember a similar whiny poster whose husband kept forgetting things.
Anonymous
07/20/2025 16:45
Subject: Husband has become mean
Sounds like he's only forgetting food you want. Maybe he thinks you're fat and so he's being passive-aggressive in "forgetting."