Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 19:59     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:Can someone please recommend how to overcome addiction to an addict? I became deeply emotionally attached to a man in the work environment, not knowing about his addiction to alcohol and drugs. Now that I know about that, both my therapist and my boss told me to stay away from that man because they wouldn’t touch him with a ten feet pole.
I’m staying away but it hurts like hell. I’m shaking and crying and can’t function normally.


As an alcoholic myself, you sound incredibly unhealthy yourself. I was never such a hot mess in the throes of my addiction. Get yourself together before you date anyone.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 19:58     Subject: Re:Can addicts change?
"Someone who has taken the time to unpack and address their addiction(s) is a much safer bet than someone who hasn't acknowledged they have one, or won't. Take it slow and have an exit strategy and "hard boundary" (i.e. if they start drinking again, I'm out), which is good advice for any relationship."

I was married to someone with deep childhood trauma who never acknowledged the trauma and never addressed it/came to terms with it. The refusal to be self-reflective made him incapable of forming a real connection. I'd be with someone who is willing to delve into their past to understand their impulsive behaviors and who does the active ongoing work to overcome the addictions that result from the trauma. I'd need to see that their sobriety had held for at least a few years.

I feel that most people have something that makes them do crazy things. It's just that some of us will admit it about ourselves.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 19:53     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:If you're both crazy, may as well be crazy together. A mentally healthy person won't want your drama.

PP here. I don’t disagree but he is way crazier and has no emotional capacity for me in his life, as he prioritizes a lot of other things even over himself.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 19:44     Subject: Can addicts change?
If you're both crazy, may as well be crazy together. A mentally healthy person won't want your drama.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 18:02     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can someone please recommend how to overcome addiction to an addict? I became deeply emotionally attached to a man in the work environment, not knowing about his addiction to alcohol and drugs. Now that I know about that, both my therapist and my boss told me to stay away from that man because they wouldn’t touch him with a ten feet pole.
I’m staying away but it hurts like hell. I’m shaking and crying and can’t function normally.


Look up recovery programs for co-dependency and maybe try a program like al-anon to help you process your relationship to the addict and why you'd want to stay with someone who wasn't good to or for you.

I deeply attached to him before knowing about his addictions. Now I agree that he isn’t good for me and has cut the contact - and this is what hurts so much! I feel so bonded with him emotionally.


This feeling happens with every breakup. This is the feeling you have when you have to leave your baby to go to work. Or when you find out that your mom is going to die.
This kind of pain is part of life.


I haven’t felt this with my babies or mother (she passed away a few years ago). This man feels like a part of myself that I had to cut off with a knife. He is the first person in my life that I have felt emotionally close to.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:56     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can someone please recommend how to overcome addiction to an addict? I became deeply emotionally attached to a man in the work environment, not knowing about his addiction to alcohol and drugs. Now that I know about that, both my therapist and my boss told me to stay away from that man because they wouldn’t touch him with a ten feet pole.
I’m staying away but it hurts like hell. I’m shaking and crying and can’t function normally.


Look up recovery programs for co-dependency and maybe try a program like al-anon to help you process your relationship to the addict and why you'd want to stay with someone who wasn't good to or for you.

I deeply attached to him before knowing about his addictions. Now I agree that he isn’t good for me and has cut the contact - and this is what hurts so much! I feel so bonded with him emotionally.


This feeling happens with every breakup. This is the feeling you have when you have to leave your baby to go to work. Or when you find out that your mom is going to die.
This kind of pain is part of life.

Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:50     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can someone please recommend how to overcome addiction to an addict? I became deeply emotionally attached to a man in the work environment, not knowing about his addiction to alcohol and drugs. Now that I know about that, both my therapist and my boss told me to stay away from that man because they wouldn’t touch him with a ten feet pole.
I’m staying away but it hurts like hell. I’m shaking and crying and can’t function normally.


Look up recovery programs for co-dependency and maybe try a program like al-anon to help you process your relationship to the addict and why you'd want to stay with someone who wasn't good to or for you.

I deeply attached to him before knowing about his addictions. Now I agree that he isn’t good for me and has cut the contact - and this is what hurts so much! I feel so bonded with him emotionally.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:35     Subject: Can addicts change?
I’m married to an addict who will have 13 years in recovery this September. I would say that it’s like any other relapsing, remitting kind of illness like MS or lupus. It doesn’t take over your day to day life, but it’s always kind of in the back of your mind.

If you are going to be with an addict, you have to have good boundaries, realize that their illness isn’t your fault, and know that they might die from this, and, again, that isn’t your fault.

A good friend of ours that DH knew from AA and that I knew from church and our kids school just died from an overdose a few weeks ago. He had been sober 14 years and no one knew he had relapsed. He was a great man with a dynamic personality who really did wonderful things for the recovery community, particularly those who were homeless or with small children, in the time he was sober. 3,000 people came to his funeral and more watched over a livestream from the church.

I doubt that his wife regretted marrying him, even though his addiction took him much too soon.

Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:29     Subject: Re:Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:Drugs, maybe. Sex, no.


I would say the opposite. Drugs become physically addictive. Sex addiction is a psychological malady.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:23     Subject: Re:Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Frankly I think everyone could use some 12 step work. My ex is not in any program, walking around out there with no tools for living. Initially presents as a calm, reasonable, thoughtful person. I think it all comes down to how much you know about yourself, and what you value in another person. There are people with long term sobriety who don't have great sobriety. There are people with far less time who have done and continue to do a lot of work. I guess I'm saying any relationship is a gamble. I would steer clear of someone who has a history of relapsing but otherwise, sure. If you didn't know he was an addict would you know he was an addict?


Agreed. I'd date a recovered addict over a person who claimed they had no addictions. I wouldn't date someone new to recovery; there's a reason it's suggested people not date or start new relationships in the first year, but someone with several years clean? Sure.


This. My sister was an addict and is now a social worker and addiction's counselor. She put in an unbelievable amount of work and self-reflection to learn how to live fully as a sober person and not just a sober addict. My cousin got sober but did not put in the work, and he's still the same selfish, unreliable addict he ever was, just without the alcohol (probably, who really knows?). Someone who's been sober from substance abuse for a number of years and has been actively working on their sobriety for all of those years would be okay in my book, but someone newly sober needs to be on their own to do the hard internal work to overcome those addictive thought processes and is just not at a place in their lives for a new relationship. And a sex addiction would make me really nervous, particularly if the sex addiction came after the substance abuse or was a recent active addiction. I'm not saying never, just that I would be very, very careful with an addiction like that.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:20     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:I have a work colleague (same industry, different companies) who is also one of my best friends. He’s always been there for me and helps me out anytime I need it.

I never considered him a romantic partner because he’s an addict (both drugs and sex). He’s been sober for years and sees a therapist to help with the sex addiction. He’s very open about it and I can tell has put in a TON of work to improve.

The other day I called him about a work problem and started to have a panic attack. He calmed me down, got me breathing, and we worked through the panic attack and the problem.

I’ve never had a man who did that before - who would literally sit there with me for 15 minutes walking me through breathing exercises - the small handful of times I did have a panic attack around a man they’d get uncomfortable and leave or give me a few awkward pats on the back.

I know this guy has been interested in me for some time and this is the first time I’ve really seen him as a potential partner. But, the addiction thing really scares me. I don’t think he would do drugs ever again, but the sex addiction seems like it could cause huge problems. But I also recognize he is very serious about fixing it.

Can addicts ever really change?


All people can change. And honestly? Most people are addicts. Don't believe me? Log out of all your social media and stay off DCUM for 6 months. Can't or won't? Congrats: you're an addict.

Human brains are incredibly susceptible to addictions. Our culture only penalizes certain addictions. Gambling addicts, drug/alcohol users, compulsive shoppers/hoarders all have a negative reputation, but workaholics, compulsive gym-goers, tech "geniuses" (most of whom are narcissists and addicted to attention) get a pass.

Someone who has taken the time to unpack and address their addiction(s) is a much safer bet than someone who hasn't acknowledged they have one, or won't. Take it slow and have an exit strategy and "hard boundary" (i.e. if they start drinking again, I'm out), which is good advice for any relationship.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:16     Subject: Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:Can someone please recommend how to overcome addiction to an addict? I became deeply emotionally attached to a man in the work environment, not knowing about his addiction to alcohol and drugs. Now that I know about that, both my therapist and my boss told me to stay away from that man because they wouldn’t touch him with a ten feet pole.
I’m staying away but it hurts like hell. I’m shaking and crying and can’t function normally.


Look up recovery programs for co-dependency and maybe try a program like al-anon to help you process your relationship to the addict and why you'd want to stay with someone who wasn't good to or for you.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:14     Subject: Re:Can addicts change?
Anonymous wrote:Frankly I think everyone could use some 12 step work. My ex is not in any program, walking around out there with no tools for living. Initially presents as a calm, reasonable, thoughtful person. I think it all comes down to how much you know about yourself, and what you value in another person. There are people with long term sobriety who don't have great sobriety. There are people with far less time who have done and continue to do a lot of work. I guess I'm saying any relationship is a gamble. I would steer clear of someone who has a history of relapsing but otherwise, sure. If you didn't know he was an addict would you know he was an addict?


Agreed. I'd date a recovered addict over a person who claimed they had no addictions. I wouldn't date someone new to recovery; there's a reason it's suggested people not date or start new relationships in the first year, but someone with several years clean? Sure.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 17:06     Subject: Can addicts change?
Can someone please recommend how to overcome addiction to an addict? I became deeply emotionally attached to a man in the work environment, not knowing about his addiction to alcohol and drugs. Now that I know about that, both my therapist and my boss told me to stay away from that man because they wouldn’t touch him with a ten feet pole.
I’m staying away but it hurts like hell. I’m shaking and crying and can’t function normally.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2025 16:23     Subject: Can addicts change?
They can change their behavior. They probably can't change their cravings or personalities. I have known multiple reformed addicts: one heroin, one alcohol, one sex. They all lived sober and worked a program (AA, NA, and CoDA). I liked them all well enough but would never be in a romantic relationship with any of them. I also know a reformed drug dealer who turned into an amazing person but he had not ever been an addict.