Anonymous wrote:Don't take it personally. Between age and grief, she will not be a reasonable person right now. Just be kind and forgiving, and keep your joys and plans to yourself. She can't be happy for others right now.

Anonymous wrote:FIL passes away last year. He and MIL were avid world travelers and have always taken 2 international trips and multiple domestic trips for the last 15 years of their lives.

She has been feeling depressed lately so husband and I booked a family vacation to intl destination and invited her to join. We pulled out all of the stops making sure to accommodate her limitations (food, energy level, need for luxury accommodations, etc). She spent the entire trip complaining about everything (our 2 kids and how they won’t play the card game she specifically wants to play, how she wishes we got the presidential suite instead of the executive suite, how we wake up too early, you name it).

During the trip, we mentioned that we are planning another vacation with my parents and brother’s family due to my mom’s milestone birthday this year and she flipped out. She created a scene at the restaurant we were in when she learned this. She told DH that she is extremely hurt that we would celebrate my mom’s birthday in the year before my FIL’s 1 year death anniversary. She raged at him about how lonely she is and how hurt she is. She stomped out of the restaurant, almost knocking out a plate from the waiter and refused to speak with us for the rest of the trip.

Since then, she called my mom and told her how disappointed she is with our family trip and how disrespectful it is. My parents feel really bad that it’s caused so much distress in our family and it has soured everyone’s mood.

Any thoughts on how DH and I should address?

Anonymous wrote:Any adult, grieving or not, should eventually apologize when they throw a tantrum like you describe. Or develop some self awareness later when they realize how ungrateful they must have seemed when she complained non-stop about a vacation you planned and paid for. Somehow old "moms" are often excused from these adult norms. I hope I never do that to my grown children. Oh, and her contacting OP's parents is way out of bounds. Honestly, how dare she? I would not stay silent on that.

Anonymous wrote:Ignore and continue your plans for your trip. Obviously MIL is grieving but life is for the living. If she rages, hand up the phone or leave.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FIL was 84 and and eventhough it’s been 10 months, I don’t think DH has fully processed it as all of my inlaws’ affairs (MIL is well off but financial illiterate) have fallen to him as we live locally and other siblings have a troubled relationship with her and live a 1-2 hr plane ride away.

He has also been slammed at work due to geo-political changes. He has been working 12-14 h days, 6 days a week and I suspect that is also being used as a coping mechanism so that he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

I had told him he could skip out of our family vacation to celebrate the milestone birthday but he insisted he wanted to join (not only because he gets along well with my parents and brother) but also because he said he really needs a mental break. He explained this to her when she started freaking out but she called him inconsiderate and selfish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FIL was 84 and and eventhough it’s been 10 months, I don’t think DH has fully processed it as all of my inlaws’ affairs (MIL is well off but financial illiterate) have fallen to him as we live locally and other siblings have a troubled relationship with her and live a 1-2 hr plane ride away.

He has also been slammed at work due to geo-political changes. He has been working 12-14 h days, 6 days a week and I suspect that is also being used as a coping mechanism so that he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

I had told him he could skip out of our family vacation to celebrate the milestone birthday but he insisted he wanted to join (not only because he gets along well with my parents and brother) but also because he said he really needs a mental break. He explained this to her when she started freaking out but she called him inconsiderate and selfish.

NoW whY Do yOu thINk tHaT iS?


She's a nutjob but FIL was covering for her so maybe you didn't see it. She always was. It's not going to get better. Time to distance yourself like the reasonable siblings.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I will never believe that grief makes a normally calm and rational person act this way. The people who act out in public are already predisposed to emotional dysregulation, so anything can become a trigger.

I would tell her off and never invite her to anything ever again.

Anonymous wrote:Ignore and continue your plans for your trip. Obviously MIL is grieving but life is for the living. If she rages, hand up the phone or leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FIL was 84 and and eventhough it’s been 10 months, I don’t think DH has fully processed it as all of my inlaws’ affairs (MIL is well off but financial illiterate) have fallen to him as we live locally and other siblings have a troubled relationship with her and live a 1-2 hr plane ride away.

He has also been slammed at work due to geo-political changes. He has been working 12-14 h days, 6 days a week and I suspect that is also being used as a coping mechanism so that he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

I had told him he could skip out of our family vacation to celebrate the milestone birthday but he insisted he wanted to join (not only because he gets along well with my parents and brother) but also because he said he really needs a mental break. He explained this to her when she started freaking out but she called him inconsiderate and selfish.

NoW whY Do yOu thINk tHaT iS?


She's a nutjob but FIL was covering for her so maybe you didn't see it. She always was. It's not going to get better. Time to distance yourself like the reasonable siblings.