I hear you, OP. I agree with the posters who have said that while they might have brought a gift, the most important thing is how she conducts herself as a guest. I have had friends of my kids who have brought me beautiful gifts and who look at their phones when talking. I would MUCH prefer a guest who makes eye contact or at least doesn't look at the phone then one who brings me a fabulous plant.

Anonymous wrote:OP update: I mentioned a day after she came home and very gently that i had a 1 800 Flowers code if she wanted to send them flowers.

She came to me for help in sending. So all’s well that ends well. And she learned a kesson about being a thoughtful guest.

I mean lesson. And she came up with the thank you message.

OP update: I mentioned a day after she came home and very gently that i had a 1 800 Flowers code if she wanted to send them flowers.

She came to me for help in sending. So all’s well that ends well. And she learned a kesson about being a thoughtful guest.

I feel you OP.

Many things I try to get my 20 something daughter to do (because I think they are polite), she characterizes as old fashioned/not necessary.

For example, using your iPhone at the table and/or when someone is talking to you.

Either this generation will learn, or they will live in a way that strikes us as uncouth.

Your belief is outdated, OP. Young folks aren’t as hung up on “things” as your generation. It’s ok for customs to change.

Anonymous wrote:She's in college and going to her own college friend's house? Then she's on her own. She can do whatever she wants and it won't reflect on you because you'll never meet them.

Has nothing to do w meeting the parents. I want my daughter to be appreciative and have good manners. I know there are other ways to be a good guest. But I have it ingrained in me never to arrive at someone’s home empty handed. And I feel bad that she doesn’t share this belief. Not the end of the world. I was just wondering if people felt the same as I do. They don’t have to feel that way.

She's in college and going to her own college friend's house? Then she's on her own. She can do whatever she wants and it won't reflect on you because you'll never meet them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh w her about it and say yes, I am old fashioned and just do it for me…bring a nice consumable

She said I got irate. Maybe I did. It is the way I was raised. I wouldn’t think twice. I would definitely bring a gift. Maybe I should have bought. We have a great cake at a local bakery, but she didn’t want to drag on train.

Well becoming irate about what constitutes good manners is kind of ..... ironic. I do agree with you in spirit though. She should at the very least send a thank you note after. You can't make someone behave well at her age. That ship has sailed.

Anonymous wrote:Had argument w DD about bringing gift to college friend’s house this weekend. I think it’s ill-mannered and rude not to bring something. She thinks it’s just my opinion. I feel I didn’t pass on values well enough.

I think this is more about a custom than values. And the custom may be changing or different for different generations or cultures.

I'm actually a boomer and I have very mixed feelings about receiving hostess gifts mostly because I don't need more stuff and don't like clutter. Food is worse because it may be something I end up feeling obligated to eat ever though I don't want to. Things can at least be donated or given away later. For me the best hostess gift is a small bouquet of flowers from the guest's garden presented in an old jelly jar or similar. That I will put next to my kitchen sink and be happy about it for a week.

I never express any of these opinions IRL but it is what I really think.

The best guests are those that are cheerful and happy to be there, interested and interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh w her about it and say yes, I am old fashioned and just do it for me…bring a nice consumable

She said I got irate. Maybe I did. It is the way I was raised. I wouldn’t think twice. I would definitely bring a gift. Maybe I should have bought. We have a great cake at a local bakery, but she didn’t want to drag on train.

The way I was raised, is if you have a difference of opinion with someone, you don’t become “irate” over it. I think it’s far more important for an adult to be able to control their temper than for an adult to bring host and hostess gifts.

I don’t think I was really irate imo. But anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. When she stayed at roommate’s house during LA fires (they were away) I sent thank you flowers. I had met them a couple of times. They drove us to game, so I felt I could do it.

“They drove us to game”? Perhaps you should be more concerned about your lack of writing skills rather than whether your grown adult daughter thinks and behaves exactly the way you’d prefer.

NP and wow! OP is asking a legitimate question, and everyone is jumping all over her.

FWIW, I think something small is nice, but I can't remember if I did this when I was in college. I was always polite and offered to help in kitchen etc, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh w her about it and say yes, I am old fashioned and just do it for me…bring a nice consumable

She said I got irate. Maybe I did. It is the way I was raised. I wouldn’t think twice. I would definitely bring a gift. Maybe I should have bought. We have a great cake at a local bakery, but she didn’t want to drag on train.

The way I was raised, is if you have a difference of opinion with someone, you don’t become “irate” over it. I think it’s far more important for an adult to be able to control their temper than for an adult to bring host and hostess gifts.

I don’t think I was really irate imo. But anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. When she stayed at roommate’s house during LA fires (they were away) I sent thank you flowers. I had met them a couple of times. They drove us to game, so I felt I could do it.

“They drove us to game”? Perhaps you should be more concerned about your lack of writing skills rather than whether your grown adult daughter thinks and behaves exactly the way you’d prefer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh w her about it and say yes, I am old fashioned and just do it for me…bring a nice consumable

She said I got irate. Maybe I did. It is the way I was raised. I wouldn’t think twice. I would definitely bring a gift. Maybe I should have bought. We have a great cake at a local bakery, but she didn’t want to drag on train.

The way I was raised, is if you have a difference of opinion with someone, you don’t become “irate” over it. I think it’s far more important for an adult to be able to control their temper than for an adult to bring host and hostess gifts.

I don’t think I was really irate imo. But anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. When she stayed at roommate’s house during LA fires (they were away) I sent thank you flowers. I had met them a couple of times. They drove us to game, so I felt I could do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh w her about it and say yes, I am old fashioned and just do it for me…bring a nice consumable

She said I got irate. Maybe I did. It is the way I was raised. I wouldn’t think twice. I would definitely bring a gift. Maybe I should have bought. We have a great cake at a local bakery, but she didn’t want to drag on train.

The way I was raised, is if you have a difference of opinion with someone, you don’t become “irate” over it. I think it’s far more important for an adult to be able to control their temper than for an adult to bring host and hostess gifts.

Host and hostess gifts are nice, but not required. Especially if you are coming over for something casual vs. for a dinner party or an overnight visit.

I’d be more worried about someone’s “values” if they felt the need to grouse and gossip about their “ill-mannered” daughter online. That’s pretty immature. And petty. And unkind.

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to send something afterwards too, with a note. Flowers etc.

This would be fine.

The only time I did this, a friend arranged for me to stay with his parents for a week until internship housing was available.

While living there, I heard the mother complain that they didn't have convenient casual drinking glasses. So, as a thank you, as I was ending my stay, I ran out and bought a small set of nice quality drinkware. She was delighted.

I think thank you notes are very impressive to Gen X and older.

A cake would have been risky to transport and people have all kinds of dietary issues these days. I wouldn't have done that either.