Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

This all seems bizarre to me and would seem to highlight one’s social awkwardness.

OP here. I get this is helpful to engage. But I think my daughter wants things to not be so "set up" or "contrived." She wants to be able to bring up topics naturally. So she wants to know why she has difficulty with this when other girls don't.

I think the best advice is to ask people questions about themselves and pay attention to the answers. That’s how you learn about their background and their likes and dislikes. From there, you can initiate further conversation about things they’ve already mentioned. Then you can chime in with your own relevant personal experience or opinion.

This honestly works so well. I wasn’t consciously doing it until I had some things I was trying to avoid talking about recently. To avoid them asking me about things, I asked a few more questions than I would have. People love talking about themselves and then you don’t have to say much but they go away feeling like it was a great conversation.

I’ve always been like this! Not everything is a phase and she just may be more reserved socially. Over the years I’ve had common small talk questions I’ve brought up. I certainly don’t think of three every morning but I have easy go tos for certain situations.

Not everyone is a social leader. Introversion is not a mental illness. It’s okay to be a follower. Some of my best friendships are with very outgoing people I can feed off of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

This all seems bizarre to me and would seem to highlight one’s social awkwardness.

OP here. I get this is helpful to engage. But I think my daughter wants things to not be so "set up" or "contrived." She wants to be able to bring up topics naturally. So she wants to know why she has difficulty with this when other girls don't.

I think the best advice is to ask people questions about themselves and pay attention to the answers. That’s how you learn about their background and their likes and dislikes. From there, you can initiate further conversation about things they’ve already mentioned. Then you can chime in with your own relevant personal experience or opinion.

My youngest was like this until mid freshman year of high school . She has inattentive adhd but the only reason I mention that is that it tends to go along with a bit of a maturity lag. Maturity lags can happen just bc they develop at different paces at this age. She is a summer birthday, adhd and didn’t get her period until almost 15. She had a few close friends that she’d had forever - and was a good friend and without real social issues but couldn’t seem to make new friends. She liked to be busy so she was in several activities. People seemed to like her - she’s pretty and knows how to dress/act but it was sometimes hard to watch her in groups without one of her 3 good friends, bc she always held herself back, and looked out of place. I thought it was just her.

Well she finally got her period this spring - and her social life has exploded. Suddenly she seems to have no problem jumping in, inviting school friends over, activities like dance classes she suddenly had friends she wanted to hang with from there…it was like a switch.

Nothing wrong. Just a lag. My best advice is leave it alone and let it play out.

Sending you lots of empathy. Being empathetic with your child is helpful. As I told my DD, "Show me the person who wants to go back to middle school because it was so great. I have yet to find him or her." We have a good laugh about how hard and awkward the middle school years can be, especially when things happen at school to others she knows and we talk about why her peers may have responded as they did. Most of the time it is because they felt awkward or self-conscious. I found creating a few routines where we regularly bond, ie walk for boba, go to Target, watching a weekly show together and encouraging her to try a host of activities helped. The teen years are about trying out different groups and finding your people. Maybe she hasn't found her people yet. As long as she isn't afraid of trying new activities or having new experiences I would not be too worried.

Awkward age.
Don't overthink it.
You are obsessing OP. Just look at how much you wrote. Chillax and go spend some time with your kiddo and not obsess so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most helpful social tips I was given was from my older cousin's then-boyfriend (now husband) who told me each morning while getting ready, come up with three different things to discuss with random people.

So like, today it would be:
1. Diddy guilt on two counts
2. The gov't built a huge holding pen in like two weeks, but why can't we built for homeless people?
3. My oven is broken and I'm trying to cook around it (then talk about things that can be cooked without an oven).

So for a kid it could be:
1. Diddy - same topic
2. What camps are you going to this summer?
3. Did you get any of the TJ's mini tote bags? What color? (then they can talk about which colors they want, who has, who'd be willing to switch, etc.).
4. Ginny & Georgia

This all seems bizarre to me and would seem to highlight one’s social awkwardness.

OP here. I get this is helpful to engage. But I think my daughter wants things to not be so "set up" or "contrived." She wants to be able to bring up topics naturally. So she wants to know why she has difficulty with this when other girls don't.

Point out to her that she has NO IDEA how much other girls are stressing about this, getting help from their moms, running through things to say in their heads, practicing in the mirror, etc. I got good at small talk by learning to chat with my hairdressers. They are experts at it.

Very typical for that age. They're ridiculously afraid of misteps. Let it be!