I am terrible at a poker face.

I am a fed and I have truly horrific new boss. Hes condescending, misogynistic, and eager to implement changes that harm the public we are supposed to serve. He is not an appointee of this administration, a career guy who sees toadying as means to realize his ambition. I am surprised at my ability to "get along" with him and be friendly and upbeat despite the fact that I loathe every interaction with him.

Anonymous wrote:Think of it as your kid "can't" rather than "won't." They CAN"T get themselves to stop and go clean their room/change clothes/get better grades. They need your help - and telling them to do it is not the help they need.

I mean…this is applicable to little kids, but at some point they can it’s very much that they just won’t. And this often happened when they are parented with inconsistencies. Being a consistent parent is so hard, but that’s when you get kids who understand that when you say X it’s time to do Y.

Let’s say you want to leave the park to go home. You give them a 10 minute warning, then a 5 minute warning, then a 1 minute warning. 4 times this worked and the kid left when you wanted them to. The 5th time the kid decided they wanted to slide three more times past the time to go and you reluctantly let them…then they just learned that your word is flexible. And that’s fine if you have the room to be flexible, of course, but then time #6 you are going to be late for something and suddenly you’re angry at them. You’re angry because you’ve lost control. And you’ve lost control because you changed the expectations and the boundaries and your kid knows that. Some kids still comply, but not all.

So op—it’s not about poker face when parenting. It’s about maintaining control over your anger and being in control over the situation will help you control your anger. You don’t have to pick a battle with everything, but see when your current triggers are and pick those battles and WIN them. Be clear with your expectations and follow through. Don’t let the little ones negotiate. Once you do—you’ve lost the control. No need to yell or scream, but be clear and consistent.

It is "BAIT"
not BATE

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was good at having a poker face through situations but with my kids I can’t contain myself. I take the bait and blow up if they don’t listen to my third request to change, get better grades, clean up, etc.

I’ve learned to get through work situations with a fake smile, etc. - as long as the situation is not for a long period of time.

How did you master it? How often do you have to do? I think my temper ( in the family) gets in the way, I hate to be “wronged.”

It is BAIT

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the score keeper, blow up at being “wronged” type. But I don’t get it because his blow ups 99.9% of the time make things worse for everyone including him. It’s not strategic at all.

My husband is that way too. It has led to 100% of the drama and tension in the family. As soon as he feels "wronged", someone else has to pay, and dearly, even if the trigger was initially of his making.

People like this are emotionally stunted, and sometimes on the spectrum. My husband is on the spectrum.

Please work on yourself to not be like this, OP. It can poison a family's dynamics. Go to therapy if you have to. No one is trying to wrong you. That's the first lesson. My husband took a very long time to come to grips that no one was out to get him, and that neither the kids nor I were deliberately riling him up.

Think of it as your kid "can't" rather than "won't." They CAN"T get themselves to stop and go clean their room/change clothes/get better grades. They need your help - and telling them to do it is not the help they need.