Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

Grandma was part of the ME generation and it's so visible whether it's the grandparents who want to spend their whole time just traveling around and not being with family or grandparents who insist on everything their way. Why can't grandma figure out a good time to see her family?

In other cultures grandmas are not putting themselves first. The whole support goes to younger generation, and the life revolves around children, because they are the future. Somehow here grandma is number 1 and who cares about anyone else. This idea that we should dance around the old generation on the account of everybody else is completely foreign to the rest of the world. I'm saying this as an immigrant. The eff grandma culture is the logical outcome of grandmas not willing to give up the reins.

That's exactly what it is. Not giving up the reins. So used to being the main character. No interest in being the supporting character. In international homes grandma might live near or with the family but they are just always at home. No one is planning around them unless grandma or grandpa is sick.

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

In other cultures grandmas are not putting themselves first. The whole support goes to younger generation, and the life revolves around children, because they are the future. Somehow here grandma is number 1 and who cares about anyone else. This idea that we should dance around the old generation on the account of everybody else is completely foreign to the rest of the world. I'm saying this as an immigrant. The eff grandma culture is the logical outcome of grandmas not willing to give up the reins.

P.S. Sorry, response was to the above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

Grandma was part of the ME generation and it's so visible whether it's the grandparents who want to spend their whole time just traveling around and not being with family or grandparents who insist on everything their way. Why can't grandma figure out a good time to see her family?

In other cultures grandmas are not putting themselves first. The whole support goes to younger generation, and the life revolves around children, because they are the future. Somehow here grandma is number 1 and who cares about anyone else. This idea that we should dance around the old generation on the account of everybody else is completely foreign to the rest of the world. I'm saying this as an immigrant. The eff grandma culture is the logical outcome of grandmas not willing to give up the reins.

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

Grandma was part of the ME generation and it's so visible whether it's the grandparents who want to spend their whole time just traveling around and not being with family or grandparents who insist on everything their way. Why can't grandma figure out a good time to see her family?

Anonymous wrote:Sorry mom I’m teaching my daughter to be selfish and abandon family relationships because she’s mature now. She will see you in heaven.

Yep, the alternative is "DD, I don't want you to have normal experiences or the social skills that will make you thrive as an adult. I strongly feel that you should dedicate your time to helping the dying elderly until they die, and you don't have the freedom to be upset by it. It's our way - screw what is normal in the country you are growing up in. Instead you must live with our old country's norms as an outsider in this foreign land."

Right? I'm sire your DD will love that messaging.

I think OP is saying that DD will do a lunch or manicure or museum, but grandma isn't happy with that. Grandma wants a whole day of grandma babysitting and being in charge.

Sadly, OP, I don't know how you do anything you aren't already doing. Keep offering things, but help your DD reinforce whatever her time constraints are. "Thanks so much for meeting me at the museum, Grandma! I had a great time with you. Now I have to go work at the snack bar/babysit for the Joneses/go to the pool for Larla's birthday party. I'll see you again next weekend!" Or whatever.

My mom gets similarly annoyed when the grandkids can't attend things, but she blames it on sports. (As in "who the heck plays lacrosse on a Sunday morning?! What do you mean you have to swim every day except Tuesdays? We are eating dinner without you because you have to go to basketball practice -- can't you skip it?!) My sister and I just ignored her and let the kids keep on keeping on. They make time for the grandparents, but not at the expense of their other commitments. Mom is not happy, but she also choses not to attend hockey games, swim meets or basketball tournaments.

All of that said, my mom and my DD have bonded over manicures. They have a lovely time getting their nails done. Maybe that would give them a standing date together?

Maybe you can also guide grandma towards activities that your teen might enjoy. Lunch out or manicures together.

Some teens are into crafts like knitting, is that something they could do together? Or pick a fun movie they might both like. Classic board games like Yahtzee with a bowl of popcorn. Maybe a breezy chick flick. Basically see if you can help bridge that gap with some activities that work for both and encourage more than just sitting and talking if that doesn’t work for them.

Help grandma transition to a relationship with a person she loves that is growing up. At the same time continue to emphasize to your teen the importance of love and family and time spent.

Your DD is nearing adulthood. That means handling relationships. Adults have relationships with other adults. And the practice starts now. Will there be hurt feelings? Yes. Will they adjust and find a way forward? Most likely. This is now a relationship between them.

Neither likely needs to be protected as much as you think, Op. Your Mom has lived a long life. With many people getting along with her or not getting along with her to various degrees. Your DD is her own person. You can no longer assume you can anticipate who she's fond of or the why.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother did this to our two kids.
Blamed my husband and I.

We in turn shared w our kids to at very least text- call - visit at least once a month. Still not enough.

Super suffocating and fake as my mother was a horrible parent

I similarly didn’t have the best parents growing up and didn’t/don’t have the best relationship with my parents, so it’s not hard for me to understand why my kids aren’t super close with them, either. Why would I force my kids to spend time with someone I don’t even like spending time with? Just because someone is blood, doesn’t immediate make them a quality person.

Absolutely agree.

"This is the time DD has allocated to spend with you". "I'd that's not what you'd like, that unfortunate but I'm not going to go between the two of you".

Some women never let go of the childhood vision of their child/grandchild, because they're unable to handle adult-adult relationships. How was she with you? My mom has always only liked little children, when they listen to you and look up to you. Once kids grow up and become teens and up, she cannot handle that as people start having their own opinions and push back. She couldn't with me and she cannot with her grandchildren. There's nothing you can do. She's still telling me how "nice" I was when I was 8! Well, that was "only" 50 years ago!

Anonymous wrote:Just let her express disappointment. I do. I don't defend teen or change plans. Just let it be.

This. When she has whatever feeling, act like she said she misses DD’s childhood years.

“I miss those years in some ways, too. But she is growing up whether we like it or not! Are we still on for dinner on Saturday?”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

Why are you starting from the premise that you can manage her feelings? She is in charge of managing her feelings. You can't make her understand anything or feel anything. You can be polite while saying DD can go to the museum 4-6, would you like to do that?

Is your mom healthy enough for outings? Can you plan for the 3 of you to go to lunch or to get your nails done or to see a E would be more enjoyable than your DD needing to spend hours just visiting.

Remind your mother that for international families like ours, grandparents practically never see their grandkids - they live in our home country, we can't return every year and when we do, it's for a week or two. She's already very lucky that she got to spend that much time with your kid for all these years of her childhood!!!