Please consider medicating your child. Also take a parenting class geared to parenting kids with ADHD.

Create a bedtime routine to help with the pajamas. They are still young so don’t despair. Even lots of NT kids this age stall at bedtime. We always did a story as the last step so it was like a reward for staying on track. If they weren’t ready by X time, there was simply no story. No discussion. No yelling. It takes a long time to establish a habit so don’t give up if it isn’t working after a night or a week. The key is consistency. A consistent routine, a consistent bedtime and consistent consequences. For the first few nights you may need to be very hands on. An hour before bedtime, give a heads up. “You have an hour left until it’s time to start setting ready.” Give a warning again 10 or 15 minutes in advance. At the time (set an alarm if the audible reminder helps) calmly and in a quiet voice remind them of the steps needed and walk them through each one. Remove distractions ahead of time. Don’t entertain any protests. Just calmly repeat what needs to be done. Reinforce each step completed with praise. “I love the way you put your pajamas on the first time I asked”. Over time, you can fade the supports.

Another tactic. Some kids like a little excitement. If that’s the case, set a timer and see how fast they can get PJs on. See if they can beat it next time.

After dinner and before the bedtime routine, avoid activities that they find hard to put down/walk away from.

As for non-bedtime tasks, we used to use an app that allowed the kids to check tasks off. They’d accrue points for a reward. It worked really well and removed me from the equation. They actually looked for chores so they could check more boxes and earn more rewards. You can do things like making the bed, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, reading for 15 min, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I have a 13yo I still have to remind every night the steps for bedtime. ADHD wasn’t diagnosed until MS so now I’m aware of it I’m more patient. I’ve accustomed myself to this is just the situation for now.
Ill give her 2 steps to do at a time. Then I’ll calmly ask if she’s done them.
It’s hard sometimes but yelling and getting frustrated doesnt help you or them.

+1.

I still have to yell at my 12.5-year-old. He huffs and puffs and whines and gets offended before doing anything he does not want to do. It’s exhausting. My 7-year-old Neurotypical kid is way more independent.

I have a 13yo I still have to remind every night the steps for bedtime. ADHD wasn’t diagnosed until MS so now I’m aware of it I’m more patient. I’ve accustomed myself to this is just the situation for now.
Ill give her 2 steps to do at a time. Then I’ll calmly ask if she’s done them.
It’s hard sometimes but yelling and getting frustrated doesnt help you or them.

Anonymous wrote:It gets better with time and maturity. And medication. I will add that for my my college student we also use social stories and did some social skills classes.

I also think you need to alter your expectations somewhat. My child does everything that he needs to get done, but most of the time it’s on his own timeline that works for him and that’s OK. It took me a long time to be able to come to terms with that because when I want something done, I just want it done. However, he gets it done just on his own time and that is OK. I did body double him a lot when he was younger as we were going through the different techniques to try and see what would finally click.

Same for us. My son is 18 and is so much better now. He can still procrastinate a ton but we make “deals” now - I remind him to do laundry, he’ll say in a bit and I respond with he needs to do it by X and to set a phone alarm. That’s our deal and he sticks to it. It took time for us to get there. It also gives him some flexibility and autonomy within bounds.

I also have one of each type. They are now 14 and 17. We did it all at those ages - jars, timers, checklists, you name it. Some things would work for a time and then stop being as effective and then we’d change it up to the new incentive/tracker/whatever. It’s a lot of work but they can be effective for a time.

The two things that have consistently worked over the years are 1) clear, consistent routines and expectations, and 2) the approach in “1, 2, 3 Magic”. That book was a godsend. You have to be super consistent though and not be afraid to follow through on clear consequences. DH was never good at that, so they don’t listen to him when he counts. But even to this day when I start with “One…” they immediately know.

It’s so hard. It’s called Parenting. They are just kids. You need lots of parenting and understanding. It improves gradually overtime. It does take years though.

It gets better with time and maturity. And medication. I will add that for my my college student we also use social stories and did some social skills classes.

I also think you need to alter your expectations somewhat. My child does everything that he needs to get done, but most of the time it’s on his own timeline that works for him and that’s OK. It took me a long time to be able to come to terms with that because when I want something done, I just want it done. However, he gets it done just on his own time and that is OK. I did body double him a lot when he was younger as we were going through the different techniques to try and see what would finally click.

OP, it sounds very familiar to me, it is hard.
I do admit I yell more than I should, and he starts crying whenever I do. I know I shouldn't yell, but in the moment, all i can think of in response is "but you make it impossible not to yell!"

at least brushing teeth part, Philips sonicare for kids worked very well for our 6yo (I don't work for Philips). We don't let him use smartphone, except for Philips app.

It is sometime buggy, but i have to say it is designed very well. It has this character we call him "fuzzy guy" to make brushing fun, plays music while brushing, and once done, you get a reward, like food item and background pictures, or sometime random congratulation comments with special music.

I set the timer for 5 min. and say "let me see what food you get today and let's feed our fuzzy guy together. if we can complete everything before it beeps, I can do 2 books tonight"

sometimes he needs a reminder, but for most days it works very well. I was worried he gets bored after sometime and the magic goes away, but it's been 6 months, it's still going well, I need to buy replacement brush head.

It costs more than our toothbrush but I find it well worth it.

Also, are you still reading bedtime stories? Our rule was bedtime stories ended at a specific time so the more time you spent putting in PJs, the less time for stories. Incentives help.