Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 16:45     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?



Rude and unhelpful
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 16:41     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
OP, is she home from her freshman year of college? Maybe missing her college friends, her girlfriend, and the freedom she had just a month ago?
The transition home is really, really hard.
My daughter is also 19 and we’re going through some very similar things.
After our family eats dinner, I’ll say hey, do you want to hang out tonight? We could go for a walk or watch another episode of XYZ? Or do you want to do your own thing, no pressure?

I let her pick. And if she’s grumpy after the show, I don’t (usually) take it personally. Sometimes we have a nice evening together. Plenty of times she goes up to her room to be alone or FaceTime with college friends. Then I do my own thing or hand with my husband and 95% of the time do not pine after her at all.

I just try to put her in the driver’s seat and pivot as necessary. And yes, mine is neurodivergent, too (ADHD and probably underdiagnosed).
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 16:32     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Have you considered that YOU might also have autistic tendencies, and that you're not understanding that you're putting your social needs before hers?


It’s logical to think that - but sadly what I think this is an example of something that happens a lot: people with “good social skills” who get uncomfortable and upset when someone doesn’t behave the way they believe is the norm. The neurotypical can be very cruel and judgmental and selfish - being neurotypical does not mean you are kind and empathetic. Just that you can follow along with neurotypical social cues.


You're describing social anxiety, which is something anyone can have, neurodivergent and neurotypical alike. OP clearly has social anxiety. She's terrified of how her daughter comes across, even when not in public. Her daughter's lack of conversational skills and absence of "pleasant" public persona makes OP afraid for her professional and personal future, and every time her daughter is sullen, like all teens, OP's mind just goes straight to autism and "what will people think?!?!", because this is so triggering to her. OP's anxiety makes her goad her own daughter to be more engaged, and obviously that's not going well.

Her daughter is on her own timeline, she might progress or not, we don't know. The only thing OP can do is to work on HERSELF. She cannot go through life being continually triggered by her child's behaviors, unless she wants to be miserable forever.

You have to accept that this is your reality, OP. Sometimes I have difficulty accepting my reality, with my autistic son, and autistic husband.

Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 16:25     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I’m not trying to be mean or judgmental about my daughter. Last night I was just feeling really bad because I’d planned something fun. We were with a group and her lack of participation and seeming unhappiness was really stressing me out. Someone else in the group (close to my age not hers) was worried they’d upset her or that she was upset. And I had to explain that no she was usually like this and they hadn’t done anything. I still don’t really know how to relate to her. I understand companionable silence and that’s fine sometimes like when you’re hanging around the house or going for a walk in the park. But sometimes it feels really weird to be with someone physically who feels extremely emotionally far away.

I guess I don’t know whether to ignore it. Like if she’s not talking, do I talk to her knowing I’m not going to get much response? Do I try to engage her? Because that just seems to make her annoyed with me. But ignoring her feels mean and like why are we together? It’s very confusing. I do have trouble believing her because her entire body is telling me one thing even though her words later tell me another.


1. Ignoring an autistic person who isn't talking to you is not mean. It's polite. Nothing confusing about that.
2. You need to be very direct with her, and ASK if you're not sure. "I want to chat right now, are you OK with that?" She will be direct right back: "yes" or "no".



But in a group when you’re all talking and she’s the only one not talking? She will say yes but then give very short answers that don’t give or take. So the conversation ends.

She does not view herself as being on the spectrum. She gets upset if I ever mention it, so I don’t. It would be easier if she did and we could just be honest about it.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense.


We understand your situation, we just don't agree with your conclusions, OP. An autistic person will stretch to respond pleasantly to social stimuli in desirable company, but may not want to make that effort (because make no mistake, it's an effort) for others. My son does the same thing. He has a resting smiley face and even though he comes across as aloof and uninterested, the smiley face saves him from being considered boorish. But he's certainly not making any social effort. He attends because all our family attends, and his rule-following mind has never considered pushing against that, thank goodness. Conversation is a bridge too far.

Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 16:18     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?



No. I want to know how to have a nice time when we’re together when she doesn’t talk and looks bored and unhappy. What do I do? How do I make it better?


Your desire to have a “nice time” and have her perform the gestures that make you feel sufficiently that you are having a “nice time” is 100% about you not accepting or understanding your daughter. It’s also a complete misunderstanding of teens and young adults in general.


I'm the one who wrote about companionable silences.

You know about the definition of extrovert and introvert where it comes from whether you feel energized or drained by being with people?

I am rated as an extrovert and I don't mask in any particular way. But I find people other than my friends really draining.

I know my grumpy teen son loves me and knows I look out for his best interests. But he's also frequently sullen and a bit rude. The other night he was so bored he was banging something on the floor of his room. I went up to investigate and we ended up talking and laughing for 2 hours. Because he was in a mood to be social and didn't have too much homework pressure.

I think your anxious questions and probing are making things worse. You probably need to back off and just use the "it's a phase" strategy for now.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 14:38     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:Have you considered that YOU might also have autistic tendencies, and that you're not understanding that you're putting your social needs before hers?


It’s logical to think that - but sadly what I think this is an example of something that happens a lot: people with “good social skills” who get uncomfortable and upset when someone doesn’t behave the way they believe is the norm. The neurotypical can be very cruel and judgmental and selfish - being neurotypical does not mean you are kind and empathetic. Just that you can follow along with neurotypical social cues.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:16     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Have you considered that YOU might also have autistic tendencies, and that you're not understanding that you're putting your social needs before hers?
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:16     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?



No. I want to know how to have a nice time when we’re together when she doesn’t talk and looks bored and unhappy. What do I do? How do I make it better?


But you have to trust and believe her that she's not bored and unhappy. You're not having a nice time because you've convinced yourself that she's lying. You need to reframe how you see her and the situation.


This is true. But it’s really hard not to do this. Like weird analogy but if I were on a date and I was kissing someone and they said it was fine and good but everything their body said made me feel it was not fine and good I would not keep doing that. It is very hard—and I think sometimes maybe even dangerous—not to trust what you see in someone’s body language.


Ffs OP get a grip. OMG.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:14     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Get ready for some tough love OP:

It sounds like she doesn't want to engage with you. Maybe you feel the need to interact with anyone who is in your vicinity, in a mindless chatter sort of way? We're a family of introverts, only one of us has an autism diagnosis, but we'd all go bonkers if someone felt the need to engage all the time. In fact, our greatest happy family time is when we're all there in the living room, each doing our own thing.

Please try to get your social jollies elsewhere. You're being incredibly irritating.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:14     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?



No. I want to know how to have a nice time when we’re together when she doesn’t talk and looks bored and unhappy. What do I do? How do I make it better?


Your desire to have a “nice time” and have her perform the gestures that make you feel sufficiently that you are having a “nice time” is 100% about you not accepting or understanding your daughter. It’s also a complete misunderstanding of teens and young adults in general.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:10     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I’m not trying to be mean or judgmental about my daughter. Last night I was just feeling really bad because I’d planned something fun. We were with a group and her lack of participation and seeming unhappiness was really stressing me out. Someone else in the group (close to my age not hers) was worried they’d upset her or that she was upset. And I had to explain that no she was usually like this and they hadn’t done anything. I still don’t really know how to relate to her. I understand companionable silence and that’s fine sometimes like when you’re hanging around the house or going for a walk in the park. But sometimes it feels really weird to be with someone physically who feels extremely emotionally far away.

I guess I don’t know whether to ignore it. Like if she’s not talking, do I talk to her knowing I’m not going to get much response? Do I try to engage her? Because that just seems to make her annoyed with me. But ignoring her feels mean and like why are we together? It’s very confusing. I do have trouble believing her because her entire body is telling me one thing even though her words later tell me another.


1. Ignoring an autistic person who isn't talking to you is not mean. It's polite. Nothing confusing about that.
2. You need to be very direct with her, and ASK if you're not sure. "I want to chat right now, are you OK with that?" She will be direct right back: "yes" or "no".



But in a group when you’re all talking and she’s the only one not talking? She will say yes but then give very short answers that don’t give or take. So the conversation ends.

She does not view herself as being on the spectrum. She gets upset if I ever mention it, so I don’t. It would be easier if she did and we could just be honest about it.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:07     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% about you OP - you want her to present herself to you in a certain way and she does not. What you want to demand of her is really almost abusive. You think it’s ok to want to force her to say “The way my face looks and voice sounds makes other people uncomfortable”?



No. I want to know how to have a nice time when we’re together when she doesn’t talk and looks bored and unhappy. What do I do? How do I make it better?


But you have to trust and believe her that she's not bored and unhappy. You're not having a nice time because you've convinced yourself that she's lying. You need to reframe how you see her and the situation.


This is true. But it’s really hard not to do this. Like weird analogy but if I were on a date and I was kissing someone and they said it was fine and good but everything their body said made me feel it was not fine and good I would not keep doing that. It is very hard—and I think sometimes maybe even dangerous—not to trust what you see in someone’s body language.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:05     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I’m not trying to be mean or judgmental about my daughter. Last night I was just feeling really bad because I’d planned something fun. We were with a group and her lack of participation and seeming unhappiness was really stressing me out. Someone else in the group (close to my age not hers) was worried they’d upset her or that she was upset. And I had to explain that no she was usually like this and they hadn’t done anything. I still don’t really know how to relate to her. I understand companionable silence and that’s fine sometimes like when you’re hanging around the house or going for a walk in the park. But sometimes it feels really weird to be with someone physically who feels extremely emotionally far away.

I guess I don’t know whether to ignore it. Like if she’s not talking, do I talk to her knowing I’m not going to get much response? Do I try to engage her? Because that just seems to make her annoyed with me. But ignoring her feels mean and like why are we together? It’s very confusing. I do have trouble believing her because her entire body is telling me one thing even though her words later tell me another.


1. Ignoring an autistic person who isn't talking to you is not mean. It's polite. Nothing confusing about that.
2. You need to be very direct with her, and ASK if you're not sure. "I want to chat right now, are you OK with that?" She will be direct right back: "yes" or "no".

Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:03     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
Anonymous wrote:NP. DS often has a flat affect with me, with us his parents and sometimes with his friends but also is more animated with his friends , to some extent.

I don't always know whether he is happy or bored or angry/hostile, from his demeanor, but I know that he is generally sunny and very rarely angry. So I go by what I know of him rather than his presentation. And I try to remind him to check whether his outside matches his inside.


When you spend time together, does he talk to you? Do you try and engage him in conversation and if so does he respond ? Is there anything that helps bring him into a conversation or group or if he’s basically not participating do you just let him be?
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2025 13:00     Subject: Anyone have a teen with flat affect?
OP here. Thank you. I’m not trying to be mean or judgmental about my daughter. Last night I was just feeling really bad because I’d planned something fun. We were with a group and her lack of participation and seeming unhappiness was really stressing me out. Someone else in the group (close to my age not hers) was worried they’d upset her or that she was upset. And I had to explain that no she was usually like this and they hadn’t done anything. I still don’t really know how to relate to her. I understand companionable silence and that’s fine sometimes like when you’re hanging around the house or going for a walk in the park. But sometimes it feels really weird to be with someone physically who feels extremely emotionally far away.

I guess I don’t know whether to ignore it. Like if she’s not talking, do I talk to her knowing I’m not going to get much response? Do I try to engage her? Because that just seems to make her annoyed with me. But ignoring her feels mean and like why are we together? It’s very confusing. I do have trouble believing her because her entire body is telling me one thing even though her words later tell me another.