Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - kids are 10 years old and younger. They just don’t care. I have told them to do chores and they do it for a week then quit. They don’t care if they have clean clothes or clean dishes. They don’t care if the house is a mess. I care so I clean and make food.

I don’t actually like much food - I would prefer to never cook another meal for the rest of my life.

You need to make them care. Any time they don't put their dirty laundry where it goes, you put it in a bag and they lose it. Eventually they'll have no clothes left. Then they'll care. Get a stool so they can reach the washer and dryer (for kids 6/7 and older) and teach them to move things from washer to dryer, dryer to laundry basket to be folded. Teach the ones 3 and up to match socks and ball them, fold washcloths and hand towels and pillowcases and pants. You do shirts, sheets, big towels.

Stop letting them do what they want when the house is a mess. They can't leave the kitchen after a meal until they bring their dirty dishes and silverware to the counter next to the sink. The 10 yr old should be emptying the dishwasher. Next oldest can wipe the dinner table after each meal. If you want them to do something, they must do it right now, and can't play first. You are angry at yourself, not them. You are not teaching them discipline and doing what you have to before doing what you want to. Start teaching the 10 yr old to cook. They can make scrambled eggs, omelets, Mac & cheese, salads, sandwiches, cut up fruit
and veg for snacks, etc.

Op - I would just like to stop making food all together and let them figure it out. Same with clothes. If they want to wear dirty clothes it’s their choice. They have to wear uniforms so I can’t take all their clothes away.

Anonymous wrote:Op - I work full time. I feel like a glorified maid, driver and chef for my kids. I just want them to figure it out themselves.

No, you can’t expect kids 10 and under to figure out how to get places without their parents’ help and cook all their own meals.

You can have them do more to help at home, as many have suggested above. You can try to set to carpools or limit what they can sign up for next season/year. You can talk to your spouse about more equal division of labor. But young kids need parental care. That’s life.

Anonymous wrote:Op - kids are 10 years old and younger. They just don’t care. I have told them to do chores and they do it for a week then quit. They don’t care if they have clean clothes or clean dishes. They don’t care if the house is a mess. I care so I clean and make food.

I don’t actually like much food - I would prefer to never cook another meal for the rest of my life.

You need to make them care. Any time they don't put their dirty laundry where it goes, you put it in a bag and they lose it. Eventually they'll have no clothes left. Then they'll care. Get a stool so they can reach the washer and dryer (for kids 6/7 and older) and teach them to move things from washer to dryer, dryer to laundry basket to be folded. Teach the ones 3 and up to match socks and ball them, fold washcloths and hand towels and pillowcases and pants. You do shirts, sheets, big towels.

Stop letting them do what they want when the house is a mess. They can't leave the kitchen after a meal until they bring their dirty dishes and silverware to the counter next to the sink. The 10 yr old should be emptying the dishwasher. Next oldest can wipe the dinner table after each meal. If you want them to do something, they must do it right now, and can't play first. You are angry at yourself, not them. You are not teaching them discipline and doing what you have to before doing what you want to. Start teaching the 10 yr old to cook. They can make scrambled eggs, omelets, Mac & cheese, salads, sandwiches, cut up fruit and veg for snacks, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Op - DH has one of those big jobs (think big law/finance) where they work a lot of hours. So it’s very hard for me to even rely on him not being pulled into a call or emergency. He helps more on the weekends but during the week it’s usually all me.

I mean....what do you want us to say? You need to make changes somewhere. Quit your job. Tell DH he needs a new one. Go part time. Hire help.

Op - DH has one of those big jobs (think big law/finance) where they work a lot of hours. So it’s very hard for me to even rely on him not being pulled into a call or emergency. He helps more on the weekends but during the week it’s usually all me.

Anonymous wrote:You can drop the rope to a point. I did that recently - first one day per week now two. The first couple weeks were rough I will not lie. There were a couple games, etc. where the kids didn’t have what they needed or weren’t fed. Now he has it down. I think it also has helped his relationship with the kids a lot in so many ways. I had to just let it go and not swoop in to fix things or do it my way. We have a set schedule now where he is in charge of everything on two set weekdays every week. You got it OP.

And by the way I whined and cried for years about how I did everything and got nowhere. It took this to finally change things.

You can drop the rope to a point. I did that recently - first one day per week now two. The first couple weeks were rough I will not lie. There were a couple games, etc. where the kids didn’t have what they needed or weren’t fed. Now he has it down. I think it also has helped his relationship with the kids a lot in so many ways. I had to just let it go and not swoop in to fix things or do it my way. We have a set schedule now where he is in charge of everything on two set weekdays every week. You got it OP.

A few things. You sound a bit depressed. It's time to talk to DH and tell him he needs to step up. You also need to hire some help.

At that age, you can’t drop the rope without warning. But you can calmly and repeatedly insist on getting household participation from others.

Each kid gets a laundry basket. Once a week, they fill it and help you take it to the washer. Everything in together on cold. Clothes only go in the washer when pants are right side out, underwear is removed from pants, and socks are not scrunched in a ball. When wash finishes, they move to dryer. (Show them what settings to choose.) Then they help you bring basket back to their room and they put away.

You only leave for piano/ballet/soccer if child is properly dressed for weather/activity and has assembled all their gear. If you are more than X minutes late to depart, you don’t go. When you return home, they wash out water bottle/put away bobby pins/hang up wet towel/repack gear bag so they’re ready for next time.

One-pot meals, breakfast for dinner and rotisserie chickens are your friends. Kids set table and clear, including rinsing plates and properly loading dishwasher. Run it every night, then kids and husband are responsible for unloading it in the morning.

Institute a 10-minute cleanup blitz every evening. Create a playlist and have everyone rush around like maniacs putting stuff where it belongs until it stops. You are not allowed to only focus on your stuff — if you see something out of place, store it/trash it/recycle it. If there’s dirt, sweep it/wipe it/vacuum it. Five people x 10 minutes is almost an hour of cleaning each day. It makes a huge difference over time.

Have a visible calendar with all appointments and Very Special Celebrations noted. This helps kids see when Hawaiian Shirt Day is so they can plan. And it helps remind you so you can remind them.

Every so often, remark that you’ve saved so much time not rushing around, cleaning up unnecessary crap, or arguing about either, you have time to go for ice cream or watch a movie together. Nobody likes to feel bribed, but everyone appreciates a spot bonus.

I would get an apartment and move out with no advance notice.

Why can’t you and your spouse figure this out together?

Anonymous wrote:OP if you make $200k hire a cleaner once a week.

Op - I do have a cleaner who comes every other week. My house is clean but it’s the clutter and crap that accumulates with multiple kids. It drives me insane.

OP if you make $200k hire a cleaner once a week.

You can’t drop the rope. Your kids need you, and they need you to teach them accountability. Have a meeting with the kids, ask for input on specific choices. Chores must be done or no privileges for that day. They can be rotated. They must help you cook, clean, laundry, end of story. There is no sitting down or leisure time until you do. Be firm. If they refuse to do their share, then absolutely no privileges. If they need a day off due to
Illness, etc, they switch with sibling and cover siblings chores at a later date.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I work full time. I feel like a glorified maid, driver and chef for my kids. I just want them to figure it out themselves.

Do you make more than childcare costs?

Op - yes I make $200,000 a year

Do you have a nanny?