Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

This doesn’t make sense. If you know you are overweight, why does your spouse need to say anything? Just lose the weight already and fix whatever issues caused it in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:It’s only different for men and women if you either believe that men don’t have feelings and don’t deserve respect or you believe that women are too sensitive and too weak to handle any comments.

No, it’s different because it’s way easier for men to lose weight than women, who are often dealing with more complicated hormonal issues and whose bodies don’t respond as dramatically to resistance training. Also, I think it is easier for men to slip into denial because they can just rationalize that they are a “big guy” and the clothes men tend to wear are more forgiving of weight gain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

I guess you are a cool girl who can roll with the boys. Many of us were/are affected by beauty standards portrayed in the media from a young age. Throw in diet obsessed or body shaming mothers and you have created sensitivity around weight talk. Look, I was 5'5 and 105lbs snd thought I was fat because my them (psycho) boyfriend told me I was fat. Repeatedly. Two inches taller, 30 years older, 40 pounds heavier and I still am sensitive about weight. By all standards I am a healthy, normal weight, but my sense of body image was damaged young. For all we know, ops dh is healthy bordering chubby and she's a psycho.

PP you replied to. I had a similar figure and my mother kept telling me I was fat as a teen. I resented her for it. But it hasn't damaged my self-esteem. When my husband encourages me to lose weight, I don't experience it as the same sort of irritating nagging my mother did. I trust him. He trusts me.

I know I'm going to come across as heartless, and I apologize in advance, but reading DCUM and all the posters who complain about body image issues and low self-esteem due to fat-shaming... at some point you've got to get over yourself and learn to take constructive criticism, from yourself or others. You've only got one life. Love your body, even when you're looking at it very critically. It's never going to be perfect, and the point is to keep trying, even when you know you won't achieve perfection. Striving to have a healthier lifestyle and slimmer figure should not be painful. It's even fun if you strive together with your spouse or children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

I guess you are a cool girl who can roll with the boys. Many of us were/are affected by beauty standards portrayed in the media from a young age. Throw in diet obsessed or body shaming mothers and you have created sensitivity around weight talk. Look, I was 5'5 and 105lbs snd thought I was fat because my them (psycho) boyfriend told me I was fat. Repeatedly. Two inches taller, 30 years older, 40 pounds heavier and I still am sensitive about weight. By all standards I am a healthy, normal weight, but my sense of body image was damaged young. For all we know, ops dh is healthy bordering chubby and she's a psycho.

It’s only different for men and women if you either believe that men don’t have feelings and don’t deserve respect or you believe that women are too sensitive and too weak to handle any comments.

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

Be straightforward in your conversation without being disrespectful. If his feelings get hurt, too bad. What about the feelings of the healthy spouse who has to look at their fat spouse and sleep with them?

Does he have any self discipline in other areas? (Besides office work).

Man here. Op be blunt and tell ur h to lose weight as its not good for his health. I don’t think telling him u find him unattractive will help even though its the truth. Its very easy for men to lose weight. Don’t need to be a gym rat. Do cardio 2-3 times a week, stop eating before your tummy gets full, stay away from processed foods and sugar. Eat whole foods, fruits, vegetables and protein (chicken, fish)

It’s challenging and I wish you luck. Consider the long term role you want to play too and keep a sense of your food issues vs your husband’s.

My ILs are both healthy weights. My MIL has always been a dieter. As she aged and menopause, she become anxious about her weight. She then became controlling about both of their eating habits - from what they eat (no sugar, no carbs) and when (intermittent fasting so eat from 12-6pm only).

FIL is hungry all the time. It’s such a balancing act for people to own their choices.

You cook him better meals, make homemade snacks.

I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I don't think there is a way to say something like this directly without causing damage.

You can tell him that YOU want to start paying more attention to your health, eat better and exercise more. Cook healthier and lower calorie meals, don't bring in too many high calorie tempting snacks, ask him to come on walks with you because you need someone to keep you company and hold you accountable to your exercise routine. Eventually he'll benefit from that as well.

Get the snacky crap out if the house. Apples or something. Work on stress. Serve plated meals no seconds available. His portions can be man sized but not self serve seconds.

If its a guy just be blunt. Something along the lines of “you need to get yourself to the gym before you become completely unf*ckable, you fat-f*ck” usually gets the point across. That lets them know there’s a problem.