Anonymous wrote:Twenty years ago, it was common to meet lesbians who were very hostile to feminine, straight women and said very mean things about them all the time. Some people with those attitudes become trans men nowadays. If you were born that way in 1960 or 1980, you'd probably grow up to be a masculine looking lesbian. If you were born that way in 2000, you might grow up to be a trans man.

Anonymous wrote: If he truly can’t keep these mean things to himself despite numerous times he’s been told to not say it and consequences (does he get consequences?) then my guess is he’s on the autism spectrum. No I’m not saying all people on the spectrum are jerks, but some of them can come off like jerks because they can lack a filter and an understanding of social norms.

Anonymous wrote:We have a teenage trans boy in our family whose gender expression was very stereotypically boy from early toddlerhood, and who began expressing gender dysphoria very young. He fully socially transitioned in middle school.

One of the ways his dysphoria presents is that he is very negative about anything he associates with girls, or women, or femininity, and is very judgmental of other males whose gender expression is less stereotypically male. For example, he balks at any kind of household task, saying that laundry, or cleaning, or cooking are "for women", even though in our family the other male teens and male adults do all of these tasks. He loves to watch sports with his male cousins, but will walk out of the room if they have a women's game on. He will make disparaging comments to male friends who display what he considers "girly" interests, like drawing or cooking.

I am wondering if other people have seen this pattern. If so, did you find solutions?

Anonymous wrote:We have a teenage trans boy in our family whose gender expression was very stereotypically boy from early toddlerhood, and who began expressing gender dysphoria very young. He fully socially transitioned in middle school.

One of the ways his dysphoria presents is that he is very negative about anything he associates with girls, or women, or femininity, and is very judgmental of other males whose gender expression is less stereotypically male. For example, he balks at any kind of household task, saying that laundry, or cleaning, or cooking are "for women", even though in our family the other male teens and male adults do all of these tasks. He loves to watch sports with his male cousins, but will walk out of the room if they have a women's game on. He will make disparaging comments to male friends who display what he considers "girly" interests, like drawing or cooking.

I am wondering if other people have seen this pattern. If so, did you find solutions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this your child? Because there are many legitimate support groups for parents of trans youth where you could have supportive and non judgmental help if that’s actually what you’re looking for. You are unlikely to find it here.

If you’re not a parent or sibling and this behavior is so bothersome, I would tell the parents and/or stop associating with the kid. I’d treat it like I’d treat any other extended family member I don’t like, which is trying to see them as little as possible.

If it’s not your kid, it’s not really your problem. If it is your kid, there are many better places to seek help than here.

It's my stepchild, so someone I need to live with, and someone I love. DH is in a support group, but he says the other parents in the support group don't have kids with this particular issue, that, if anything, their kids are more understanding of other people who are gender non-conforming, not less.

And to answer the PP, of course we address the behavior in the moment. Kid knows it's not acceptable to say these things, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still feel that way.

Ok. I’m the poster who asked if this was your child. I’m the mom of a young adult trans daughter. I’ve generally found DCUM terrible for talking about trans issues, and my assumption was that you were a troll.

I do find this odd and it isn’t anything I’ve experienced or really seen people talk about (although admittedly I tend to focus on issues regarding trans women). But I also think you’re not going to find much help here. This needs to be addressed in family therapy. But also it sounds like you’re talking about maybe a 12 year old? Someone on blockers who hasn’t started HRT. This could be general preteen obnoxious behavior. It could be overcompensating for wanting to “catch up” with peers. There is no way to know.

Check out groups like the Mama Bears or Mama Dragons which require vetting to join. On an anonymous forum you’re not likely to get sensitive answers.

His mom is active in those groups you mentioned, and I am positive she would not want me there. I am going to respect that.

He’s 15, not on blockers, and too late to start so that’s not something to revisit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this your child? Because there are many legitimate support groups for parents of trans youth where you could have supportive and non judgmental help if that’s actually what you’re looking for. You are unlikely to find it here.

If you’re not a parent or sibling and this behavior is so bothersome, I would tell the parents and/or stop associating with the kid. I’d treat it like I’d treat any other extended family member I don’t like, which is trying to see them as little as possible.

If it’s not your kid, it’s not really your problem. If it is your kid, there are many better places to seek help than here.

It's my stepchild, so someone I need to live with, and someone I love. DH is in a support group, but he says the other parents in the support group don't have kids with this particular issue, that, if anything, their kids are more understanding of other people who are gender non-conforming, not less.

And to answer the PP, of course we address the behavior in the moment. Kid knows it's not acceptable to say these things, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still feel that way.

Ok. I’m the poster who asked if this was your child. I’m the mom of a young adult trans daughter. I’ve generally found DCUM terrible for talking about trans issues, and my assumption was that you were a troll.

I do find this odd and it isn’t anything I’ve experienced or really seen people talk about (although admittedly I tend to focus on issues regarding trans women). But I also think you’re not going to find much help here. This needs to be addressed in family therapy. But also it sounds like you’re talking about maybe a 12 year old? Someone on blockers who hasn’t started HRT. This could be general preteen obnoxious behavior. It could be overcompensating for wanting to “catch up” with peers. There is no way to know.

Check out groups like the Mama Bears or Mama Dragons which require vetting to join. On an anonymous forum you’re not likely to get sensitive answers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Having said that this comes up in situations where the only people there are people who see him and treat him 100% like a boy. So, for example when he gets upset because he doesn’t want to watch the NCAA women’s tournament with his dad and his stepbrothers, the other males in the room clearly don’t think that watching women’s sports makes you less of a man since they have chosen to watch it!

You have an opinion on what sports you kid wants to watch? No wonder the kid is a mess, with you being as controlling as that. Good Lord.. as a woman, even I would rather poke my eyes out than have to watch any NCAA women's athletics.* Especially basketball --absolutely the most mind-numbingly boring thing in the world.

And most women's professional sports are awful. The difference athletically in sexual dimorphism between homo sapiens males and females cannot be denied. It's often unbelievable and thrilling what they can do, physically, compared to us. In terms of entertainment value, it's like the difference between going to the London Philharmonic orchestra, versus sitting through a fifth-grade violin recital.


* Only exception is NCAA volleyball, but even then I don't pay too much attention until the end of the season when it's down to the final, top teams. (My husband will watch the volleyball with me too, but I think it's just because of the tiny shorts and how they pat each other on the bum after every point.)

Anonymous wrote:

Having said that this comes up in situations where the only people there are people who see him and treat him 100% like a boy. So, for example when he gets upset because he doesn’t want to watch the NCAA women’s tournament with his dad and his stepbrothers, the other males in the room clearly don’t think that watching women’s sports makes you less of a man since they have chosen to watch it!