I’d skip the vacation.
Way more important things ahead of you all.

Counseling??!!

OP, so who is cheating?

I would. My parents' marriage sucked and I knew it from the time I was about 10. They didn't divorce until I was 16. But I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on any vacations because of that. It was no more awkward than being at home with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have pretty much decided we may separate soon. We have a vacation this summer that’s fully paid for, and most of which is non-refundable. At this point, I don’t care about the money. But I do wonder how this vacation will affect DD13. Do we go and pretend all is well and allow her this final happy vacation, just to come home and drop the bombshell? Do we cancel altogether? Help me navigate this.

You can’t, not legally.

Their current “separation” would not be legally recognized anyway. So that clock hasn’t started. You have to openly hold yourself out as separated. This is a secret “trial separation.”

Every marriage/family is different. You have to figure out what works for yours. If you and your husband aren’t in love any more, but get along and have no trouble cooperating as a team (friendly roommates), then contemplate talking to your dd about the separation well in advance of the vacation and explain that you and she will be sharing a bed instead of you and dh, but that you’re still a family and will be taking the planned family vacation together. It may be reassuring your dd, in the face of this devastating development, to see the two of you relaxed and able to have fun in each other’s company.

If things are strained between you and your husband and you can’t have a fun time together, vacationing together is not an option.

My husband and I have been separated for several years. Our split was painful, but we’ve had time to heal. We have an easy rapport between us again. Last summer we took a big vacation with our teenagers because the kids won’t be at home much longer. We booked two rooms and each stayed with one kid. It was a great vacation and everyone had a good time. We’ve never stopped celebrating holidays together, as a family. Will it be this way forever? Probably not, but since we get along, at least until the kids are launched, this is a gift we can give them.

You have to make these decisions on a case by case basis, depending on how you’re getting along at the time. I agree with a pp; you absolutely should not pretend everything is normal, go on this vacation, and then drop this bomb on your child. That will make it seem like you’ve been lying to her.

Cancel vacation and focus on what’s going on

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have pretty much decided we may separate soon. We have a vacation this summer that’s fully paid for, and most of which is non-refundable. At this point, I don’t care about the money. But I do wonder how this vacation will affect DD13. Do we go and pretend all is well and allow her this final happy vacation, just to come home and drop the bombshell? Do we cancel altogether? Help me navigate this.

You can’t, not legally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you've had the same issues you have now for years, so what's the difference to your kid? They've noticed.

This. Let her have 1 last vacation

At 13 I'd have been furious if after a weird vacation my parents announced they were divorcing. Why'd they make me go through an uncomfortable vacation with them?

This. He take her, you move out.

Anonymous wrote:The guy is sleeping in the basement and you are still holding onto a reconciliation? Again, focus on the relationship, not the vacation. Stop wondering how the vacation will after your child instead worry about how the relationship between you and her father will affect her.

There’s definitely more info we’re missing if he’s sleeping in the basement. Did he do something specific to wreck the relationship so agreed to that? Is he so checked out he just doesn’t care? Did you even ask if he wanted to take turns in the basement? Lots in there that will inform your co-parenting over the next 5 years. Including whether you can vacation together

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you've had the same issues you have now for years, so what's the difference to your kid? They've noticed.

This. Let her have 1 last vacation

At 13 I'd have been furious if after a weird vacation my parents announced they were divorcing. Why'd they make me go through an uncomfortable vacation with them?

"may" separate.

Go on the vacation. Maybe it's what your marriage needs. Or your child.

I think it's cute that you think that your kid has no idea. She does.

I think it's a good idea to go on the vacation, and see if there's an opportunity to reconcile. Sometimes what you need is to see your spouse in a different setting so you can have a more neutral conversation that's less emotionally charged.

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you've had the same issues you have now for years, so what's the difference to your kid? They've noticed.

This. Let her have 1 last vacation