Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 07:24     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the facility. My mom is in a CCC facility where IL and AL are commingled and the same activities are offered to both. The challenge is that no one will force them to attend the activities. The activities range from arts and crafts, bingo, outings to restaurants, board games, “salon” days, exercise class, puzzles, sing alongs, and each night they show a movie. Residents have the option of dining in the restaurant of having their meal(s) delivered to their rooms for a few. There are definitely cliques like high school, but mostly based on mental and physical acuity.


+1 I volunteered at The Village of Rockville; it was years ago, but they were like this. Plenty of activities, and residents were encouraged to attend, but not forced.

Anonymous
Post 05/14/2025 16:38     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:The best assisted living facility won't be more fun than country club or hotel or, heck, a cruise ship. Does anybody enjoy living only at one of those? Some people, but if you want an interesting life, you have to get out of the home sometimes.


So you "get out of the house" when family or friends come to visit and take you out for part of the day. But a good AL is much more exciting than just sitting at home all day
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2025 15:15     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
The best assisted living facility won't be more fun than country club or hotel or, heck, a cruise ship. Does anybody enjoy living only at one of those? Some people, but if you want an interesting life, you have to get out of the home sometimes.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2025 14:53     Subject: Re:Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree to get a hold of the calendar for activities. Unfortunately there is a pretty steep drop in abilities from independent living to assisted. The commercials showing old people doing fun social events is based on independent living. Assisted is more like nursing homes with residents confined to beds or wheelchairs. An option could be an independent living and then you pay for additional care, but that's going to get pricey and may not be a viable option for long.


This (bolded) is exactly correct.

I'm sorry, OP, this is a sad but common story. People who skip over the independent living phase at these facilities and go straight to assisted living have a big shock, as do their families, because the activities available are not what they anticipated. Agree that you should ask the case managers and staff about what activities are available specifically for people in her care level.


I also think it helps if you start in IL at a facility. My parents are in IL (a CCRC), and they have friends who have gone to AL or nursing care or memory care. Their spouses (if still able) often bring them back for activities and/or mealtimes if it's safe/manageable. Or friends can go visit them in the AL/Nursing care/MC portion of the facility.
However, my parents place does still have plenty of appropriate activities for AL/NC/MC, heck they even have a trained dog for the memory care portion that residents in IL can take out for walks/etc. He lives in the MC facility and is well loved and very helpful for the residents to have that loving animal time.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2025 14:50     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We had to move my mom into an assisted living facility fairly quickly due to some extenuating circumstances. She has significant physical limitations and probably some memory/very mild dementia issues but for the most part her challenges are physical (post-stroke about 6 months, limited mobility.) She is miserable, says the activities are all passive (movie, speakers etc) and hasn't yet made any social connections. We got fortunate in the place we found for her, it seems nice enough, has won some local "best of" type awards, but I get why she is unhappy. Whenever I"m here people just seem to be sitting in their rooms watching TV (with doors open to hallway.) So my question is - is this just what assisted living looks like everywhere? Do facilities exist that have engaging activities and decently social lives for residents? She wants to move to a better place but I'm not sure if that exists for her situation. Not in DMV so just wondering in general.

No, not every place looks like that, there is huge variation. Go and visit as many as you can. Visiting in person is really the only way to get a good read on the atmosphere. Bonus points for facilities that will see you on short notice and at odd hours. Awards and reviews are one thing to check, but things change, ownership, significant staff turnover. I would not be so dismissive of your mom as some in this post. You are visiting and noticing that what she says is true. See if there is something better out there. If you can't find a better place, maybe the budget can accommodate some paid companions who will engage with her.


+1

Find a place where those in AL are still engaging with each other. Same for Nursing care, if possible. My uncle (90+) is in nursing care (and memory is declining), and when I visit, after breakfast they take residents to the lounges and there are 5-7 of them watching TV "together", some more aware of the others than others are. But they are not simply in their beds or in their wheelchairs in their rooms, they are moving around during the day so they have different places to be. Some of them are able to do puzzles and play games still as well, as their memory is not as declined and they are more there for physical issues.
But yes, there are places where the residents gather together for activities even in AL and nursing care. And they should be eating together as well if possible.

Anonymous
Post 05/14/2025 14:45     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Her misery is most likely caused by her circumstances and grief over the loss of the life she once had. Find out more about the place where she is and see what activities you think might be a match. Every move can cause decline and it's a common story that the dutiful adult child swoops in to rescue mom with a move to a new place or even takes in mom only to find mom still remains miserable. Medication may help with the adjustment and trying to make new friends.


So what then are the alternatives? My mom is currently 'living' in her home where she wants to remain. I say 'living' as she is confined to her lift chair all day, wearing a diaper, only risking using her walker to get to her bedroom each night. She falls constantly but thankfully has not broken anything. Yet. She adamantly refuses any in-house aide assistance despite having the resources. What are the alternatives in the future?


At some point, you need to have her doctor tell her she cannot live alone, or just step in and make the move to an assisted living facility. I cannot imagine leaving anyone I love confined to a lift chair all day and wearing a diaper. How does she get her meals? Someday a fall will cause broken bones and then it will be a very long recovery, and often times an elderly person is never quite the same.
So I'd be pushing to get her into independent living or with a 24/7 caregiver. Living "alone" by. herself is not a viable option
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2025 21:20     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
It all depends on the facility. My mom is in a CCC facility where IL and AL are commingled and the same activities are offered to both. The challenge is that no one will force them to attend the activities. The activities range from arts and crafts, bingo, outings to restaurants, board games, “salon” days, exercise class, puzzles, sing alongs, and each night they show a movie. Residents have the option of dining in the restaurant of having their meal(s) delivered to their rooms for a few. There are definitely cliques like high school, but mostly based on mental and physical acuity.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2025 21:14     Subject: Re:Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:Agree to get a hold of the calendar for activities. Unfortunately there is a pretty steep drop in abilities from independent living to assisted. The commercials showing old people doing fun social events is based on independent living. Assisted is more like nursing homes with residents confined to beds or wheelchairs. An option could be an independent living and then you pay for additional care, but that's going to get pricey and may not be a viable option for long.

No, that's not accurate. People who are confined to their beds go to skilled nursing, unless they have full time private nurses enabling them to stay in an AL setting with a spouse. AL is for people who can still have a fair bit of independence, but need help in certain areas. Usually the help is offered in levels.

So many of you are responding to OP as if her mother doesn't want activity or has dementia. That is the opposite of what OP's post said. This senior wants a more stimulating environment and she doesn't have dementia. Not all old people are the same.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2025 20:00     Subject: Re:Assisted living - realistic expectations
My MIL and FIL were in a remarkable multi level care facility outside of Boston so I do think engaging, quality places exist, but are fairly rare. My in laws entered at assisted living level and had physical disabilities, but not cognitive symptoms. The activities offered were varied and engaging. They were musicians and found like minded peers. There were multiple levels of nursing support in the assisted living level. Then the more comprehensive nursing care they needed as they moved toward the end their lives was caring and fairly expert. I would not hesitate to recommend that facility to anyone, but I’ve never seen anything very similar here in the DC area.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2025 18:13     Subject: Re:Assisted living - realistic expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree to get a hold of the calendar for activities. Unfortunately there is a pretty steep drop in abilities from independent living to assisted. The commercials showing old people doing fun social events is based on independent living. Assisted is more like nursing homes with residents confined to beds or wheelchairs. An option could be an independent living and then you pay for additional care, but that's going to get pricey and may not be a viable option for long.


This (bolded) is exactly correct.

I'm sorry, OP, this is a sad but common story. People who skip over the independent living phase at these facilities and go straight to assisted living have a big shock, as do their families, because the activities available are not what they anticipated. Agree that you should ask the case managers and staff about what activities are available specifically for people in her care level.


This was not true of the assisted living where my mil was. But we visited some that were like this where everyone just sat around and nobody seemed engaging.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2025 18:09     Subject: Assisted living - realistic expectations
I would find out when craft day and Bingo day are and go with her the first time.