From experience, he is drinking a lot more than you think. Probably every day. Check his credit card statements if you have not already.

You cannot control him and his drinking. All you can do is decide if you want to stay or leave and go to Al Anon and get support. You did not cause his drinking and you won't cause him to quit. He has to want to.

Unfortunately this country highly encourages drinking and it is everywhere. It is hard to say no.

There may come a breaking point where you realize you don't feel safe and you don't want to live this way anymore. However, you need to work through your feelings and decide if that's what you want.

OP, in addition to protecting yourself by getting to meetings or on the right forums, can you protect him and (from) the kids (and MOST DEF from driving)?

Does he have a man cave (or office if he works from home). Make a rule that he can't leave. Don't shame him or anything, just say "I've got the keys, kids are at activities, don't come out of here"

I agree with those who say he’s likely drinking a lot more often than you think/he says he is.

Also, there’s no excuse to drive drunk. Only a matter of time before he takes the life of an innocent person.

Yes, he is absolutely an alcoholic. An alcoholic is someone who can’t control their alcohol use. If he can’t avoid getting this drunk when he drinks, making awful decisions like driving drunk and feels he has to hide his drinking, drinks alone in the daytime while working, there is no doubt he’s an alcoholic. Any one of these things would be hugely problematic alone.

And I’d be willing to bet he drinks way more often than you think he does- he’s just good at hiding it.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. I talked to him today and he basically blamed me bc we didn’t go out to dinner last night (what?)- the kids had sports, last night and early this am. Then he said he had a bad day at work and didn’t want to talk about the drinking bc “he didn’t want to be told off” which I was not doing, I was trying to have a normal conversation. Ugh.

This is typical alcoholic gaslighting.

For me, the issue is really that he’s driving around and otherwise putting himself and his family in danger. A hangover and being out of commission 6x a year is a big deal but not a deal breaker, if that’s truly all it is (unlikely). You have kids and that needs to be the priority.

Thank you all. I talked to him today and he basically blamed me bc we didn’t go out to dinner last night (what?)- the kids had sports, last night and early this am. Then he said he had a bad day at work and didn’t want to talk about the drinking bc “he didn’t want to be told off” which I was not doing, I was trying to have a normal conversation. Ugh.

OP, everything you’ve shared on this post so far are:

Signs of alcohol use disorder (AUD)
Examples of life with someone with AUD
Feelings of someone married to a spouse with AUD

Please go to Al-Anon. You will receive support and begin to understand the ways in which you are co-dependent as well as strategies to healthfully remove yourself from the co-dependent role. GL!

He’s an alcoholic. He needs help.

For context, I don’t think he’s started drinking until about 6 o’clock yesterday. So it wasn’t day drinking. I’m not justifying at all though.

OP, he drinks more than you know, most likely.

I had a very similar husband. I confronted him one day, and he left and never returned. It was awful. However, it was his addiction that robbed him of his life.
Yes, he is an alcoholic even if it only happens once a year. Understand that this addiction kills and destroys.
The absolute best thing you can do is go to Al-Anon and get support. This is the only control you have. Then, find a family group so you can take your kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess I just feel pathetic like I’m trying to parent him or something. Or at least that’s what he will say. Who pulls out a can from the trashcan to smell it? That’s crazy of me. I was literally looking through the trash last night.
Part of me think that’s because when he lies it makes me not able to trust my own self with my instincts. I question whether or not I’m just imagining that he’s drunk.

Al-anon can help with these feelings.

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with alcohol in the last few years. Mostly as a health thing as I get older. And because I drink a lot less than I used to even in my 30s, when I was in situations where I would have drank a lot and had a good time doing it, I was over doing it because my gauge was off.
My point to you is there were over the last 4 years maybe 4 or 5 nights my husband would had every right to be pissed at me, and on most weekend nights I had about 2-3 glasses of wine and some Thursdays too.

This is the point I am building to for context, I would routinely have 2-3 glasses of wine at home and on a few occasions overdo it by a lot.

It is not normal by any stretch of the imagination to be drinking vodka during the day and hiding it. That is so far beyond my comprehension as something that would be anything I would do.

I saw an aunt who I think in her 40s drank like I did about 2 years ago. Since retirement she has turned into a full blown alcoholic. White wine all day long. Can't remember a single conversation. Called me to tell me where her daughter was going one day, and by the end of the conversation was asking me if I had heard from her daughter if she was going to go to this place. This is where your husband is headed and very soon.

He is an alcoholic and you should go to Al Anon.

He has no idea I have proof- should I ask him again today (he’s still asleep) to see if he will lie or just tell him I know and ask why he lied?