Anonymous wrote:Common goals. No bean counting. Mutual respect for one another. Financial security. Low drama families of origin.

All of this plus basic maturity, trust, and genuinely liking each other. Like someone else mentioned, we truly enjoy spending time together and can make each other laugh. Married 30+ years, empty nesters.

Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Honestly the list you give is divorce-worthy. I have been married 17 years and I would have a hard time staying with a man who couldn’t hold down a job (unless we agreed he was a SAHM parent and was actually good at it). Same with addiction, infidelity, or financial grief. These are dealbreakers.

Giving grace is like, I’m very messy, my bedroom is not always neat. DH has made peace with that. But I hold down a good job, do my share, and love him.

My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My culture and religion. The people who surround me. Divorce, DV and cheating is very rare in my circle.

Mostly college STEM educated people - both men and women. High earners.

South Asian, right?

No, no. Midwestern Christian WASP.

One partner is laid back and willing to take the others’ crap. I’m the wife and the more laid back one. My mom was a nag and my dad had a terrible temper. I do push back, but for the most part I don’t nag. My husband is high strung. Wish I could change that, but he’s great in other ways. He also does a ton around the house and with the kids. We also rarely spend a weekend or night apart.

Anonymous wrote:My culture and religion. The people who surround me. Divorce, DV and cheating is very rare in my circle.

Mostly college STEM educated people - both men and women. High earners.

South Asian, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above. Matched sex drives. Not having been sluts before...because that makes you a bitter person with low level of trust in others.

And … here is your daily dose of misogyny…

Man-sluts are included in the above statement. Man and woman - don't be sluts.

Our shared Christian faith and a belief that marriage is for a lifetime.

Anonymous wrote:All of the above. Matched sex drives. Not having been sluts before...because that makes you a bitter person with low level of trust in others.

And … here is your daily dose of misogyny…

We respect each other a lot. I think he’s an amazing person and I’m lucky to have found him…and he thinks the same about me. This goes a long way. And what we want with regard to day-to-day life is pretty similar.

1. You just take the commitment part of marriage seriously even with all the bad parts (and there can be literal years of bad).

2. The most blissfully married people I know are not married to the most attractive, intelligent, least annoying spouse. But they really seem to act like they’ve hit the jackpot. If you really treasure the other person I don’t think it’s possible to fail.

3. An understanding that you know pretty much nothing about the people around you and the marriages around you, especially when things seem so bad and everybody else seems happy or fine.

4. Lots of grace towards the other person and their mistakes.

5. Laughter, like the other person said.

Re- the person whose marriage fell apart at year 18- I think things can fall apart very quickly no matter how strong the union seems. When my marriage was rocky it was like our bond was very broken. And we are close! I don’t think less of people who end a marriage.

I am somewhat on the other side of a rough patch with DH. Honestly, I think both of us would have been fine in the end if we ended it. But this is better for our kids and I honestly feel really content for now.

We have great communication and always have

We have a deep level of respect for each other

We are both easy going and flexible

We both have jobs that allow us to have an equitable division of labor

We always made time for date nights, nights away, and time together at home without electronics

We laugh a lot. That is my #1. 20+ years in and I think he is still really funny and we share a sense of humor. He can be silly too.

We are both good communicators and neither of us are excessively moody.

We are kind to each other. We get mad or annoyed or disagree, but we really never say anything flat out mean.

He is a highly competent person who I can rely on as a partner and co-parent.

Fit, rich, good hair, big dong.

I had a happy marriage till year 18.