Anonymous wrote:You have a conversation and approach it from a place is empathy.

Give him the homecoming you want. Then at a separate point, sit down, show him or don't show him the photo, but say "hey, I saw a photo of you smoking on your trip. What's going on?" And open the conversation from there.

This is the best advice in the thread.

Tell him he must quit for employability and dating marketability. It's not accepted anymore.

When you send a teenager away to a foreign country, I think you should completely assume they will drink and smoke. They are less supervised and social norms are really different. You also have no idea if this picture is a one off or he is smoking daily. Honestly, I think you need to simmer down.

Let him come home. Be happy to see him. Give it a week and then bring up that you know he was smoking and want to discuss how much he was doing it and whether he needs some sort of help in quitting.

Add me to the list of people that smoked socially a bit from age 13-22. It was completely stupid. I am appalled with myself. I was also a kid with super high grades that finished at an Ivy League law school. Luckily, I never had an trouble quitting because it was just a social thing and apparently I’m not someone that easily gets addicted to nicotine.

Don’t worry. With the cost of a pack of cigarettes in the US, your kid won’t be able to afford smoking here (unless you’re one of those ridiculous parents giving your teen an allowance).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better than vaping.

Honestly, I agree with this. My response to vaping would be worse than an actual cigarette.

I wonder if OP's son was in an international program? That would make sense to me if he started smoking since cigarettes are more prevalent there.

+1. If he’s an international program, it may be weird not to smoke. Learning how to socially smoke can be important depending on the context. It’s like learning how to drink socially. If I’m on a job interview and everyone is ordering drinks, I know how to order and drink in a way where I stay absolutely sharp during the interview, but look like I fit in. If your son wants that skill, it’s a good one to learn. Some people don’t want those skills, and that’s fine too. But really, it should be his decision.

PPs stressing about the legality. Did OP say her child is in the US?

Well, you could take the approach that my father-in-law's Dad did when his Dad caught him smoking in HS. He made him eat the cigarettes. Father-in-law never smoked again...

Seriously though. I think it's worth having a conversation about it and expressing your concerns. Drinking, smoking, vaping, etc...all negatives from a health standpoint...Good Luck.

Anonymous wrote:Better than vaping.

Honestly, I agree with this. My response to vaping would be worse than an actual cigarette.

I wonder if OP's son was in an international program? That would make sense to me if he started smoking since cigarettes are more prevalent there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean I get it bc we all know smoking is terrible. But…when did every poster here have their first cigarette? Bc I don’t know a soul who didn’t try it by 17.

Everyone is always handwringing about how much teens nowadays are unsocial introverted screen zombies with no friends or romantic interests, but then when their teens do totally normal teen things that we all did in the 90s while socializing, they act like their kids are ruined. If your teens are out and living life, this is going to happen. Keep having conversations, or I guess lock your kids up and they can stare at their phones where they are “safe” ?

To your first paragraph… seriously? Never is when I first smoked, and same for my DH, all my siblings, and my good friends from HS. Where/when did you grow up?

But that said, I’d have a conversation after he’s home. You don’t know if it was a one time thing, if he’s already hooked, etc. Start with just talking to him.

Something like seventy percent of teens had tried smoking in the 90s so unless you are very young, you are in the minority in your experience.

Anonymous wrote:DS 17 (high school junior) spent the school year away on a prestigious study program. It’s a scholarship program where there is an expected standard of behavior.
He is returning home in a few days and I was just presented irrefutable evidence that he’s been smoking cigarettes.
I don’t want to ruin his homecoming after being gone so long, but I am seriously angry.
My initial reaction is to call him up and tell him I know he’s been smoking and that he’s completely lost my trust, but I’m holding off until I calm down a bit.
How would you handle this???

Lock him in a closet and make him smoke an entire carton.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean I get it bc we all know smoking is terrible. But…when did every poster here have their first cigarette? Bc I don’t know a soul who didn’t try it by 17.

Everyone is always handwringing about how much teens nowadays are unsocial introverted screen zombies with no friends or romantic interests, but then when their teens do totally normal teen things that we all did in the 90s while socializing, they act like their kids are ruined. If your teens are out and living life, this is going to happen. Keep having conversations, or I guess lock your kids up and they can stare at their phones where they are “safe” ?

To your first paragraph… seriously? Never is when I first smoked, and same for my DH, all my siblings, and my good friends from HS. Where/when did you grow up?

But that said, I’d have a conversation after he’s home. You don’t know if it was a one time thing, if he’s already hooked, etc. Start with just talking to him.

Really? Not that PP but this was also true for me and I was a "goody 2 shoes" kid. Graduated in suburban CT in the late 90s. I had tried my first cigarette my senior year in highschool and then socially smoked verrry occasionally in college and my early 20s until the law went unto effect outlawing smoking indoors in bars/restaurants.

So much more common back then. My roommate in college (small liberal arts college) smoked a lot and it was a common "punishment" for kids in college caught drinking to in their dorm room to have to walk around sweeping the piles of cigarette butts at all the dorm entrances.

Anonymous wrote:I mean I get it bc we all know smoking is terrible. But…when did every poster here have their first cigarette? Bc I don’t know a soul who didn’t try it by 17.

Everyone is always handwringing about how much teens nowadays are unsocial introverted screen zombies with no friends or romantic interests, but then when their teens do totally normal teen things that we all did in the 90s while socializing, they act like their kids are ruined. If your teens are out and living life, this is going to happen. Keep having conversations, or I guess lock your kids up and they can stare at their phones where they are “safe” ?

To your first paragraph… seriously? Never is when I first smoked, and same for my DH, all my siblings, and my good friends from HS. Where/when did you grow up?

But that said, I’d have a conversation after he’s home. You don’t know if it was a one time thing, if he’s already hooked, etc. Start with just talking to him.

It’s disgusting and I get how you feel. But I’d let him get back and see how he is. It may have been something he did a couple of times, in which case it’s stupid but not terrible.
If he comes back and isn’t sneaking out to smoke you’ll know that’s all it was.
If he is smoking once he’s home, then you can bring it up.
I smoked as a teen because I thought it was cool. It lasted like 3 months from what I remember.

He is a teen - teens are known for pushing boundaries as they explore the world and develop their own individual self. They also like to fit in. Most teens have smoked or drank before the legal age.

I am not sure where your rage is coming from. Do you expect perfection? He isn't an extension of you, he is his own person. He made a poor decision health wise but developmentally normal decision age wise.

Your overreaction is more concerning than his behaviour. You can be disappointed that he decided to do something that is bad for his health but it shouldn't be affecting you this much. He is 17 and off on his own being independent as he grows into adulthood - college is likely next. He is going to make decisions that are different than decisions that you made at his age and that is okay. You likely also made some decisions that were the same as what your parents did.

You have a conversation and approach it from a place is empathy.

Give him the homecoming you want. Then at a separate point, sit down, show him or don't show him the photo, but say "hey, I saw a photo of you smoking on your trip. What's going on?" And open the conversation from there.