My parents were/are abusive narcissists. I try very hard not to repeat their mistakes. I have failed in some aspects (yelled abusively, and I once pushed one of my kids - this memory still causes me so much shame). But overall I am loving, attentive, attuned, listening, honest, caring, open, and as helpful as I can be.

Not having a model to emulate - and in fact, having a model I have to do everything opposite of - is very challenging. I am fortunate that my husband grew up with very loving, stable parents, and that this behavior is natural for him. I have had to unlearn, and learn, so much in adulthood to essentially not become my parents and it’s been pretty tiring, but very worth it.

Anonymous wrote:I don't spank.

This. Or slap, or pinch, or whack with a spatula because that's what's close to hand.

I am defiant about not hitting kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

We encouraged our kid to try new things and do activities. We changed if they didn't like it. Lost money. Let up if it wasn't working, but persisted in having them be engaged, busy (relatively), and find joy in more than sitting around. It worked.

My parents insist to this day that I never did any activities or had hobbies because I refused to. They never exposed me to anything, never encouraged me to try or stick with anything, and I am convinced they didn't want to take me to anything.

Us too. My parents were the same.

Same here, but they couldn't really afford it, so no hard feelings. A lot of things I do differently are because my husband and I are better off.

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

We encouraged our kid to try new things and do activities. We changed if they didn't like it. Lost money. Let up if it wasn't working, but persisted in having them be engaged, busy (relatively), and find joy in more than sitting around. It worked.

My parents insist to this day that I never did any activities or had hobbies because I refused to. They never exposed me to anything, never encouraged me to try or stick with anything, and I am convinced they didn't want to take me to anything.

Us too. My parents were the same.

I buy my kids clothes they want to wear.

We don't have any weird food restrictions like no junk food or no fast food.

I grew up with so many food rules and restrictions. I'd never had McDonald's until I was 16 and able to drive on my own and use my own money. I then got sick as a dog and swore it off for 5 or 6 more years until I learned that I probably got so sick because my body couldn't handle the shock of fast food all at once. It wasn't like a binged out. I ordered a McNuggets happy meal for the first time.

We were only allowed dessert 3 times a year: birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The rest of the time we were offered sugar-free jello or pudding or mom-sicles, which was her version of homemade popsicles (water & pureed fruit). We weren't allowed to eat desserts when we were allowed to attend birthday parties or during our classroom parties. Sometimes my mom, if feeling generous and like we'd been eating cleanly enough, would send a Cocoa Rice Cake with us to have in place of the offered dessert. We were allowed ground beef once a month (93/7 only), non-ground beef twice a month, and lean pork once a week. The rest of the time it was bland chicken or broiled fish. Never anything grilled b/c char = cancer. Everything was cooked very low and any char was cut off before eating.

As you can imagine, this caused all 3 kids to grow up with really effed up views on food. I struggled with binge eating and then anorexia in college once I was out on my own. Both brothers have struggled with their weights in early adulthood. One was able to get things under control in his mid-20s but the other is in his 30s and pretty obese. My mom always shakes her head and says things like "I don't know where I went wrong with you kids" and we roll our eyes.

My mom wasn’t perfect, but she was a good mom. Like her, I encourage my child’s curiosity, and don’t over simplify/use baby talk when little. But unlike my mom, I do try to be there emotionally for my child. My mom was generally dismissive of any big emotions - told me it was all in my head and I was making a big deal about nothing.

I don’t know if it was my mom or dad, or both, but they said “no” a lot of non-essentials - I’m a lot more indulgent with my child.

I also didn’t think either parent did a good job with sibling rivalry. Which is why I only wanted one kid.

Anonymous wrote:I allowed DS to “talk back” to me from the time he could speak. As soon as it was age-appropriate I drove home that he needed to be minimally respectful about it. He caught on easily.

I spent 1/4 of my childhood grounded and banished to my room due to perceived BackTalk to my authoritarian mother. Never again.

To those who will inevitably tell me I raised a brat … no. He never had a tantrum actually. Got good classroom behavior reports in ES. Went on to be a teacher favorite at a big3 and T15 due to his “superlative classroom engagement and contribution to in class debate” every year.

Authoritarianism sucks, as 50% of the country is aware

My parents weren't authoritarian, and I did the same with my kids. DH initially struggled a bit as he was raised in the "no back talk" sort of way, but came around quickly. Both boys learned fast that as long as they were polite and/or respectful, they could push back or argue their position. They're adults now and still that way.

Growing up, my mom taught my sibling and I that being considerate meant putting other people first. I never felt like I could express any needs or wants and always felt insignificant. I struggle with this today, but I am much better. I definitely don't make my kids put everyone else above them (like if they are playing with a toy, and someone asks for it, they know they can finish before handing it over). Guess who I put dead last today? My mom.

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

We encouraged our kid to try new things and do activities. We changed if they didn't like it. Lost money. Let up if it wasn't working, but persisted in having them be engaged, busy (relatively), and find joy in more than sitting around. It worked.

My parents insist to this day that I never did any activities or had hobbies because I refused to. They never exposed me to anything, never encouraged me to try or stick with anything, and I am convinced they didn't want to take me to anything.

This is the big one for me. I spent every weekend of my childhood on my parents boat, antiquing with my parents, going on day trips to cute little towns and so on. Heaven for a 40 something but we were begging to play a sport, take music lesson, art classes, dance! It wasn't the money, it just would have cramped their style.

As a newborn, my mother told everyone not to pick me up when I cried because she didn’t want a cry baby. I was only picked up to be changed or fed.

My babies are basically held nonstop.

My parents abandoned me when I was a teenager - I lived alone. My mother put me in unsafe situations.

I am planning to do the opposite obviously.

-I don't talk about bodies. My parents were obese and always talked about gaining/losing weight and commenting on people's bodies. This might have backfired on me though. My oldest had a little breakdown because she didn't want to be obese when she grew up and couldn't understand why (this sounds stupid as I type it, but she had a more thought out question than this). So now we don't just talk about food making you strong, but also listening to your body when it's full, being active, and not eating too many desserts.

I had a very loving but insecure mother. I refuse to speak negatively about other people l(in general, but especially in front of my children) like she did because it kind of created an insecurity of my own. It's important to think the best of others, otherwise it gives you a bleak and dreary picture of the world. And yes, there are some exceptions to this rule.

No corporal punishment

As a mother I am the polar opposite of my own.

The biggest difference is I am there for all 3 of my daughters and 2 grandsons. My mother can go months without speaking to my kids and grandkids even though we live 3 blocks away.

I don't play favorites or alienate my daughters. My mother is no contact with 3 of her 6 kids.

I am my daughters biggest fan regardless of what they do/did.