Anonymous wrote:Your issue is actually you, but you want your husband to be the solution. You need to be the solution, but in a positive way like new hobbies or volunteering instead of negative ways like an affair.

Absolutely true. YOU need to find the energy and excitement rather than blaming your spouse!!!

You can't expect your marriage (or any one relationship) to provide everything for you. Yes, this phase in life is an absolute slog - you're literally having a midlife crisis. What's the point? Is this all there is? etc....We all go through it.

Start doing things - why do you feel that you have no control over this? Go to more concerts, start taking an art class, go on a trip with a friend, check out a new city, go to restaurants with a food you've never tried, start checking out a local baseball team or get season tickets to something.

It's also ok to have peace and calm in a marriage during this time. Relationships have ups/downs/sideways/curvy periods. Mine changed when the kids got their license and got more "exciting" again. I'm thankful we got through it without putting undue pressure on the quiet times. And without wrecking it by doing something stupid. You're just chasing dopamine. Find it another way.

Gottman institute does couples retreat in many towns, attend one.

Alternatively, travel together ti find more to talk about. Read books, watch sports you twi can talk about. Get more social.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we are in the sandwich if kids and aging parents and both working but I feel like I’m losing myself, not having any fun, and our marriage is suffering as a result.

We don’t really have any issues per se, we get along, etc. we have just stopped enjoying life. Even when we go for dinner or have a date night, or take a trip, I am just bored. DH is also a very calm personality and nothing seems to excite or phase him, and when I get excited about something, he often just nods or shrugs. Bedroom is the same, I want to try new stuff and he just defaults to the same thing every single time.

I just want a little more excitement in our lives, a little more enthusiasm in our interactions, etc.

And before the usual suspects ask, no, I didn’t “get fat” — I am very fit while DH has gained 20 lbs since we met, but he looks fine.

Does anyone understand what I’m talking about?

I love married women like you. You are the perfect target for men like me who love to hit on milfs. Your husband is a boring guy. Life is too short. Have an affair. There are men out there who would love to have fun with you. Dump that idiot. He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you.

Actually OP is the one who doesn't know how lucky she is to have him.

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is actually you, but you want your husband to be the solution. You need to be the solution, but in a positive way like new hobbies or volunteering instead of negative ways like an affair.

+100

Unfortunately so many men and women resort to affairs to fix this.

Anonymous wrote:Yes we are in the sandwich if kids and aging parents and both working but I feel like I’m losing myself, not having any fun, and our marriage is suffering as a result.

We don’t really have any issues per se, we get along, etc. we have just stopped enjoying life. Even when we go for dinner or have a date night, or take a trip, I am just bored. DH is also a very calm personality and nothing seems to excite or phase him, and when I get excited about something, he often just nods or shrugs. Bedroom is the same, I want to try new stuff and he just defaults to the same thing every single time.

I just want a little more excitement in our lives, a little more enthusiasm in our interactions, etc.

And before the usual suspects ask, no, I didn’t “get fat” — I am very fit while DH has gained 20 lbs since we met, but he looks fine.

Does anyone understand what I’m talking about?

Marriage isn't the problem in your case. You need to get a hobby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. To make it worse, H ran up some debt without me knowing and now every spare penny he has after bills goes towards that. So there’s zero money from him for date nights, and it’s just hard to get excited about a date night where I have to plan and pay for everything.

A couple things that helped me:

1. I went on a solo trip for a week. That got me enough excitement I was happy to see my H again.

2. I do have a couple guys I “date”. They know I’m married, but I have great chemistry with them, we’ll go out to a happy hour or for coffee and flirt for an hour. Nothing physical, it’s just nice to be around someone who is interesting and interested in me.

I'm just curious and I'm divorced. I've never cheated on my spouse. Not my jam but where do you find men to "date" if you're married? And you know one day they will want more. Seems like a slippery slope.

Mostly through work.

Had one ask me out via Instagram, we followed each other.

Have you tried talking to your husband or is he expected to be a mind reader?

Anonymous wrote:Same. To make it worse, H ran up some debt without me knowing and now every spare penny he has after bills goes towards that. So there’s zero money from him for date nights, and it’s just hard to get excited about a date night where I have to plan and pay for everything.

A couple things that helped me:

1. I went on a solo trip for a week. That got me enough excitement I was happy to see my H again.

2. I do have a couple guys I “date”. They know I’m married, but I have great chemistry with them, we’ll go out to a happy hour or for coffee and flirt for an hour. Nothing physical, it’s just nice to be around someone who is interesting and interested in me.

I'm just curious and I'm divorced. I've never cheated on my spouse. Not my jam but where do you find men to "date" if you're married? And you know one day they will want more. Seems like a slippery slope.

Same. To make it worse, H ran up some debt without me knowing and now every spare penny he has after bills goes towards that. So there’s zero money from him for date nights, and it’s just hard to get excited about a date night where I have to plan and pay for everything.

A couple things that helped me:

1. I went on a solo trip for a week. That got me enough excitement I was happy to see my H again.

2. I do have a couple guys I “date”. They know I’m married, but I have great chemistry with them, we’ll go out to a happy hour or for coffee and flirt for an hour. Nothing physical, it’s just nice to be around someone who is interesting and interested in me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is actually you, but you want your husband to be the solution. You need to be the solution, but in a positive way like new hobbies or volunteering instead of negative ways like an affair.

I agree with this. You, not your husband, are responsible for your own happiness

Agreed

Agree and not saying this meanly. I was the same. Some of cause could be hormonal shifts of perimenopause (not sure your age)…or just general monotony if the kids raising hamster wheel.
Sounds trite but try to find a hobby. Something you can get excited about and make time for it.
I really think this phase will pass.
You have a good partner so don’t blow up your marrriage chasing a high.

If you have more fun in YOUR life, you won’t look to him for fulfillment. Agree that you should get a hobby. Call your besties from comment and arrange a group video call one Saturday night. It will make you feel young again.

I would start finding fun without him. Take weekend trips with girlfriends or family. Start some hobbies. I take trips with my adult children. Life is way too short to be bored.

Get an AP. Brings a lot of excitement into your life.

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I installed a dating app for fun once just to see what it’s like. Made me happy to be married

Yeah RIGHT
However, do you.