Anonymous
04/15/2025 11:37
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:OP isn't completely wrong. Having kids later in life really does set everyone up for some weird dynamics just like having kids too early has pitfalls of its own.
Even if FIL had saved for retirement, it doesn't mean much. Sure retirement money can help pay for healthcare expenses and i'm home care but it can't buy the emotional support needed in retirement health crisis. FIl will still need help navigating the healthcare system, meeting with doctors, talking to insurance, etc. AND if a Trump like president enters the pictures retirees won't have savings anyway- no social security, no medicare, no 401k because of the tariffs. ALL the planning in the world can't save you from someone like Elon Musi or Trump.
But OP is assuming it's worse for her husband to handle this now when he's 41 than when he's in his 60s. He has young kids now, but he will have his own health crises to deal with in his 60s. There's no convenient time to deal with taking care of your parents. My dad got cancer and was sick for a long time and then died when I was in my 20s. That wasn't convenient either.
Anonymous
04/15/2025 09:31
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
It's selfish to not plan for retirement and expect kids to take care of you. but your husband wouldnt exist if not for his older dad, so maybe consider that wisely...
Anonymous
04/15/2025 09:24
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Its incredibly hard.. Sounds like you need support. But what is going on in your life has nothing to do with other people making the right choices for them.
Anonymous
04/15/2025 09:00
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Parents needing your help happens at any and every age; and any parent may also live their whole life to a ripe old age without ever needing your help.
Anonymous
04/15/2025 08:58
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No, it’s selfish to not provide for your own retirement.
+1
It's selfish and irresponsible to depend on your kids for your retirement.
+2
Let your husband and his sister triage.
Anonymous
04/15/2025 01:41
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
My grandmother had my dad when she was 43 and lived to be in her 90s. Women have had kids in their 40s for centuries.
Anonymous
04/15/2025 00:53
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:I think my kids are pretty happy to exist. Could be wrong.
Plus 1
Anonymous
04/14/2025 23:50
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Everyone’s family age, health, family structure, and genetics is unique. Op, you are only describing your situation.
+ 1. My parents had kids at 33 and 35 and my mother went through a year of desperate illness and hospital stays and died when I was 42, with a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Having kids younger didn’t mean I escaped the sandwich.
My grandparents had my dad at 19 and lived to be 95. They had their hospitalizations and died in the same year as my mother. So my 70-something dad was doing the sandwich illness thing with his parents and wife simultaneously. Again, having kids super young didn’t save him.
It sucks whenever it happens.
It’s called life.
Anonymous
04/14/2025 23:37
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:Everyone’s family age, health, family structure, and genetics is unique. Op, you are only describing your situation.
+ 1. My parents had kids at 33 and 35 and my mother went through a year of desperate illness and hospital stays and died when I was 42, with a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Having kids younger didn’t mean I escaped the sandwich.
My grandparents had my dad at 19 and lived to be 95. They had their hospitalizations and died in the same year as my mother. So my 70-something dad was doing the sandwich illness thing with his parents and wife simultaneously. Again, having kids super young didn’t save him.
It sucks whenever it happens.
Anonymous
04/14/2025 21:57
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:I am just realizing how selfish it is to your kids to wait to have much older parents. DH's dad is 86 and we are 41. He is in declining health and needs a ton of care. He is not financially well off so it is all falling on us/SIL to take care of him. Right now he is in the hospital. This is the second hospital visit this year that has been for a week or more. So SIL and DH need to split time and drive and take care of him. We have 3 young kids (under the age of 10), both work full time and have busy lives.
When my parents are the same age as FIL I will be in my 60s. No kids at home and more easily able to take care of them as they age. The sandwich between elderly parents and young kids is just so hard and unfair to the kids who have to deal with the burden.
Lesson here is to not marry someone with such old parents. Op, you should have chosen differently.
Anonymous
04/14/2025 21:51
Subject: Re:Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:OP says she has young kids at 41. Sounds she needs to practice what she preaches. Another way to look at it is, if she also had her kids young, around 21, they would be nearly grown now, which frees her up to take care of elderly relatives. Judging is two way street.
Op - my FIL had my DH when he was 45. When I am 45 my youngest will be 10 and my oldest will be 15.
Anonymous
04/14/2025 21:24
Subject: Re:Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
OP says she has young kids at 41. Sounds she needs to practice what she preaches. Another way to look at it is, if she also had her kids young, around 21, they would be nearly grown now, which frees her up to take care of elderly relatives. Judging is two way street.
Anonymous
04/14/2025 21:20
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
My MIL had my husband at 23. She’s now 85 and my husband is 62. Sure we don’t have young children but he’s TIRED! He’s trying to make a lot of money in these final working years but his mother has tons of needs (despite being financially UMC). He’s been flying back and forth from the East to West Coast for years. He’s on the phone with her doctors and in-home caregivers daily. He has spent hours and hours vetting rehab centers after surgery. Bottom line: end of life sucks regardless.
Anonymous
04/14/2025 21:16
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel the general IQ of DCUM has plummeted recently. Was it always this full of idiots?
There have been a lot more MAGAs recently.
It’s like an infestation.
This. It’s like the IQ of the Board plummeted just as a whole bunch of MAGAs started coming here with their cult ideology and obvious hatred of women. Sucks
Anonymous
04/14/2025 21:13
Subject: Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond
My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!