Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a really wonderful guy. I like him a lot and definitely can see this turning into something very serious. He’s divorced and my friends keep hammering on about it. They asked me if I’m really serious about him because he is divorced and that means he doesn’t value marriage. He’s also a bit older than me by 6 years. I disagree but I admit it does worry me a little that he married and got divorced so quickly. Is his past divorce a nothing burger or should I worry about commitment?

90% of divorces are initiated by the woman, not the man.

Ah, but how do you know if his version of the divorce is the real story?
If you are disturbed by the speed of his marriage of divorce, let your feelings be your guide.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a really wonderful guy. I like him a lot and definitely can see this turning into something very serious. He’s divorced and my friends keep hammering on about it. They asked me if I’m really serious about him because he is divorced and that means he doesn’t value marriage. He’s also a bit older than me by 6 years. I disagree but I admit it does worry me a little that he married and got divorced so quickly. Is his past divorce a nothing burger or should I worry about commitment?

\

Are any of your friends married? This really is a non issue and if he's as wonderful as you say he is, please ignore friends opinions.

How does one dinner at the end of a weekend, ruin his entire weekend.? Yikes.

Exactly. None of what he’s describing is unreasonable. But it depends on how it was managed. Did he try to discuss it with her? Did he leave her high and dry in the divorce? Nobody has to be doomed to a lifetime of Sunday dinners with in-laws they don’t like. Did he not vet any of this before he popped the question?

The question with divorced people is always what degree of clarity they are able to view the marriage and what ownership do they take if there’s ownership to be taken. If they didn’t learn from the first experience, no matter whose fault it was, they don’t make good partners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people divorce, for lots of reasons. Reasons first marriage could have failed that you might give him a pass on:

Adultery
Financial infidelity
Mental illness
Drug or alcohol addiction
Youthful folly
Differing values that were not exposed before the marriage
etc.

You don't say why he divorced before. Do you know why?

He was married at 28 and divorced by 30. Said all his friends were doing it and the girl he married wanted marriage. He realize 6 months into the marriage he didn’t want to stay married and then got divorced.

Yeah duh, why did he get dirvotced? Because he didn’t want to stay married.

So WHY didn’t he want to stay married or stay married to her?

Does he answers answer key questions by rephrases the words?

He told me it was a number of things. She was pushing for kids right away, her mom was very much in their business, her family tried to dominate his weekends with Sunday dinners. He felt like he didn’t have much say because she ran everything by her mom and her sisters.

So what happened when they had a back and forth conversations about that?
When to have kids, what level of involvement w family of origins? How Sunday dinners bug him and “dominate his weekend”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people divorce, for lots of reasons. Reasons first marriage could have failed that you might give him a pass on:

Adultery
Financial infidelity
Mental illness
Drug or alcohol addiction
Youthful folly
Differing values that were not exposed before the marriage
etc.

You don't say why he divorced before. Do you know why?

He was married at 28 and divorced by 30. Said all his friends were doing it and the girl he married wanted marriage. He realize 6 months into the marriage he didn’t want to stay married and then got divorced.

That was me, married at 30, divorced at 31 after her drug use, financial irresponsibility and adultery. She was around 26 at the time of marriage and hadn't gotten over living like she did at college. Married a much better woman 2 years later, and we've now been married for nearly 20 years. Never looked back on the divorce and very happy with my life and family. Sometimes you just need a trial marriage to learn what you really want. Things change if there are kids involved, and there were not any kids in my situation, just a lot of pets. I was trying to manage the first two vices, but I was out on the third.

Anonymous wrote:No, it's fine. How conservative is your friend group that this is an issue? I'm surprised. Divorce is so common, often for the reasons you describe. My close friends and I have never been divorced, but for us divorce is not anathema. It can happen to good people.

I grew up conservative and I divorced the man I married. It changed me, unfortunately. It’s a major life milestone and one can talk openly about it. It might be helpful to understand it. Or you can speculate on your phone, online

Ehh Proceed w caution

I'm seeing someone 4 years older and we're both young-ish and divorced. We both value marriage a LOT and fought hard for our firsts but ultimately his exwife came out lesbian and my ex-husband fessed up to a 3+ years affair. Sometimes you can be a good person dealt really crappy cards in a marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people divorce, for lots of reasons. Reasons first marriage could have failed that you might give him a pass on:

Adultery
Financial infidelity
Mental illness
Drug or alcohol addiction
Youthful folly
Differing values that were not exposed before the marriage
etc.

You don't say why he divorced before. Do you know why?

He was married at 28 and divorced by 30. Said all his friends were doing it and the girl he married wanted marriage. He realize 6 months into the marriage he didn’t want to stay married and then got divorced.

Yeah duh, why did he get dirvotced? Because he didn’t want to stay married.

So WHY didn’t he want to stay married or stay married to her?

Does he answers answer key questions by rephrases the words?

He told me it was a number of things. She was pushing for kids right away, her mom was very much in their business, her family tried to dominate his weekends with Sunday dinners. He felt like he didn’t have much say because she ran everything by her mom and her sisters.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is a red flag as second and third marriages fail at a much higher rate than first one.

Counterpoint, many people would rather a divorced guy than a never married guy at my age (37). At least divorced guy made a commitment even if it didn’t last. At 37, the never-marrieds are stranger than the once-divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people divorce, for lots of reasons. Reasons first marriage could have failed that you might give him a pass on:

Adultery
Financial infidelity
Mental illness
Drug or alcohol addiction
Youthful folly
Differing values that were not exposed before the marriage
etc.

You don't say why he divorced before. Do you know why?

He was married at 28 and divorced by 30. Said all his friends were doing it and the girl he married wanted marriage. He realize 6 months into the marriage he didn’t want to stay married and then got divorced.

DP
Just take your time and see how it goes.

Divorce is a red flag as second and third marriages fail at a much higher rate than first one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people divorce, for lots of reasons. Reasons first marriage could have failed that you might give him a pass on:

Adultery
Financial infidelity
Mental illness
Drug or alcohol addiction
Youthful folly
Differing values that were not exposed before the marriage
etc.

You don't say why he divorced before. Do you know why?

He was married at 28 and divorced by 30. Said all his friends were doing it and the girl he married wanted marriage. He realize 6 months into the marriage he didn’t want to stay married and then got divorced.

Yeah duh, why did he get dirvotced? Because he didn’t want to stay married.

So WHY didn’t he want to stay married or stay married to her?

Does he answers answer key questions by rephrases the words?