I'm in retirement, my spouse and I were very frugal and often cheap and we have $Ms saved - in both retirement accounts and outside. And now after 30+ years, we can't bring ourselves to spend.

Yes we can leave money to the kids (and we funded college and contributed to weddings and down payments.) Kids are all successful and doing well. One of the kids mentioned they pay for service to come clean their dog's poop out of their yard. My spouse was all "I'm not leaving money to them so they can waste it." And I was like "hmmm, they live a busy life with kids, two working parents and if this makes life easier good for them."

This started a whole (on-going) conversation about what to do with our money. I ran across the quote: "Don't let your death be the most generous thing you do". I am making an attempt to spend on "experiences" - more like a manicure or nicer meal but also travel. But I still have to bargain shop and am constantly thinking "I shouldn't really spend this money."

Long way of saying - I hope you figure this out younger rather than older, bc it doesn't get any easier/better.

Anonymous wrote:Take your savings and name it.

Name it with the thing you intend for one day.

“When’s the party?”

If not today, when, and for what?

DP here. Retirement. Ultimate financial security. F-you money basically.

Anonymous wrote:I used to be like you - really hung up on the price of these insignificant items that don't add up to all that much. It's not like you're buying anything lavish, so I would pick a month where you just buy the things you want, and not fret over it.

At the end of the month, you'll pay off your CC, and because you can afford it and its lumped in with all your other expenses, you literally won't think it twice. You realize how silly it was to get hung up on this $20 item when it didn't matter at all from your budget, and you realize its more valuable and liberating to not be scrounging for pennies when you don't have to.

A lot more liberating to not have so many possessions to put away, organize, sort through, clean and maintain. Owning less is very freeing.

Just because you have the money doesn't mean you need more crap. We have plenty of money, high income, and are minimal-ish. (I don't say minimalist because true minimalists would laugh.)

I hate wasting money but have no problem paying a reasonable price (after shopping around and also waiting to confirm it's not an impulse purchase.) $25 for a water bottle because you or kid literally do not have a water bottle? No problem! $25 for a water bottle because the color is cute or a new brand is trendy now, NO.

I don't pay brand premiums for lululemon, fancy sephora makeup, I don't buy $150 sneakers, etc.

If you truly NEED something and can afford it, you won't feel guilty. You feel guilty because you don't actually need it and therefore it is a waste of money.

Take your savings and name it.

Name it with the thing you intend for one day.

“When’s the party?”

If not today, when, and for what?

I used to be like you - really hung up on the price of these insignificant items that don't add up to all that much. It's not like you're buying anything lavish, so I would pick a month where you just buy the things you want, and not fret over it.

At the end of the month, you'll pay off your CC, and because you can afford it and its lumped in with all your other expenses, you literally won't think it twice. You realize how silly it was to get hung up on this $20 item when it didn't matter at all from your budget, and you realize its more valuable and liberating to not be scrounging for pennies when you don't have to.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the same way, and as long as you are not really depriving yourself, there is nothing wrong with living this way. Americans have been hoodwinked into thinking that spending is a virtue - it’s not.

Well said! I 100% agree!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the same way.

+1

I went to Tyson's Galleria the other day and wanted to barf.

They had mattresses starting at 20k
GTFO

Ah yes the horse hair mattress.
Insanity!

You need to stop heeding the voices in your head that tell you whatever they are telling you that makes you overly frugal. Especially if this behavior is hurting your relationships or family. The voices likely come from your family of origin, and their voices came from something they or their families experienced. Realize that their situations are different than yours, and that you DO have the funds to do what you want to do, and gradually lose the guilt. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does get better.
Congratulations for recognizing the problem and asking for help.

My husband was a child war refugee, and suffered from hunger and extreme deprivation when he was young. Growing up in the refuge country, his parents were forced to be quite frugal until they became lower middle class when he was a teen. Money was always a concern.

He clawed his way up to wealth, but cannot spend it unless it's on his children's education. He pays for private university, but patches his jeans, saves ketchup packets, drives a 20 year old car and grumbles when I buy clothes (on Poshmark, mind you). It's not rational. But it's understandable. And I'd rather he behave that way than be profligate. We live a happy, quirky life together.

OP, I am the same way, and as long as you are not really depriving yourself, there is nothing wrong with living this way. Americans have been hoodwinked into thinking that spending is a virtue - it’s not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

To me that cost for a pizza might be a tad bit too much, I kind of think I don't need nicer stuff. With the $50 jeans, I would love to buy them but just paying that much for one thing isn't worth it for me, so I would rather buy a new pair every year. It's not really about saving money, it's just the cost of specific items and it depends on the item. For example, I could buy $50-$60 shoes but ones over $100 (which most good shoes are) would be too much.

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

Anonymous wrote:Im the same way.

+1

I went to Tyson's Galleria the other day and wanted to barf.

They had mattresses starting at 20k
GTFO

$13 deodorant is absurd!

Maybe I am this too…but really, $13 deodorant! Nope.