Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?

Do nothing and call his bluff.

Plus do three top divorce attorney consult ls so ours ready for anything.

Then sit back and observe.

What makes you think it's a bluff?

Anonymous wrote:Did he say why he wants a divorce? Did he meet someone else, or is he just generally unhappy in the marriage? If it is the former, get out now. If it is the latter, perhaps he is having a mid-life or existential crisis that is not wholly about the marriage. In that case, you need to decide if it worth the effort to convince him to go to counseling, etc.

As if “I’m unhappy, I deserve more,” is an actual reason when you have a spouse, kids and a house.

He’s hiding the real reason. You’ll know eventually, but not now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

Booty calls with the separated spouse once a week? I'm not sure that would appeal to most people. If people were having weekly sex, would they be separating?

But more importantly, how do you stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you and initiates divorce??????

How did he initiate a divorce?

Anonymous wrote:I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?

Do nothing and call his bluff.

Plus do three top divorce attorney consult ls so ours ready for anything.

Then sit back and observe.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your shoes and for a couple of weeks just keeping nmh act together was a real effort. I lost 10 pounds, couldn’t eat (never happens), had a constant pit in my stomach, couldn’t sleep…. I’m sure you know the feeling. But, with time (and being separated and barely speaking) it gave me the space to step back and look at my marriage through a different and more detached lenses. I ended up realizing that i felt really relieved during the separation and in those first couple months i went from feeling blindsided and betrayed to feeling better than i have in years. Of course divorce stinks and is a totally awful time, but the stress of tiptoeing around an a-hole for decades is awful too.

I highly recommend the following:
- personal therapist ASAP
- figure out how to make calls to lawyers without him knowing (work phone, burner app, etc)
- consult at LEAST 3 divorce attorneys
- have a financial plan - do you have a separate bank account? How would you pay for a lawyer? Make sure you have a credit card that he doesn’t know about
- loop in a few close friends and family members, you’ll need people to lean on
- start snooping as much as possible to see if there’s an AP involved. Knowledge is power. It sucks, but you need to know

There's a lot of really good advice here.

OP, I'm sorry. Ive been there. DH told me he wanted a divorce and left immediately. I was in shock – I never saw it coming. If I had a do-over, I still wouldn't see it coming. I fought it initially, but eventually realized that there was no point, he was long gone. I continue to mourn the destruction of my family and the life I thought I had and I really struggle with intrusive thoughts about some of the stuff he said on the way out the door. It wasn't enough for him to blow up my future, he had to crap all over our decades of shared past, too.

I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I was both terrified and full of rage and could barely function more than absolutely necessary to keep things as normal as possible for our kids in the aftermath of their father noping out on our family.

Get a therapist, ASAP. Just for you. You need someone with whom you can let it all out. It was one of my first calls.

Get some attorney recommendations and meet with at least 3. It doesn't oblige you to do anything immediately. They will all do an 60-90 minute consult and walk you through the situation. The first one will be a haze. I cried the whole time. By the third one, you will feel less like you're drowning.

Take a good look at your finances, shared and separate. The lawyers will ask about this.

Figure out your inner circle. These need to be ride-or-die friends who have no loyalty to him whatsoever and will keep everything in the vault. Also people who will not use your pain as entertainment for others. No drama llamas.

I don't know how much or how you're communicating with him, but try to take as much emotion out of it as possible. I very quickly asked for no calls or texts (unless it was a kid-related emergency) and to please communicate only via email. It's easier to pause and gather your thoughts and not react with emotion. It's also a record that you can refer back to and share with your lawyer, and the court, should that ultimately become necessary. It helped me in a lot of ways. I didn't want the divorce and desperately, ultimately futilely, hoped he would change his mind and agree to counseling, so it was helpful for me to know that the phone ringing was not going to be him. The text that came in was not going to be him. It really helped me retrain my brain and de-center him in my life.

I'm just so sorry. It has been the hardest time in my life. It sucks.

Did he say why he wants a divorce? Did he meet someone else, or is he just generally unhappy in the marriage? If it is the former, get out now. If it is the latter, perhaps he is having a mid-life or existential crisis that is not wholly about the marriage. In that case, you need to decide if it worth the effort to convince him to go to counseling, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

You have a weird idea of what’s good for kids.

Take him seriously, see three lawyers, and get yourself a therapist. Take care of yourself. If there is a way to save the marriage that doesn't compromise your dignity, give it a chance if you have young kids.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

Bizarre advice. Did you even read the post? OP is not the one who wants out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

Booty calls with the separated spouse once a week? I'm not sure that would appeal to most people. If people were having weekly sex, would they be separating?

But more importantly, how do you stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you and initiates divorce??????

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

Booty calls with the separated spouse once a week? I'm not sure that would appeal to most people. If people were having weekly sex, would they be separating?

Anonymous wrote:I have been having a meltdown since he told me and I can’t sleep. Does anyone have any good marriage advice in addition to going to therapy ?

Take him at his word. He has clearly been preparing for this. See a lawyer and get informed. The rest can wait.

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer and file first.

What is the strategy behind this advice?

For all you know AP is pregnant. Or he loves them deeply. Hanging out without divorce are not in his plan.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t divorce if you have kids. You owe to your kids to remain married. Just separate and regulatly meet for dinners and spend time together with the kids. Be good coparents. Oh and be sure to meet for booty calls weekly or whatever works for both of you. While this is not conventional, it is still better than divorce.

This is weird advice. If hanging out cordially, working as a team for the kids, and having regular sex together are all possible, you should just... Stay married. 🧐