Yes.

Signed,
Someone who stayed with her high functioning husband too long and greatly regrets it.

I could write this. I don't have answers, but want you to know that you're not alone. I made the choice to stay with my husband. Kids are now in college and I don't think I'll ever divorce him.

I still love my husband, flawed person that he is. He is kind and loves us deeply when sober. He's never violent or angry - honestly he's just really sad. He disappears into his study each evening to "watch tv" and basically drink himself numb.

Sending you virtual hugs. I know that the answer to your problem isn't as straightforward as many people on this message board think.

Divorce

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are other virtual support groups. Reddit is great for this.

Have you discussed his drinking with him? I actually turned it all around when my dh lightly brought up my drinking. It’s obviously a choice individuals have to make, but knowing he supported me was key. There are meds that can really help. I credit naltrexone with a lot. I wish it were easier to get as I currently can’t get Kaiser to prescribe it (it’s a cheap drug! Kaiser is just super cheap).

Yes I discussed his drinking problem with him a thousand times. He even went to 5-6 AA meetings, after first meeting he was like "yeah, I have no control over alcohol", after the first month, he stopped going, and uses the people at the AA meetings as evidence that he is "not alcoholic", because people at his AA meetings are "waaay worse".

A program that my family member liked better than AA was Kolmac. It was approved by our health insurance. All outpatient/online. You do not have to wait, nor should you wait, until there is an alcohol related incident.

I don't know if they have family/spouse support, but it's a good option for your husband directly.

https://www.kolmac.com/

Anonymous wrote:There are other virtual support groups. Reddit is great for this.

Have you discussed his drinking with him? I actually turned it all around when my dh lightly brought up my drinking. It’s obviously a choice individuals have to make, but knowing he supported me was key. There are meds that can really help. I credit naltrexone with a lot. I wish it were easier to get as I currently can’t get Kaiser to prescribe it (it’s a cheap drug! Kaiser is just super cheap).

Yes I discussed his drinking problem with him a thousand times. He even went to 5-6 AA meetings, after first meeting he was like "yeah, I have no control over alcohol", after the first month, he stopped going, and uses the people at the AA meetings as evidence that he is "not alcoholic", because people at his AA meetings are "waaay worse".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO its better to get out when he's financially stable. Before there's an incident that jeopardizes your future or his earnings.

That could be a long time from now, right? His disgusting lying alcoholic dad finally quit drinking (supposedly) after almost died from heart failure at 70. So basically, my husband may remain high functioning until 70. No one will understand my pain until then. - OP

No, that could happen at anytime. Tomorrow he could cause and accident or have some kind of work related incident.

There are other virtual support groups. Reddit is great for this.

Have you discussed his drinking with him? I actually turned it all around when my dh lightly brought up my drinking. It’s obviously a choice individuals have to make, but knowing he supported me was key. There are meds that can really help. I credit naltrexone with a lot. I wish it were easier to get as I currently can’t get Kaiser to prescribe it (it’s a cheap drug! Kaiser is just super cheap).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I write this?

Yes, you should call it quits. And as part of any custody agreement fight for him to have to test sober more than twice a day if he has the kids.

My situation also involved anger when he was drinking, so that helped tip the balance in terms of urgency.

I think there must be more women in this situation than people realize. There are tons of high functioning alcoholics in the DMV area. Do I need to provide evidence that he's often drunk at night to the court? - OP

PP here. I think you need to check in with a lawyer to get a good sense of your options, given your particular situation, including how much he drinks and his behavior when he drinks, and whether and what evidence or documentation might be helpful. That exercise might help you pull you out of the swirl of indecision.

He will start drinking at work. Or get caught impaired. DUI. He will be drunk and endanger the kids at home.
You don't need your alcoholic family for support. They set you up to accept this as long as you have.
AlAnon has daytime phone or Zoom meetings. You will hear your story if you go to a few.

Anonymous wrote:Did I write this?

Yes, you should call it quits. And as part of any custody agreement fight for him to have to test sober more than twice a day if he has the kids.

My situation also involved anger when he was drinking, so that helped tip the balance in terms of urgency.

I think there must be more women in this situation than people realize. There are tons of high functioning alcoholics in the DMV area. Do I need to provide evidence that he's often drunk at night to the court? - OP

Did I write this?

Yes, you should call it quits. And as part of any custody agreement fight for him to have to test sober more than twice a day if he has the kids.

My situation also involved anger when he was drinking, so that helped tip the balance in terms of urgency.

Anonymous wrote:Realize if you get divorced, he will probably get unsupervised overnight time with them, up to 50/50.

Even if you put in the agreement that the parent won't drink while the children are present, you know he will do so probably every night.

Just something to weigh against staying married and having the kids be affected by a dysfunctional situation.

Is it worse (at least while they are young) for them to be in a literally dangerous situation where you aren't around as a protective buffer?

I am thinking about the option (if this is even an option) to just stay in this horrible situation until my kids graduate high school. I can live in a separate room as my husband, and at night when he does his drinking, I will just not engage with him at all. But at the same time, I want to leave, because I am still young and I still believe in love, and I would like to re-marry if I am divorced (i know dating as a divorce mom must be hard though but it's better to do it now than wait another 10 years, right?), I want a future. I don't want to die feeling lonely like I am feeling now.

Realize if you get divorced, he will probably get unsupervised overnight time with them, up to 50/50.

Even if you put in the agreement that the parent won't drink while the children are present, you know he will do so probably every night.

Just something to weigh against staying married and having the kids be affected by a dysfunctional situation.

Is it worse (at least while they are young) for them to be in a literally dangerous situation where you aren't around as a protective buffer?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave if you can. You and your kids deserve better. He will lie to you about anything and everything. He will steal money from you and put you and your children in danger.

OP again, he haven't gotten to that point yet, he might eventually. At this point, he's still reliable financially, he is successful in his career. This complicates things for me, because no one else (including my mom) understands my pain, they see him as a successful, hardworking and loving person. They don't see him at night, or all the lies he told me in my face. I feel really lonely in this.

Can you get to Al-Anon by hiring babysitters for the kids? I'm the PP with an alcoholic husband and there's no way for me to logistically go except during the workday / school day. But if you can, people there understand your pain.

I will go to Al-Anon, they have virtual meetings too. I will see if Al-Anon will help. I've heard about them before. Thanks. - OP

Anonymous wrote:IMO its better to get out when he's financially stable. Before there's an incident that jeopardizes your future or his earnings.

That could be a long time from now, right? His disgusting lying alcoholic dad finally quit drinking (supposedly) after almost died from heart failure at 70. So basically, my husband may remain high functioning until 70. No one will understand my pain until then. - OP