I fundamentally and whole-heartedly disagree that "it's always ok to ask." Asking shifts the burden to the other person. It's hard to say no once someone asks you for something. There are things that it's ok to ask for and things you should rein yourself in over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

I think it's shitty to call one of them "guess culture." That doesn't ring true to me. One is ask culture. The other is "don't impose" culture. Or "expect only what you'd want expected of you" culture. Or "be very thoughtful of the other person" culture. It's not about guessing.

Anonymous wrote:Are all the complainers also the same people that say, "you're welcome anytime"? Because I don't take that literally but it would be your fault if others do.

This. Same with the "I simply can't chauffeur my kid's friend anymore" whiner. They're probably the passive-aggressive "oh, it's no trouble!" to someone's face, but then they come here and whinge about how they're "being taken advantage of".

Victimese isn't an adult language.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the parents may not even notice or care to notice because they're too overwhelmed. One of our neighbors have 6 kids and 2 working parents, and the youngest 2 were constantly at my house after school. Then I talked to another neighbor on the street was mentioning that the same 2 kids were always at her house. I'm not sure when those two kids were ever home. Just say no if it doesn't work for you and move on.

All this proves is that you were both exaggerating.

Anonymous wrote:It's hardest when it's a close neighbor. Sometimes, my kid runs out the door to one friend's house before I can stop them. I am constantly inviting their kid over, but my kid is at their house more than they are at mine because my kid is more aggressive about the friendship. I would have no problem if their mom sent my kid home if they were busy.

Me too. I wouldn’t say that my child is running out of the house, but he asks if he can play with his friend, and his friend prefers to play at her house.
I’ve asked the mom multiple times if it’s okay, and she always says that she loves having DS there.
Are you supposed to tell your child that they can’t play with their friend because maybe they are being annoying but no one will say anything about it?

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

Yep, this. Also, it’s the way many generations grew up. “ Come in when you get hungry, or when the street lights come on.” They might not be thinking of it as a “play date” with you providing supervision. In your place, I would set some limits — in a pleasant way.

My friend does this with her kid and I have secondhand embarrassment over it. Her kid is super high energy and pretty difficult to be around (IMO), so even though she says it's just a really good neighborhood friendship, I'm sure she also likes the break and will remain clueless about how it's impacting the other family until they tell her. She is blissfully unaware right now. I've been at their house early Saturday mornings and he's begging to go down the street. He goes as early as they let him and stays until they ask him to go home.

I would start sending the kid away with a message "Ask your mom to text me first next time."

we used to have a family that would send their kids over early every saturday morning!

we hadn't even eaten breakfast! they were happy to have their kids spend all day at our house.

Start walking the child home every time it happens.

Are all the complainers also the same people that say, "you're welcome anytime"? Because I don't take that literally but it would be your fault if others do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

This is an excellent resource OP! It just really helped me understand someone I interact with frequently.

People suck. Just keep sending the kid home until maybe they get the clue. We have a family like this in the neighborhood as well and it's annoying. The final straw for me was when the kid said they didn't like what we were having for dinner and wanted me to make them something else. I told them to go home and since then have kept interactions limited. My twins don't really like her much so we're all fine with her not being here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

I was just going to post this!! I read about this years ago and it really helped me understand myself versus my husband.

That said, I’m an asker and I would never constantly ask someone to host my kids. These folks may not be doing it deliberately (I have no idea), but they lack social skills if they can’t see that this is ridiculous. In fact, I am often “asking” and inviting people to our house.

Anonymous wrote:In their minds it's not taking advantage, because they don't think that the burden of refusal placed on you is making you suffer. Lots of people are like this, OP! My own husband among them. I've had to talk to him about it several times. He treats others like he would himself - he doesn't mind saying no, so he doesn't imagine saying no would be a problem for someone else.

It’s called Ask vs Guess culture. It’s a life changing thing to understand. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/