OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

I’m confused isn’t he asking how to be intimate without sex?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned a few times before, but let it go.

For sure, kids and work add stress elements. And I could make increased efforts household chores. However, I want make sure intimacy is meaningful for her.

Is it possible to bring intimacy up, subtly and without pressure, while addressing other possible contributors?

You are ignoring the elephant in the room. If sex is not pleasurable for her then she has zero incentive to participate.

Intimacy is not equal to sex

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are you intimate, touching, cuddling, etc. in a NON-SEXUAL manner? Without any expectations or pressure that it will turn sexual and without any “escalating” on your part? She sounds like she’s low drive, but I think you should try baby steps to getting more physical contact in general with the goal of getting her to be more comfortable. Hand holding, back rubs, putting your arm around her on the couch, all that kind of stuff and keep it very G rated.

This advice falls into the do more chores category. Good to try but temper expectations. Often claiming lack of non sexual contact or chores is just a diversion/defensive response to let herself off the hook and redirect fault towards you. Both are obviously relationship responsibilities but there’s not a defined level of either where she cant continue saying “maybe it would be different if you did more”

WHAT?

You’re saying you shouldn’t touch your wife unless you are trying to have sex?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?

Seriously!

This. No wonder she is over it!

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?

It sounds to me like they did address it. She is more or less asexual. He knew that even when they were dating.

I’m confused about what it is that he wants to “address.” Is he proposing to change her sexual orientation 20 years into marriage?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?

Seriously!

HOW are they supposed to address this?!

It depends on how much they have tried already. Sounds like not much. But yes this seems the obvious issue. Start here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?

Seriously!

HOW are they supposed to address this?!

See a sex therapist, look into hormones, be really kind to her, complimentary, non sexual touch daily , lots of long hugs. Any abuse in her past? What does she say about it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned a few times before, but let it go.

For sure, kids and work add stress elements. And I could make increased efforts household chores. However, I want make sure intimacy is meaningful for her.

Is it possible to bring intimacy up, subtly and without pressure, while addressing other possible contributors?

You are ignoring the elephant in the room. If sex is not pleasurable for her then she has zero incentive to participate.

+1.

I could suggest the book “Come as You Are,” but I doubt your wife would follow the advice suggested in the book if she has never even had a single O in her life, so the otherwise-great book won’t help.

Just buy her a V. Even CVS sells “wand-type” V’s, and you can pay cash if you are embarrassed. Or Spencer’s gifts. Just do it. Wrap the box up as a present (make sure it’s fully charged first).

Pleased don’t feel threatened if she prefers to try it alone. Maybe, if you are lucky, she might later get more comfortable incorporating it later into lovemaking (you might try encouraging her to try that).

Hopefully she takes the gift the right way: you want her to have something devoted singly and solely to HER pleasure, you want her to be happy, and you feel her pleasure is important, because you love her.

No pot or alcohol issues. Conservative (not crazy), but can be spontaneous in other contexts.

Apologies for the typos. Too much reliance on Grammarly. English is the first language and only language we speak.

Anonymous wrote:I feel very sad for her! That really should be the focus here. Sex can be shameful for many women. It seems that English isn't your first language - does culture and religion come into play here? Clearly she needs therapy to help work through whatever is holding her back.
Does she drink or do pot? That can help to get her to relax/lower inhibitions at first, while you're in therapy.
Romance and emotional intimacy come BEFORE physical intimacy, so please be sure you're doing those things.
Carry your weight with the kids and the house. Don't act like a child she needs to take care of. None of these things are attractive.

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned a few times before, but let it go.

For sure, kids and work add stress elements. And I could make increased efforts household chores. However, I want make sure intimacy is meaningful for her.

Is it possible to bring intimacy up, subtly and without pressure, while addressing other possible contributors?

You are ignoring the elephant in the room. If sex is not pleasurable for her then she has zero incentive to participate.

I mentioned a few times before, but let it go.

For sure, kids and work add stress elements. And I could make increased efforts household chores. However, I want make sure intimacy is meaningful for her.

Is it possible to bring intimacy up, subtly and without pressure, while addressing other possible contributors?

Anonymous wrote:She said that maybe once on her. When I asked her, she claims that “her parts don’t work like that.”

thanks try oral occasionally, but it’s awkward for her and discourages. Although I do think it finds some pleasure.

How should I bring up a v?

I ask her about like and desires, and the response is much more than clean shave and gentle.

This sounds like maybe something she said just to eliminate pressure to orgasm during sex. But I also, personally, think her orgasms are her business. If she doesn't want you to try to give her one, that's okay. There are few things worse in a sexual encounter than someone insisting that you try to get there if you don't want to/can't.

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?

Seriously!