I agree with PPs. Just do it. If you ask she will say no but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need or want help. Also maybe start bringing grocery staples over, similar to “grief groceries.” She is grieving the loss of her marriage and old life.

It is fascinating to me that some people think you should ask permission rather than just picking up the dirty diapers and throwing them away. And loading some dishes.

From my perspective, you should just do it. And then, when she can look around at a house that is cleaner, she might feel less overwhelmed and be able to have a conversation about seeing a doctor for some short term depression meds.

I would not really give my sister the option of leaving dirty diapers on the floor. Now, if she told me not to touch her dirty laundry, then ok. But throwing away dirty diapers and take out containers just would not be optional. And I wouldn’t even talk about it, I would just do it.

Can you treat her to a session of house cleaners? Just frame it as you’d like to treat her as a way to give her a break. Don’t say it’s because her house is a disaster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and whoever is going to help go over (ideally including someone to watch the children. You tell her privately that the state of the house could lose her the children. You also tell her that she and the children deserve to live in a clean environment. You tell her that she can help, she can go somewhere else, or she can go into a room and close the door. You tell her you love her. You say it all without judgment. And then you just do it.

You also need to do everything in your power to get her into therapy. I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling in that situation.

Do not threaten her with losing the kids. When you are over, help clean up.

It's not a threat, it's a wake up call that she needs to hear. Divorces with APs often turn nasty, and she cannot have the house like that. Sister has to accept help with the house and she has to get therapy. She has been dealt the worst of hands, but fortunately has a supportive family to help her. If she is resisting all entreaties she needs to hear how dire the situation is.

Do not make threats and do not force things. Do NOT call CPS! Help her feel in control and capable. Be kind. Give her choices. Would she prefer you do laundry or dishes instead of can I clean up? Sure if you see a dirty diaper throw it out or if the baby needs a change tell her you can do it. Ask her if she prefers you bring this favorite meal of hers or that favorite. Make sure it's healthy. If she is feeling lousy she needs all the nutrients she can get, not a bunch of chemicals in mac and cheese. Try to read her cues and see what choices bring relief and what just makes her feel worse. A messy house is not a catastrophe.

Anonymous wrote:You need to call child protective services.

How about calling the police to throw husband in jail for abandoning his family and responsibilities?
that sounds more fair

Anonymous wrote:You and whoever is going to help go over (ideally including someone to watch the children. You tell her privately that the state of the house could lose her the children. You also tell her that she and the children deserve to live in a clean environment. You tell her that she can help, she can go somewhere else, or she can go into a room and close the door. You tell her you love her. You say it all without judgment. And then you just do it.

You also need to do everything in your power to get her into therapy. I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling in that situation.

Do not threaten her with losing the kids. When you are over, help clean up.

Poor thing. She is depressed, and overwhelmed, and grief stricken. Betrayal trauma does that. I was too when I was betrayed, but my kids were older.
Go there weekly to help. She needs it. Tell her to go take a long hot shower, then you clean the house for an hour (and bring your 10yo+ kids to help bag up trash, load dishwasher.).
Also gift her a once a month cleaning lady.

Then help her find a good lawyer so she doesn’t get taken advantage of in divorce, due to her grief.
Enlist more family or friends to help. Probably too much for just you.

- You show up with carb-y comfort food like mac and cheese or pasta alfredo and chicken nuggets. Get enough for two meals at least for her and the kids.
- Feed her and the children.
- Put on TV show for the kids. Make her lie down on the sofa.
- Take out all the trash from all the rooms and bathroom. Take out the trash. Line the trashbin with new liners.
- Collect laundry and start one load.
- Run the dishwasher at least one load.
- Water plants. Feed the pets if there are pets.
- Make sure that she is taking her multi-vitamins and any medicine she normally take. Otherwise, she might fall sick.

I really don't know how much time and money you have. If it was my sister. I would move in with her. Get a cleaning lady to come and clean her house. Get a laundry service to wash and fold her laundry. Clean her fridge and start making her nutritious food and drink. Get a baby sitter to also come and look after her kids under your supervision so that she can just sleep for some time and you are also with her. In other words, household chores, baby sitting and food would be the help you would provide for a week or 10 days to at least triage the situation.

It will be a long road for her. I feel sorry for her.

I agree with those telling you to just clean. Don’t ask, just do. Start picking diapers off the floor, and doing laundry or putting away already washed laundry. Pull out clothes that obviously don’t fit.

Sounds like depression from both the marriage issue as well as post partum. She needs someone who won’t GAF if she has a messy house or if she says no I don’t need help. She does. You know she does and she knows she does, but she’s not in a state of mind to be rational about it. Help her get outside, get bad food out of the fridge and maybe help with some meal prep if you’re inclined.

She needs help and if you/your family can assist, then I’m sure she’d be grateful.

Anonymous wrote:You need to call child protective services.

You need to gtfooh. BTW, they aren't going to give a sh*t about a messy house.

Op needs to do whatever she can to help support her sister first.

You need to call child protective services.

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you just do it? Like go visit while she's doing stuff, hanging with the kids, whatever, and spend a couple hours cleaning up and doing dishes? Maybe if you didn't have to ask, she wouldn't have to accept, but would appreciate it. Depends on your relationship though.

If she does not have permission, OP should NOT go over there and just start sorting through her sister's stuff and cleaning up. The last thing a person with depression needs is someone imposing their will on them. Work with her. Empower her. Don't treat her like she is incapable of anything.

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear I ‘m so sorry. The sudden change from neat freak to diaperland spells serious depression. Your whole family needs to plan an intervention. She needs serious help asap.

This is not a first step. A first step is having a heart to heart, letting her know you are there for her and it's normal to feel depressed over this situation. It's also normal to get help and if she feels too overwhelmed to start therapy, she can start with medication. I don't say that flippantly, but this is an emergency situation. Surrounding her with a confrontation by "loved ones" and pushing her to get intensive help this second could throw her right over the edge. First you need to see if you can gentle get her starting the process.

Regarding the house, take baby steps. Maybe while you are there you can ask if you can do a few things. Let her feel in control when her life is out of control. Ask permission and respect her wishes. See if she will allow little bits of help. If you impose a housekeeper or anything else, you think she needs it will feel like yet another person making her feel powerless and inferior.

It's clear you care so much. If it starts to get overwhelming, consider seeing a therapist for you to guide you in ways to be there for her that help her feel empowered and not like a loser and also you can figure out your own boundaries so this doesn't eat you up.

You and whoever is going to help go over (ideally including someone to watch the children. You tell her privately that the state of the house could lose her the children. You also tell her that she and the children deserve to live in a clean environment. You tell her that she can help, she can go somewhere else, or she can go into a room and close the door. You tell her you love her. You say it all without judgment. And then you just do it.

You also need to do everything in your power to get her into therapy. I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling in that situation.