I’d try to understand where she’s coming from. even if you think it’s a bonkers accusation, hear her out. Being open to listening can open a door to a relationship.

You may want to seek therapy to process your own feelings around this.

OP again -

First - thank you to everyone for your responses.

Yeah - even when you try to do things opposite of your own parents, sometimes it still doesn't work out.

Regarding the word "pathetic" - I am not sure why she chose this word. I used to work as an attorney but then I became a SAHM because my other child has special needs. At this point, we have not communicated in at least 3-4 months. Recently, I had a birthday and not even a "happy birthday" text. Initially, I thought that this was a phase, but the situation is persisting even 1-2 years later. When the situation first started, we didn't even have a fight - just a normal day.

That's how human race survives, we all think we can be better parents and try our best to have kids to prove it but then kids grow up and give a bad review assuming they'll do better. Circle of life.

Anonymous wrote:I can commiserate. DD is 18 & a senior, & I have whiplash - one day she is sweet & affectionate, the next she absolutely hates me (& DH). The days she hates us outnumber the others by a big margin. DH & I are pretty typical parents - albeit a little boring - who love her & each other, provide a nice normal life, go to all of her events, support all of her passions, have fun & joke around, no abuse/drugs/neglect/etc.
We are both kind of bewildered honestly where the hate comes from.

It’s textbook “shi**ing the nest,” which enables our kids to separate from us before they leave. My brother’s guidance counselor actually warned my parents about it during his senior year, and sure enough, he was a bit of a beast (which resolved, and now they gave a great relationship).

I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening with OP’s DD. It could be an extreme version of it. But OP’s daughter is being cruel - all of her own insecurities are being protected/scapegoated onto her mother. It’s possible she’s suffering from undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and this is how it’s manifesting.

So, she’s 19 and in a good college. Will she be coming home for the summer or has she found a job or internship in another city? If she is coming home, she mustn’t hate her home life too much. JMHO.

Her term “pathetic“ is an odd choice. What do you think it means?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I had a terrible relationship from 16-23ish but we ended up best friends. It’s possible.

Do you know how you and your Mom made this positive turn?

I think it helps a lot if you stop acting like you're the mom and she's the kid and you try to build a relationship as adults. Don't offer advice. Don't tell her what to do. Find mutual interest and do fun things together. See where it goes from there.

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I had a terrible relationship from 16-23ish but we ended up best friends. It’s possible.

My mom and I had a tough relationship from 14-21ish. Then, for many years, I tried very hard to build a caring adult relationship with her but she was intermittently very mean and hurtful. I tried to put in place appropriate boundaries and give her grace. It all blew up again around age 40 and now we're mostly estranged for basically the same reasons that we didn't get along in my teens: she has issues. Probably something diagnosable, but she won't ever see someone to be diagnosed.

She claims she has autism and that's why she can't form close relationships or consider the feelings of others, but I think it's a personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder. She has delusions and will claim people said and did things that never happened, but doesn't believe that. To her they are real.

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of young women go through this weird pulling away from/separating from their mom’s phase where they desperately want to differentiate themselves from their mothers. They aren’t mature enough to understand their moms as whole human beings, just as “mom”.

I’d give her space, as she matures she will hopefully gain perspective and will come back to you and your relationship will be stronger for it.

This.

Get therapy for yourself to deal with the pain. Don’t get defensive and trust the growth process in both of you.

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I had a terrible relationship from 16-23ish but we ended up best friends. It’s possible.

Do you know how you and your Mom made this positive turn?

My mom and I had a terrible relationship from 16-23ish but we ended up best friends. It’s possible.

Depending on the individual kid, there is a lot to figure out including but not limited to hormones, social life, dating, drugs, alcohol, smoking, sports, teachers, SAT, studies, jobs, colleges, money, cars, etc etc

Both of you can see same interactions differently so have empathy and hope for it to improve once they cross teen years.

High school is such a difficult time for both kids and parents. Kids want more freedom and parents fear consequences, kids want more or less pressure about grades and college applications, opposite of whatever their parents are giving them.

Parents are also going through midlife issues with health, marriages and careers. Just a difficult time for most families.

Anonymous wrote:Makes it easier to stop giving her things and feelings and time! I’d pull away and stop providing anything except the bare minimum.

No. You either have a heart to heart discussion or attend therapy together to sort it out or stay kind. Two wrongs won't make a right.

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

+1 don’t forget “narcissistic”. It’s a favorite.
My daughter has gone to a therapist but honestly don’t think it’s very helpful. I’m certain the therapist doesn’t get the full story. She seems to like to wallow with her friends in their misery.

Makes it easier to stop giving her things and feelings and time! I’d pull away and stop providing anything except the bare minimum.