I've seen my son twice since we dropped him off at college early last July. He will not be local when he graduates. I'm thrilled he's making his own way, but I can't help but selfishly hope his brother chooses a different path (their sister is headed the same road).

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread makes me wonder if there is any point in having kids - esp if they are men

Well, it’s a bit late for most of us to be making that call.

I have one long-awaited child who is my sun and moon. He’s a boy. I hear people casually saying how boys never talk to their mothers once they are grown, and it cracks my heart open. But even if I knew he’d never contact me again I still wouldn’t want to have not had him, because raising him has been the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.

But I’m going to do my best to make sure that he and any future family actually WANT to spend time with us!

If you want to have a close relationship with your adult son, you need to live relatively close, be helpful if they have kids, show respect to your DIL, and respect boundaries.
My relationship with my MIL was severely damaged when she decided her needs and wants were more important than anyone else’s. Her desire to be “close” led to unreasonable expectations and guilt trips if we weren’t meeting them. There was no consideration of our time, energy, money, or role as parents. It was all about us needing to fulfill her vision of the grandparent relationship she wanted with our kids. There was very much an attitude of “if you love me, you would do this.” It led to a lot of resentment. I can say that the more you do for your adult child and his family without expectations of something in return, the more likely your adult son will want to have you around. My Dad has always respected our separate life and never judged our decisions. He never complained about not being included. I love him dearly and would do anything for him.

Anonymous wrote:My brother stayed very close to my mom until her death. He visited at least once a week and spoke by phone regularly. My mom was very kind and adored his wife so I think that made a difference. I hope my boys will be similar but I fear they will end up like DH. His mom lives across the country and he speaks to her only a few times a year. Neither seem to be interested in making an effort. He complains it’s too expensive to visit her even though he could go alone if that were really true. It makes me sad. Obviously there is more to the history than he will share with me.

I don't understand this. If they are both content with their relationship, that's all that matters. Stay out of it.

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread makes me wonder if there is any point in having kids - esp if they are men

This whole thread should make you realize you need to find emotional fulfillment OUTSIDE of your children. Especially as they get older and live their own lives.

I just want my kids to be happy, even if they end up going months without contact. If they need me often, I hope I can be there for them to help them in any way I can.

Anonymous wrote:This is not based on the gender of your kids but rather what you are like as a human and parent to adult children.

I am one of two girls who sees my parents once a year and it's torture. My husband is one of two boys and talks to his mom on the phone regularly and when they see each other it's because they want to and they have a nice time.

Start a thread about what makes people want to be around their parents as adults.

+1
I'm down to 3-4 days a year with my parents and they still manage to insult me and make me feel terrible when I go visit them, despite many conversations about them making me feel this way. It's like they cant help themselves. I'm female btw. DH has a standing 1 hour FaceTime call with his mom every Sunday and spends probably 15-20 days a year visiting. She has dementia and as her health has declined he's become more disciplined about visiting and calling. His mother lives with his brother. There are 3 boys and they are all like this.

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 sons (9 and 11) and I'm starting to really worry that they'll grow up, get married and never want to see me, where I know daughters tend to stay much closer to their moms. Have you all found that your older sons want you in their lives still, and you have good relationships?

Does your husband see his mother often?

This is not based on the gender of your kids but rather what you are like as a human and parent to adult children.

I am one of two girls who sees my parents once a year and it's torture. My husband is one of two boys and talks to his mom on the phone regularly and when they see each other it's because they want to and they have a nice time.

Start a thread about what makes people want to be around their parents as adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 sons (9 and 11) and I'm starting to really worry that they'll grow up, get married and never want to see me, where I know daughters tend to stay much closer to their moms. Have you all found that your older sons want you in their lives still, and you have good relationships?

My mom treated me poorly so I became much closer to my mil. I tried to stay close but I’m not a priority and how she treats me isn’t ok. You seem to play favorites.

play favorites with who? how are you getting that? little bit of a psycho take based on nothing.

I have seen it all ways. My brother is very close to my parents. My dh is not close to his. DS is very busy with his girlfriend already as a late teen. The key is to be loving, present and helpful without being a guilting nag.

We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

Two adult sons, age 32 and 34. One married and one single, both with homes local to me. We talk and text a few times a week, see each every few weeks, but sometimes more often. Nobody (me included) drops in unexpectedly. They are busy with work, house and friends. If I haven’t seen them in awhile, I invite them all for dinner. Mom’s cooking is enticing.

I struggle a lot with balancing my life with 3 kids, 2 working parents and a lot of extra activities. We rarely see DH's semi local parents. They're too far for a day trip, but we just never have a weekend to visit them and when we do, it's stressful and they don't help, there's also no where for us to stay. They don't visit us. My family visits often, takes the kids on overnights, babysits during emergencies and shows up for all the school plays, sports tournaments and extras. DH never takes any initiative to see his parents either, and would never go without me or without a kid (a lot of weekends have 2/3 kids free but not all 3).

All of that makes me sad, but surely if two wealthy retirees wanted to visit more, they would. We have a full inlaw suite for them to stay in.

Anonymous wrote:My brother stayed very close to my mom until her death. He visited at least once a week and spoke by phone regularly. My mom was very kind and adored his wife so I think that made a difference. I hope my boys will be similar but I fear they will end up like DH. His mom lives across the country and he speaks to her only a few times a year. Neither seem to be interested in making an effort. He complains it’s too expensive to visit her even though he could go alone if that were really true. It makes me sad. Obviously there is more to the history than he will share with me.

Book him a ticket or if she can travel, buy her a ticket. Or, you go.