Anonymous wrote:I picked a lawyer who is kind of a hard ass because I know I’m the type of person who will just try and roll over and compromise to make the drama end. I’m hoping he will keep me from giving everything away just to keep the peace, but I’m worried that he will not be as focused on the details as i need.

I happen across this list of items to consider regarding custody, but what I really need is multiples of this kind of list for every topic possible so at least have some guidelines for thinking my way through the process…

https://www.custodyxchange.com/locations/usa/virginia/parenting-plan.php

What are the details you think your attorney will miss?

I know divorce sucks. It really does. But unless you are incredibly wealthy, and if you were you would likely already have legal representation and wouldnt be asking for advice on DCUM, divorce settlements are basically just taking what you have and dividing it in half and splitting it. Including the responsibilities of and time with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:This is a spinoff of the post about the AP to stepmom transition. There are some very specific and very helpful comments in there e.g. having ex holding a life insurance policy to benefit the kids AND have annual proof it's being renewed.

I was hoping to start a thread for additional tips on specific clauses you included or issues that you addressed that are important to consider, and also any warnings you may have on things that you wish you'd done differently.

I'm very worried about getting this 'right' and don't want to just rely on my lawyer to manage this because he's definitely not the shmuck stuck dealing afterward if anything gets missed.

Please hit me with your best advice!

I am currently getting divorced, we are finalizing our custody and property settlement agreements now (in Va).

You need to change your mindset re your divorce-it isnt your attorneys job to manage. It is yours. The more you can manage yourself the less you will have to pay them. Your attorney is in business to make money from you and charge you for every phone call, every email, everything.

Given that, try to hammer as much out as you can btw the two of you. You know what you own, what came into the marriage with whom, what 50% of what you own equals. This isn’t easy if you have a messy divorce situation going on, but every dollar you pay your attorney is one dollar less for you or the kids.

Two questions: first, have you met with an attorney yet? Because a good attorney will have you bring a list of your marital/personal assets to the first meeting and that will help guide the conversation re what you have, how it can legally be divided in your state, etc.

Second: what do you think you need to “get right”?

Finally, someone in this thread mentioned the Custody Exchange website which I highly recommend. Its a $20/mo subscription and covers everything from life insurance to who pays for cell phones to who will decide what to do with the body in the unlikely event a child passes away. It takes your answers and spits out a parenting plan that your atty will review with you and then put into legal-ese. I went through the site with a friend who got divorced a few years ago and she was in awe at how much she would have saved in legal fees if she knew about the site.

Good luck!

Here is what I saw in a friend's MSA:

The 529 plans remain the children's property and are to be spent on the education of the named beneficiary, and any leftover amount belongs to the named beneficiary. Parents agree to pay pro rata for the additional cost of a college degree. The higher earner was required to carry life insurance for the kids until the youngest was 23. Both parents split all direct costs of the kids - sports dues, equipment, tutors, car insurance, cell phones, out-of-pocket medical and dental, etc until each kid is 23—so, no lifelong or in-death commitments, but a commitment to get the kids through college.

We have a trust for our kids and it says that the money in the trust can not be distributed to any children born outside of this specific union. We agreed to have both our retirements beneficiaries the trust. So if we need our retirement to live we spend it but if we die with a retirement left over the money goes to the trust and to our children.

We had written agreements while married that we would each pay 1/2 of the children's college.

You can have it written that if children born outside of your union that your children will have equal monetary benefit. Of course that is not lawyer speak. My SIL had college loans after her father abandoned them and he paid for his new kids college, she sued and he had to pay for her college. Her lawyer said now it is common to make a statement about current kids having the same treatment as new kids.

Have them agree to pay 1/2 of all medical expenses and make it so they don't have to agree to the medical treatment like saying they don't need braces.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-majority of the marriage -

If you married someone decent financially, they will be decent. Do NOT judge them over the last five years during their 40/50s crisis

Were you born yesterday?

Yes. It really works for me. I have more than I want. It’s kind of annoying to a lot of people

Anonymous wrote:-majority of the marriage -

If you married someone decent financially, they will be decent. Do NOT judge them over the last five years during their 40/50s crisis

Were you born yesterday?

-majority of the marriage -

If you married someone decent financially, they will be decent. Do NOT judge them over the last five years during their 40/50s crisis

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a spinoff of the post about the AP to stepmom transition. There are some very specific and very helpful comments in there e.g. having ex holding a life insurance policy to benefit the kids AND have annual proof it's being renewed.

I was hoping to start a thread for additional tips on specific clauses you included or issues that you addressed that are important to consider, and also any warnings you may have on things that you wish you'd done differently.

I'm very worried about getting this 'right' and don't want to just rely on my lawyer to manage this because he's definitely not the shmuck stuck dealing afterward if anything gets missed.

Please hit me with your best advice!

I'm so confused about this. So what's happening if he stops paying the premiums?

Good point. One I suppose it’s breach of the settlement agreement which can open both to more litigation. But that’s lose-lose.

Maybe some type of acceleration clause or monetary penalty? Curious how others have done this.

This is so stupid. If you treat him well —and he was not crazy during the majoring of the marriage he will likely continue . Start being a cop, they a start acting like criminals

And I think the hard ass lawyer is mistake number one. We have soft power ladies.We guide the kids + their outcomes. Always

make it work for you

Anonymous wrote:I picked a lawyer who is kind of a hard ass because I know I’m the type of person who will just try and roll over and compromise to make the drama end. I’m hoping he will keep me from giving everything away just to keep the peace, but I’m worried that he will not be as focused on the details as i need.

I happen across this list of items to consider regarding custody, but what I really need is multiples of this kind of list for every topic possible so at least have some guidelines for thinking my way through the process…

https://www.custodyxchange.com/locations/usa/virginia/parenting-plan.php

Your guides are people with out kids? That’s like an English major v Math major totally different. Every decision is different in my eyes

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a spinoff of the post about the AP to stepmom transition. There are some very specific and very helpful comments in there e.g. having ex holding a life insurance policy to benefit the kids AND have annual proof it's being renewed.

I was hoping to start a thread for additional tips on specific clauses you included or issues that you addressed that are important to consider, and also any warnings you may have on things that you wish you'd done differently.

I'm very worried about getting this 'right' and don't want to just rely on my lawyer to manage this because he's definitely not the shmuck stuck dealing afterward if anything gets missed.

Please hit me with your best advice!

I'm so confused about this. So what's happening if he stops paying the premiums?

Good point. One I suppose it’s breach of the settlement agreement which can open both to more litigation. But that’s lose-lose.

Maybe some type of acceleration clause or monetary penalty? Curious how others have done this.

You can create a trust for the child, jointly pre-fund the trust, and then have the trust pay the premiums. I know that seems like a lot, but you gotta do things right.

Anonymous wrote:This is a spinoff of the post about the AP to stepmom transition. There are some very specific and very helpful comments in there e.g. having ex holding a life insurance policy to benefit the kids AND have annual proof it's being renewed.

I was hoping to start a thread for additional tips on specific clauses you included or issues that you addressed that are important to consider, and also any warnings you may have on things that you wish you'd done differently.

I'm very worried about getting this 'right' and don't want to just rely on my lawyer to manage this because he's definitely not the shmuck stuck dealing afterward if anything gets missed.

Please hit me with your best advice!

I assume it’s standard but some sort of representation about truthfulness of accounts disclosure so if you ever find out about hidden assets in future you can reopen.

Maybe a provision to exchange tax/comp information each year if it’s relevant to child support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a spinoff of the post about the AP to stepmom transition. There are some very specific and very helpful comments in there e.g. having ex holding a life insurance policy to benefit the kids AND have annual proof it's being renewed.

I was hoping to start a thread for additional tips on specific clauses you included or issues that you addressed that are important to consider, and also any warnings you may have on things that you wish you'd done differently.

I'm very worried about getting this 'right' and don't want to just rely on my lawyer to manage this because he's definitely not the shmuck stuck dealing afterward if anything gets missed.

Please hit me with your best advice!

I'm so confused about this. So what's happening if he stops paying the premiums?

Good point. One I suppose it’s breach of the settlement agreement which can open both to more litigation. But that’s lose-lose.

Maybe some type of acceleration clause or monetary penalty? Curious how others have done this.

Anonymous wrote:You have to ask people not only what they wrote in their settlement agreement but what and how they were able to enforce. Those are completely different things.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I had to reread the thread because I thought I missed something. How could wanting to have college paid for make you a “leach”

Crazy.

+1 Why does it still shock me that people like this exist? No emotional regulation, insight or integrity. It’s frightening, actually.