Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. You each spoke to her calmly, but issued the ultimatum, “eat now or not at all”? That doesn’t sound like deescalation. Next time, tell her to take the time that she needs to calm down and that there will be a plate waiting for her when she’s ready. Just fix her a plate and stick it in the fridge. You can still go ahead and clean up the kitchen. Kids need food; don’t withhold it as a punishment.

No. She was upset and in her room. We said it’s time for dinner. She said she wasn’t eating. Over the course of 30 minutes, each of us went to her room to talk to her, and said we knew she was upset but this is time for dinner if she wants to eat. She came to the table once and we said the same thing - this is dinner if you want to eat. It wasn’t an ultimatum or a punishment - it was dinner time.

I offered her bread and butter when she finally wanted to eat after last chance and she refused that because she wanted “dinner.”

For some background, she has a very long history of waiting until after last chance to say she wanted to do something. We gave in a lot when she was younger but for the past several years we’ve been very firm about last chance. So there’s definitely a bit of her wanting to do things exactly when she wants to do them. It wasn’t that she calmed down and then wanted to eat - more like she waited out the clock and then wanted to eat.

I’m trying to think through how it would have worked to say “you can eat whenever you’re ready” instead of “you can eat when you’re ready within this time period.” Would you let her eat whenever? Even at bedtime? I feel like our kids would exploit that.

so you cut off eating 20-30 minutes before bedtime. Was your dinner time in the final hour before bedtime? It just seems like you imposed an arbitrary deadline.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. You each spoke to her calmly, but issued the ultimatum, “eat now or not at all”? That doesn’t sound like deescalation. Next time, tell her to take the time that she needs to calm down and that there will be a plate waiting for her when she’s ready. Just fix her a plate and stick it in the fridge. You can still go ahead and clean up the kitchen. Kids need food; don’t withhold it as a punishment.

No. She was upset and in her room. We said it’s time for dinner. She said she wasn’t eating. Over the course of 30 minutes, each of us went to her room to talk to her, and said we knew she was upset but this is time for dinner if she wants to eat. She came to the table once and we said the same thing - this is dinner if you want to eat. It wasn’t an ultimatum or a punishment - it was dinner time.

I offered her bread and butter when she finally wanted to eat after last chance and she refused that because she wanted “dinner.”

For some background, she has a very long history of waiting until after last chance to say she wanted to do something. We gave in a lot when she was younger but for the past several years we’ve been very firm about last chance. So there’s definitely a bit of her wanting to do things exactly when she wants to do them. It wasn’t that she calmed down and then wanted to eat - more like she waited out the clock and then wanted to eat.

I’m trying to think through how it would have worked to say “you can eat whenever you’re ready” instead of “you can eat when you’re ready within this time period.” Would you let her eat whenever? Even at bedtime? I feel like our kids would exploit that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She decided she wanted the bread and butter, which she loves, after all so she had that.

She went to bed hungry but happy and talking about having a big breakfast in the morning.

Several of you said we made it about food when it wasn’t. Can you explain what that means?

This is your very young child that you let go to bed hungry. On purpose.
You wanted to force her to stop feeling her feelings and eat. And when she wasn't able to meet that demand, you punished her further.
Terrible parenting.

Anonymous wrote:She decided she wanted the bread and butter, which she loves, after all so she had that.

She went to bed hungry but happy and talking about having a big breakfast in the morning.

Several of you said we made it about food when it wasn’t. Can you explain what that means?

Anonymous wrote:9 year old DD was upset after arguing with her brother and refused to come to dinner. Each parent talked to her separately and calmly and said when dinner was over she would not be able to eat. She came to the table briefly but refused to sit and we again said calmly when dinner is over it is over. We then gave her a last chance - come now or no dinner. In response she brushed her teeth in front of us.

5 minutes later she wanted to eat, and we said no. So, she’s going to bed without eating (and very hangry).

Is there a better way we could have handled this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. You each spoke to her calmly, but issued the ultimatum, “eat now or not at all”? That doesn’t sound like deescalation. Next time, tell her to take the time that she needs to calm down and that there will be a plate waiting for her when she’s ready. Just fix her a plate and stick it in the fridge. You can still go ahead and clean up the kitchen. Kids need food; don’t withhold it as a punishment.

No. She was upset and in her room. We said it’s time for dinner. She said she wasn’t eating. Over the course of 30 minutes, each of us went to her room to talk to her, and said we knew she was upset but this is time for dinner if she wants to eat. She came to the table once and we said the same thing - this is dinner if you want to eat. It wasn’t an ultimatum or a punishment - it was dinner time.

I offered her bread and butter when she finally wanted to eat after last chance and she refused that because she wanted “dinner.”

For some background, she has a very long history of waiting until after last chance to say she wanted to do something. We gave in a lot when she was younger but for the past several years we’ve been very firm about last chance. So there’s definitely a bit of her wanting to do things exactly when she wants to do them. It wasn’t that she calmed down and then wanted to eat - more like she waited out the clock and then wanted to eat.

I’m trying to think through how it would have worked to say “you can eat whenever you’re ready” instead of “you can eat when you’re ready within this time period.” Would you let her eat whenever? Even at bedtime? I feel like our kids would exploit that.

Anonymous wrote:I'd let her eat now.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. You each spoke to her calmly, but issued the ultimatum, “eat now or not at all”? That doesn’t sound like deescalation. Next time, tell her to take the time that she needs to calm down and that there will be a plate waiting for her when she’s ready. Just fix her a plate and stick it in the fridge. You can still go ahead and clean up the kitchen. Kids need food; don’t withhold it as a punishment.