Anonymous wrote:You need to back off, fully, immediately, and for good. Let's review some facts:

1) There is NOTHING you can do or say that will stop him from doing this. There's not! He's an adult. He's going to do what he's going to do. You've tried expressing your concern and he's blowing you off. Accept this reality: Whether you're "right" or not is not relevant. He's. Not. Going. To. Listen.

2) If he's rebelling against your cautious nature (or, ahem, penchant for lecturing), then by continuing to bring this up and express your concerns, you may very well worsen or lengthen this behavior. Yup. You can't make this better, but you just might make it worse.

3) What you absolutely can and will do with your actions and lectures is destroy your relationship with your son. This you can do easily and readily, and it sounds like you're already on that path. If you want a good relationship with your kid, you need to shut your trap. Complain to your husband, complain to your friends, journal, meditate, whatever you've gotta do, but vow right now that you'll never say a word to him about his personal safety again and protect your relationship with your kid, which is the one thing you DO have a say in right now.

4) Stop going on trips with him where he's going to take part in dangerous behavior! You need to accept it, but good lord, you don't need to fund it or stand there and watch it. Pick a different type of vacation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the cardinal rules of parenting adult children—shifting from a managerial role to a supportive one—but I’m really struggling with how to handle situations where my early 20s child is making risky, ill-informed decisions.
Some Examples: (1) Wanting to ski out of bounds in a potential avalanche zone alone, with no avalanche safety training or supplies other than a beacon and shovel. (2) Solo Hiking and camping with limited experience, no personal protection, and inadequate preparation for the weather. (3) Doing advanced skateboarding tricks (ramps, pools, jumps) but refusing to wear a helmet.
They seem sure that they know everything and get irritated when I bring up safety considerations. I get that they’re an adult, but it feels impossible to just stay silent and hope they don’t seriously hurt themselves. How do I navigate this in a way that respects their independence but also keeps them from making potentially life-threatening mistakes?

Find an ER physician or nurse who can talk to them with stories, facts and statistics so they can calculate risks involved with such behavior. Its not possible for a parent to knock any more sense into adult kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I pay for skiing when we go as a family and we also fund all/most of the supplies/equipment purchases for activities. They pay for their other curriculars when they go on their own.

Anonymous wrote:I would explain calmly that if they die, part of me will die as well. And if they need advanced medical care for years because they've been in a coma, need rehab and never regain 100% functionality, they will place the entire family's financial wellbeing in jeopardy, because health aides and living without a job are bloody expensive - cite them an actual number. That there is a difference between receiving family help after surviving an accident that was not foreseeable, and receiving family help after surviving an accident that IS, and that you did not adequately prepare for. The latter will generate significant resentment, if it puts retirement plans and siblings plans on hold.

And then offer to buy them the gear posters have described.

Just because they're technically over 18 doesn't make them suddenly wise. You need to get through to them that they're are making highly irresponsible decisions right now. Also, they don't get to make family gatherings miserable just because they're angry at you. Do they have some sort of diagnosis, such as hyperactive ADHD, that explains some of their behavior? If so, are they taking their meds? Is this a mania phase of bipolar disorder?

I have a 20 year old son who listens to me, but he's always been the slow, reflective kind. I would definitely butt heads with someone like your kid, so I feel for you.

Anonymous wrote:My adult sons had to learn the hard way. A few broken bones, scraped off skin, and a lot of stitches for them to get the point that an injury as an adult is does not heal or feel the same as an injury suffered as a child.

I've found by 21-22, they are over it, and on to safer practices.

I was however SUPER diligent and beyond preachy whenever they've been prescribed pain meds for such injuries.

Good luck.