It gets easier the more you do it. In stranger/one time situations like a waiter, customer service, just being polite is more than most people bother with. He doesn't need to scintilate with intellect or invent anything new and impressive. The roommate thing I see his point: sometimes it is worth humoring something not a big deal to you just to keep the peace, depending on what the quirk is. I'd just make him call for reservations, schedule a doctor's appointment...low stakes things he can succeed at and move on to in person situations, make it a goal to ask for one thing at dinner for instance.

This was my kid at 19 too. Customer-facing jobs (restaurant, camp counselor) helped a lot. In the past 2 years, her confidence has increased a lot. She also did some informational interviews with family friends regarding careers and I think it helped with job interview confidence in general.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Join gym, muscles often boost young men's confidence.

He does work out a lot, and you’re right, it does boost his confidence. He’s a good looking guy, just comes off as insecure and shy. Which I hate for him bc I was similar and it does hold a person back from trying things.

It sounds like he is insecure and shy. Does it bother him?

Many people with social anxiety are more open to on-demand medications than antidepressants. I’m not saying they’re medically better, but it could be an option he’s less likely to resist.

Stop doing things for him.
There are too many kids like this now.
My 12yo was talking to an employee last weekend while she was choosing new sneakers. I was perusing other sections of the store.
He’s used to you stepping up for him, you need to stop.

Anonymous wrote:Dc is 19 and book smart, hard working but his social skills are weak.. he has friends but not close ones, he had a GF for awhile but she broke up with him.

He’s just shy and scared to advocate for himself. Examples, at dinner, he won’t ask the wait staff for things, he wants me to do it. He lives with roommates now but tip toes around them bc he doesn’t want to upset them (he wouldn’t let me turn on a light in the living room, as ex).

I’m so worried for him. He’s been on an SSRI to help with anxiety in the past but weaned off on his own, and says he doesn’t need it.

WWYD?

Honestly, I can relate to your situation. My child is a little younger (16) - but social skills were never his thing. To be honest, he LOVED lockdown during COVID. He never complained that he didn't get see his friends or anything like that. He wasn't disliked at school and never bullied. However, he is very shy and introverted. One thing that your son has going is that he at least had a girlfriend and therefore, has some skills to make truly meaningful connections (even if the relationship didn't work out). I would just push him to do more - a little at a time. Even in my own life, I remember being scared to call Dominio's pizza to order (before ordering online was a thing) when I was a teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

Is it the social situation causing him stress, or something else?

Agree that some sort of professional help or meds are the answer. Or if he is motivated, then a self-help book may suffice.

I’m not sure. He seems more stressed lately - school is tough, starting to worry about work/career, GF break up etc.

He seems to be regressing a bit. I’d like him to consider meds again- I’m not against therapy but think it might be difficult to find someone at college- so I think meds could help as a first step. He says no, but I’m trying to keep the conversation going.

Have him check out online therapy. Would also be a good option for someone with anxiety who may struggle to talk to someone face to face.

While it may be difficult to find, he absolutely needs therapy. If I was his parent, my top priority would be lovingly getting him to see that his quality of life would drastically improve if he did the hard work of learning to overcome his social anxiety.

I would talk to him and let him know I was concerned he had social anxiety and ask him to see a therapist to help put my mind at ease. Understanding that he may be too shy/resistant to set up an appointment himself, I would help him get started.

Also, there are some shorter acting drugs, like beta blockers, that might be helpful for specific situations. When I finally tried beta blockers in grad school to help me get through presentations it was like a light switch going off in my head, understanding how much my anxiety was affecting me and what life could be like if I got it under control. Psychologists cannot prescribe but if he has a primary care doctor they might be willing to. Otherwise a psychiatrist or a PA at a psychiatry practice.

And as usual, folks are correct that exposure is the way to treat anxiety, but they are misunderstanding how to implement it. If simply not helping him worked he would already be confident with his roommates. A therapist can help him make small, manageable goals and support him through the process of successes and failures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

Is it the social situation causing him stress, or something else?

Agree that some sort of professional help or meds are the answer. Or if he is motivated, then a self-help book may suffice.

I’m not sure. He seems more stressed lately - school is tough, starting to worry about work/career, GF break up etc.

He seems to be regressing a bit. I’d like him to consider meds again- I’m not against therapy but think it might be difficult to find someone at college- so I think meds could help as a first step. He says no, but I’m trying to keep the conversation going.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

So say no! Tell him he can do it himself. Why can’t you say no to him?

You need to get a hobby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

Not pp, but she right. And you respond: please order the bill yourself.

Yes and no. I’m not ordering food for him. But he’s asking me to ask for extra things he wants- like the check. And as I mentioned above, I’m not doing it but it worries me that he asks.

Anonymous wrote:Has he been medicated for social anxiety? My biggest life regret is that I didn’t do that in my 20s.

Well, the SSRI was for anxiety so yes. As I posted above, he seemed better then but he also had a GF so that helped

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

Not pp, but she right. And you respond: please order the bill yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

Is it the social situation causing him stress, or something else?

Agree that some sort of professional help or meds are the answer. Or if he is motivated, then a self-help book may suffice.