Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s killing me.

It is always darkest just before dawn. Hold tight. You can do this. It will end.

Not the person you are responding to, but I assume the "dawn" you are referring to is the person passing away? If you have difficult siblings that is not a dawn, just more darkness.

I’m so sorry for all of you. Especially the parents of the teenage girls. Life should have been kinder.

I’ve done caregiving and it’s very difficult, especially when the person lashes out. I used to fantasize about smothering them and putting us both out of our misery. Hang in there.

It really did a number on my mom.and then on me. Elder caregiving is tiring, and it really depends on the elder. Many in my family were somewhat abusive, and saved most of the abuse for the caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:The truth is that child rearing and caregiving are not the same thing at all. I have a 15 year old that will be a 9 month old cognitively forever. She cannot communicate in any way, we change diapers, bathe her, feed her, etc. She doesn’t particularly interact with the world other than laughing at certain movies or shows. And with Medicaid cuts that could happen, we could be doing this until we die.

This is serious caregiving. I would compare it to spending 15 years with someone with late stage Alzheimer’s. And it isn’t doing anything positive for us mentally or physically. I guess the one positive is that I have seen the Mary Poppins movie literally thousands of times and can recite it by heart? We usually watch it five times each weekend plus after school.

Oh my goodness, this is us. Our DD also added Bedknobs and Broomsticks but it's MP first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire out the care.

Spoken like a person who’s never had that experience. Hired people need to be supervised. If they’re from agencies, the agencies need to be supervised. And that’s after the research to locate individuals/agencies that seem to be at least minimally competent and have decent reputation. And the cost is enormous for even basic services.

In short, it’s not like getting your lawn cut. Outside help can be a real boon, but it’s not a get out of jail free card.

And my mom kept firing them or sending them home early. She just didn’t want strangers in the house.

That's why you have a care manager to manage it all if she can afford it. Let that person call her out. My mother will show any amount of crazy to me and will be all out abusive to get her way, but she doesn't want strangers to see the dark side. Having a care manager took me out of the equation. There was no fall back that I would go back to doing any of it for her. I was to the point I would rather be dead that deal with one more tantrum. The CM knew legally what the options were if mom refused care, and she knew how to present things to make it all more palatable. For me it was a get out of hell free card because someone else was responsible for reading her the riot act and getting her to comply and when siblings complained I directed them to her. None of this probably applies to those of you with elders who behave and siblings who are understanding and helpful. Do not set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Anonymous wrote:It’s killing me.

It is always darkest just before dawn. Hold tight. You can do this. It will end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know there are studies that show childrearing has long term positive effects for the primary caregiver’s brain —even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Has anyone done the same type of studies of the brains of the primary caregivers of elders?

what an odd thing to wonder about.

If it seems odd to you, you’ve likely never done long term eldercare as a primary caregiver.

It’s making me angry and resentful!

Anonymous wrote:I know there are studies that show childrearing has long term positive effects for the primary caregiver’s brain —even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Has anyone done the same type of studies of the brains of the primary caregivers of elders?

what an odd thing to wonder about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.qscience.com/content/journals/10.5339/qmj.2015.3

Googling probably would’ve been easier than typing out your question OP

That only covers hospitalized patients. Many of us doing eldercare have our loved one at home with us 24/7/365 for years without a hospitalization.

Parkinson’s dementia by any chance? I’m 60, DH is 68 and in excellent health except for the dementia. This is one long haul with minimal to no real breaks. Just the lack of coherent conversation is definitely affecting my brain health. Depression is real even if low grade, anticipatory grief too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire out the care.

Spoken like a person who’s never had that experience. Hired people need to be supervised. If they’re from agencies, the agencies need to be supervised. And that’s after the research to locate individuals/agencies that seem to be at least minimally competent and have decent reputation. And the cost is enormous for even basic services.

In short, it’s not like getting your lawn cut. Outside help can be a real boon, but it’s not a get out of jail free card.

And my mom kept firing them or sending them home early. She just didn’t want strangers in the house.

+ 1,000
experiencing all of the above

Anonymous wrote:Causes major depression and no will to live?

Those are the side effects I experienced..also grieving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire out the care.

Spoken like a person who’s never had that experience. Hired people need to be supervised. If they’re from agencies, the agencies need to be supervised. And that’s after the research to locate individuals/agencies that seem to be at least minimally competent and have decent reputation. And the cost is enormous for even basic services.

In short, it’s not like getting your lawn cut. Outside help can be a real boon, but it’s not a get out of jail free card.

And my mom kept firing them or sending them home early. She just didn’t want strangers in the house.

Well, we will find out soon enough in real time when the Senate/House bill becomes law and guts Medicaid - so many elderly will be at home along with others requiring care.

The truth is that child rearing and caregiving are not the same thing at all. I have a 15 year old that will be a 9 month old cognitively forever. She cannot communicate in any way, we change diapers, bathe her, feed her, etc. She doesn’t particularly interact with the world other than laughing at certain movies or shows. And with Medicaid cuts that could happen, we could be doing this until we die.

This is serious caregiving. I would compare it to spending 15 years with someone with late stage Alzheimer’s. And it isn’t doing anything positive for us mentally or physically. I guess the one positive is that I have seen the Mary Poppins movie literally thousands of times and can recite it by heart? We usually watch it five times each weekend plus after school.