Let you son and daughter decide... you all have no obligation to provide confidential family information to nosy people in your lives (and there are so many).

My son (now 13) is donor-conceived. He's know from a young age but doesn't want to share this with most folks, including friends. I too don't want to discuss this with random people because it's nobody's business (friends, distant relatives, teachers) unless we want them to know he doesn't have a dad--only a donor!

Surprisingly, he's rarely been asked about "dad." Several kids teased him in preschool about not having a dad show up to school or at birthday parties. A few kids teased him and his buddy (whose dad had died) about not having a dad but they both brushed them off. But thankfully in today's society, kids understand at a very young age that all families are different!

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. You don’t need to tell you young child that their other parent sucks.

Most kids are not going to be all “I go to soccer 30 minute away. Your mom must actually hate you.” They are going to barely recognize the issue. In middle school, they might begin to suss this out, but they won’t care. My 12 year old will offhandedly say things “Landon’s dad isn’t around. I’m not sure if he is dead or not, but he isn’t around.” Or “it sucks for my best friend that her dad moved to another state and doesn’t see her. But my life is complicated too [insert something ridiculous a 12 year old would say that isn’t anywhere close to abandonment by a parent].”

You are letting your own adult feelings on the subject get in your way here. Let your kid remain innocent of this as long as possible.

Where has anyone suggested telling the child that?

Good grief. You don’t need to tell you young child that their other parent sucks.

Most kids are not going to be all “I go to soccer 30 minute away. Your mom must actually hate you.” They are going to barely recognize the issue. In middle school, they might begin to suss this out, but they won’t care. My 12 year old will offhandedly say things “Landon’s dad isn’t around. I’m not sure if he is dead or not, but he isn’t around.” Or “it sucks for my best friend that her dad moved to another state and doesn’t see her. But my life is complicated too [insert something ridiculous a 12 year old would say that isn’t anywhere close to abandonment by a parent].”

You are letting your own adult feelings on the subject get in your way here. Let your kid remain innocent of this as long as possible.

Anonymous wrote:What should she say? Truthers do you want her to tell classmates, teachers, random parents of friends "my mommy doesn't care to see us". Good grief.

I am OP and it seems I am the only “truther” here. I am not asking about what she should say to random people who aren’t entitled to the whole story. I am fine with her telling them whatever meets her needs.

I am asking about what she is telling her own sibling who is obviously, eventually, entitled to the whole truth.

As to what he could say to random people, in my experience people who ask 10 year olds where their mother is often mean “why isn’t she in your life?” Which is obviously a hard question for her to handle. But people who ask three year olds generally mean “which adult here goes with you?”. He used to answer “I have a Daddy.” Or “There’s my Daddy.” And it worked fine.

What should she say? Truthers do you want her to tell classmates, teachers, random parents of friends "my mommy doesn't care to see us". Good grief.

How old is older sister?

This seems to be working fine. I wouldn't sweat it for the little guy.

My only concern here is that as the kids get older and talk more amongst friends, if this remains the explanation and kids discuss it and find out "far away" is 30 minutes they are going to probably say hurtful stuff like "what? i go 30 minutes every night to soccer practice!" or "my grandma lives 30 minutes away and picks me up from school every day!" Kids are observant, callous, and can be mean intentionally and unintentionally.

So in time you might want to get them comfortable with statements like "I just live with my dad" or "My mom is in Herndon but I don't live with her. But we're good." This is tween-type stuff, just for future thought. In time, this might be normal for them too. Or it might change "I live with my dad and stepmom" or "I see my mom every other weekend."

Anonymous wrote:Psychologically, the mother's abandonment is often much more damaging to a child. Your daughter is coping with this story and also teaching her brother in order to protect herself/both of them from the truth.

Have you considered having her speak to a therapist? Her awareness and adeptness here is a sign she is far older than her years, in terms of self-protection and the shame that she feels.

No therapist. Too often therapists try to discuss problems that little kids don’t even realize they have, but then they start thinking about it.
Just be there for your kids and only if/when they start struggling or asking questions or expressing feelings that are beyond your abilities, then possibly a therapist

Anonymous wrote:Leave it, OP.

+1. Let your children live in their safe bubble for some years. They’ll figure it out eventually.
I’m sorry OP, it’s heartbreaking when a parent doesn’t want to see their kids.
You are an awesome dad, and your kids are lucky to have you. We abandoned parents really have to step it up and be everything for our kids

Anonymous wrote:Psychologically, the mother's abandonment is often much more damaging to a child. Your daughter is coping with this story and also teaching her brother in order to protect herself/both of them from the truth.

Have you considered having her speak to a therapist? Her awareness and adeptness here is a sign she is far older than her years, in terms of self-protection and the shame that she feels.

Don’t assume she feels shame. My dad left us and all I felt was anger. The therapist my mom sent me to kept trying to explain why he left (he was a self centered alcoholic) but I didn’t give a sh— why he left.

Psychologically, the mother's abandonment is often much more damaging to a child. Your daughter is coping with this story and also teaching her brother in order to protect herself/both of them from the truth.

Have you considered having her speak to a therapist? Her awareness and adeptness here is a sign she is far older than her years, in terms of self-protection and the shame that she feels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine has always just said, “My dad lives in Texas.” That almost always sufficed.

Does their dad live in Texas?

Yep.

Anonymous wrote:Mine has always just said, “My dad lives in Texas.” That almost always sufficed.

Does their dad live in Texas?

Your kids are correct. Their mother is far, far, away. They are wiser than you

Also, I'm sorry your family is in this situation. Thank you for being a responsible parent!

Mine has always just said, “My dad lives in Texas.” That almost always sufficed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

My daughter and I talk a lot. She knows what she is saying isn’t true, but finds the truth too painful and personal to share with random people.

Who cares if she lies? It isn't people's business where her mother is or isn't. My daughter's BFF was effectively abandoned by her father. I innocently asked one time if she was seeing her dad at a holiday (I knew the parents were divorced). She told me he lived far away. I accepted it at face value and moved on (realized that I shouldn't have asked her at all). Mom and I got to know each better and I learned ex lives within an hour and just doesn't want to see kids. I didn't feel "lied" to by a child. She was just making an excuse to end the conversation and move on.

I am not concerned about her telling this to her friends or other outsiders. It makes me sad that she feels like she has to respond, but I am not upset with her. I am just saying that she does in fact know where her mother lives.