Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically the question is: "My teen has already experienced the loss of their intact family. How can I withdraw a lot of my time, energy, and resources, and also make them live with a new partner and a baby, and have them be happy with it?"

How would it be different than an "intact" family having more kids. With every kid a parent has it takes away attention and resources.

Because the remarriage effectively disinherits the kid. Sorry, but it's true.

No, it doesn't, less the kids don't have a relationship with one parent and that parent appropriatly chooses not to leave them anything. No one is entitled to inherit anything. My sister convinced my parents to leave her everything. We are equally comfortable. It was just pure greed and selfish behavior on all three of them. My parents put all their effort into her. After I realized what they were all doing and stopped contact, my life was much better.

If a parent remarries, anything before marriage should be split among all the kids. Anything post marriage - between the husband and wife, it should be split in half and each adult decide who gets the inheritance from their half.

If you choose to not allow your kids to have a relationship with their other parent, you should not expect any inhertance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically the question is: "My teen has already experienced the loss of their intact family. How can I withdraw a lot of my time, energy, and resources, and also make them live with a new partner and a baby, and have them be happy with it?"

How would it be different than an "intact" family having more kids. With every kid a parent has it takes away attention and resources.

Well, I think in an intact familly the teens are often not that happy about a new baby either.

But it's different because the older child still gets to live with both their parents. They don't have to do joint custody or experience a loss of parent-child interaction time, and they don't have to deal with a new adult being forced into their home whether they like it or not. They also don't have to deal with stepsiblings if there are any (as distinct from half siblings). A remarriage and a baby after a divorce is a disruption after a disruption after a disruption. It's three disruptions rather than one.

So, by your logic no adult should have more than one kid. As, any 2-3-4th kid regardless of the age difference, takes up parents' time and resources. My husband's ex put all her energy into the AP/boyfriend not the kids so even if they had more kids, none would have been the priority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically the question is: "My teen has already experienced the loss of their intact family. How can I withdraw a lot of my time, energy, and resources, and also make them live with a new partner and a baby, and have them be happy with it?"

How would it be different than an "intact" family having more kids. With every kid a parent has it takes away attention and resources.

Because the remarriage effectively disinherits the kid. Sorry but it's true.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are all well into adulthood now. My two sons from my first marriage have said to me, of their own initiative, "We completely understand why you and Dad divorced, and you are both much happier now. We just don't understand why you got married in the first place." They have always had a close, loving relationship with their sister from my second marriage (with a 9 and 11 year age gap from my sons). They have a very close relationship with their stepdad.

This is a great example of a parent telling, and maybe believing, that everything is fine. But I don't believe it-- it's just too perfect.

My kids are all well into adulthood now. My two sons from my first marriage have said to me, of their own initiative, "We completely understand why you and Dad divorced, and you are both much happier now. We just don't understand why you got married in the first place." They have always had a close, loving relationship with their sister from my second marriage (with a 9 and 11 year age gap from my sons). They have a very close relationship with their stepdad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically the question is: "My teen has already experienced the loss of their intact family. How can I withdraw a lot of my time, energy, and resources, and also make them live with a new partner and a baby, and have them be happy with it?"

How would it be different than an "intact" family having more kids. With every kid a parent has it takes away attention and resources.

Well, I think in an intact familly the teens are often not that happy about a new baby either.

But it's different because the older child still gets to live with both their parents. They don't have to do joint custody or experience a loss of parent-child interaction time, and they don't have to deal with a new adult being forced into their home whether they like it or not. They also don't have to deal with stepsiblings if there are any (as distinct from half siblings). A remarriage and a baby after a divorce is a disruption after a disruption after a disruption. It's three disruptions rather than one.

Anonymous wrote:So basically the question is: "My teen has already experienced the loss of their intact family. How can I withdraw a lot of my time, energy, and resources, and also make them live with a new partner and a baby, and have them be happy with it?"

How would it be different than an "intact" family having more kids. With every kid a parent has it takes away attention and resources.

From blended family here. It worked well for us because the older kids’ were my mother’s kids and she had custody so we all grew up together.

So basically the question is: "My teen has already experienced the loss of their intact family. How can I withdraw a lot of my time, energy, and resources, and also make them live with a new partner and a baby, and have them be happy with it?"

Anonymous wrote:My friend did. Her older kid's dad was MIA and she was really young when she had the first kid, so she would have been facing a long life as a single mom of one if she hadn't dated again. Her new husband is a high-earner, solid, dependable, and good guy. She also has a good career, so there were no money tradeoffs when they had kids together. I think the older kid had some minor challenges, but she was aware of them and found ways for them to spend time together, apart from her husband and younger kids. I think her husband also struggled with her kid during the teenage years ("you're not my dad" stuff when they were disciplined), but they worked through them and have a nice relationship now.

I sincerely doubt "they worked through them." Bet the kid hates the guy. But this is sunshiny version you get from the mother who has her eyes closed about it.

Anonymous wrote:You should ask the grown kids, not the parent. You’d probably get a very different answer.
Most of the adult children of divorce I know (with younger stepsiblings from a 2nd marriage) have some sad memories of childhood, trust issues, feelings of inferiority/not being good enough. And also future relationship issues. But their parents thought everything was great

+100

It's amazing to me how so many parents make choices that cause their children to struggle and then ramble on about their wonderful, loving, blended families that were anything but wonderful and loving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a really pulled together woman who co-parents a now college age boy well with her ex. She and her second husband have a daughter who is about 8 years younger than her bigger half brother.

Key to the success is that mom has it completely together and 2nd husband is a really nice, pulled together guy as well. And older son is quiet and introverted. And there was space between the divorce and remarriage and baby sister. Probably helps that the little sister is adorable and looks up to her big brother.

ExH has an older daughter from a first marriage who has almost no contact with younger brother. They are about 20 years apart in age and never lived together or near each other.

What does “pulled together” mean in this context? You use this phrase several times.

PP. I mean absolutely zero dysfunction that an outsider can see or infer. However you want to analyze that. Emotionally responsible, loving, ensured child's emotional and financial security, no visible fighting or stress with child's coparent (flexibly share custody, both attend parties and school events), continuously employed during tough recession, on top of school-related matters, picked responsible and loving 2nd husband who gets along with kid, etc. Kid cooperates equally with mom, dad, and stepdad and does fun activities with stepdad alone.

Maybe "has it together" would be more clear. I don't know what caused the divorce although I suspect XH is a bit of a slacker. I met this family right around the time they were going through the divorce. The mom's current situation seems like a model of doing it right. (And no, they aren't rich.)

Liking the sibling, or pretending to like the sibling because that is easiest, doesn't mean it wasn't a difficult experience. And it doesn't mean it was worth it. Or that it didn't negatively affect the teen's relationship with their parent.

Also think very hard about how this opens the door to a second divorce and to your older child potentially losing their sibling.

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your ex’s household. I think it works the best in situations where:

1. The parents having the baby have full custody
OR
2. The relationship with the ex is extremely amicable and respectful AND
3. Both households are on equal footing financially.

Otherwise, the kids from the first marriage go back and forth and never really feel like a “full time” member of the family.

Have you actually been in this situation? Sounds like you’re making a broad assumption and it is not my experience at all. Many families that look good “on paper” are dysfunctional in reality, blended families or not.

It really depends on your kids and the ex. My husband’s ex is horrible to him but the one thing she did not react to was us having a kid but their kids were adults and child support was over.