Anonymous wrote:So if they ask, how could I phrase it in a way that when I eventually introduce someone, or worse, they discover it on their own (more my fear) they aren’t totally shocked/betrayed. Any tips? I know it won’t be easy, just want to avoid making it worse than it has to be.

"I just wanted you to know that I've decided to start casually dating again, just for fun and for company. I want you to be clear that I don't plan on even considering remarrying or living with anyone until you are beyond high school and I'm not looking to bring a man into our home. I just miss adult company and I'm feeling ready to start dating again."

The Sound of Music kids really tortured the second wife. They only liked the nanny who was 21. Are you or your lover more like the governess or the playful nanny? That may determine how and when to meet the children.

All by way of saying, some kids really care about this stuff and some will even get involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just said I was going out for a couple hours. When he asked if it was a date I said yes. He gave me dating safety advice I’d given him, it was cute.

Yup. It's typically much easier with boys.

I once tried talking to a man at my pool. He was divorced (he told me). His daughter arrived (with her sister) then stood between us and asked her dad, “Who is THAT?!”

I decided to say bye and walk away at that point. The daughter was a force of energy.

I was wearing a swimsuit and smiling a lot. I do that. So maybe she felt she need to intervene? I don’t think I’ll ever forget that!

As far as the guy, I mean he didn’t mind at all — so he seemed comfortable with it. That is his family business.

Anonymous wrote:I just said I was going out for a couple hours. When he asked if it was a date I said yes. He gave me dating safety advice I’d given him, it was cute.

This is very sweet. I need to learn that to teach my kids.

Seriously, keep your “personal life” separate from your kids, especially if you don’t have majority custody. Date on your free time. Don’t burden your kids with it.
Be decent and responsible and remember you are a parent. YOUR KIDS COME FIRST.

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kid, 13. He’s doesn’t care. He knows he wont meet anybody. If I get close enough to somebody they can wait the 5 years.

My kids are teens.

I feel one hundred percent this way. If I get serious with anyone, I’ll set up a meeting on the college campus - even that… I think I’ll skip.

I mean, I’ll have such little time with them. Instead, I’ll send him when they are in college or something. With a caption: “Mom’s latest hobby.” Having two parents is enough. Who needs three adults milling around them as a teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck with that one. Teens hate it.

Not always.

They're more likely to hate it if you bombard them with your SO and their kids.

My teen hated on a baby. The mom was a nice Quaker lady. She and the baby were around for about three years. My teen harbored resentment and ill feelings. He nearly refused to be around them and complained afterwards. He was fine though for the most part.

Best thing is to keep them in separate “spaces.”

Maybe tell your teen that you're going on a date, and let them know your honest dilemma--that you want to be honest and transparent, but don't want to cause them pain. Tell them that you won't share details unless they ask and that you won't ask them to meet anyone unless it's been at least 6 months (unless they want to meet someone sooner). Give them some control over the flow of information.

Most importantly, assure them, again and again, with words and actions, that they are your main priority, that you're on their team, that no one else will come first, etc. They may shrug you off, but they still need to hear it.

"Mommy has needs, sweetie."

I tell my kid, 13. He’s doesn’t care. He knows he wont meet anybody. If I get close enough to somebody they can wait the 5 years.

My daughter is 16. I occasionally date and if it looks like it might go anywhere I'll let her know someone is in the picture. She met the last two guys I dated seriously, briefly and in passing, and didn't get attached to either. But her dad and I have been apart for her entire life so she's not tied to the idea of us being together.

I’d wait or keep it very very separate. It’s not worth the fallout.

I’d say something like “I have a new friend and we’ll see where it leads.” I would try to downplay it but would want to be honest about there being someone in the picture.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just said I was going out for a couple hours. When he asked if it was a date I said yes. He gave me dating safety advice I’d given him, it was cute.

Yup. It's typically much easier with boys.

Nah. They hide it better.

DS thinks his dad is a tool for chomping at the bit to begin dating immediately, then remarrying within 18 mos. All the while "balancing" DS with his own "need to be happy."

It was all very ... civilized and appropriate. HOwever, now-adult DS has always understood what kind of man his dad was/is. The kind of man who focuses on his own pleasure and self-fulfillment while assuming his kid will just adapt and get on with business after his life was blown up. They are cordial, at best, and that's only because I force DS to engage.